What can I tell you about myself? I’m a loner. It’s an old story...many comedians are manic depessives. I’m hoping to join the club. I often think of suicide but I’m generally too lazy to go through with it. I have a great ability wherein I can forcast my depression, like the weather. I literally feel a storm coming, so I pull down the shades, go under the covers, and wait for the tempest to pass. It usually does.
ROMANCE:I’m always falling for the wrong woman. As soon as I see there’s a tremendous challenge, or a pursuit, or an obstacle (like alcoholism, addiction, insanity), or NO chance of it working out....that’s when I fall in love. I’m attracted to "kamikaze" types--women who are crazy and crash their plane right into you, so you die with them. It hasn’t worked out well for me.
I did some online dating, but the girls often resembled something out of a Stephen King novel. So now I’m going about it the old fashioned way...I STALK them!
SEX: I’m making up for lost time. In high school I didn’t know how to act around girls...mostly I just drooled, pinched their ass, then urinated myself. Now I’m eager to fulfill some sexual fantasies, like joining the Mile High Club, 2 girls at the same time, and my favorite....having a girl dress like Nellie Olsen as we do it. My psychiatrist told me I have "an unhealthy obsession with sex". I thanked him for the compliment.
POLITICS: I believe in truth, liberty, justice, equality, tolerance for all, and the ever-loving pursuit of one own’s happiness. I also believe the American system can work.
GOD: if there is a God, I think he’s slacking off on the job and should be written up. But I do feel the spirit is eternal and goes on...as long as it doesn’t return to New Jersey.
DISLIKES/LIKES: I dislike war, violence, intolerance, guilt, illness, old age, my Uncle Carmine’s breathe, and the films of Robin Williams. Likes: none.
I’ll end with a quote from Woody Allen: "More than any other in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly."
Thank You & Good Luck
Come see me do a show at a club--I’ll buy you a drink or perhaps a nice shot of smack.
PLEASE CHECK OUT MY SHORT FILMS:
BE SURE TO CHECK OUT THE EXCITING CONCLUSION TO "RETURN OF THE HERO"
Return of the Hero, Part III
Return of the Hero, part IV
Return of the Hero, part V
Return of the Hero, Part VI
