176951872

I'm originally from Scotland, but now live and work in Los Angeles.
I recently changed jobs. I am now a Corp. Archive Representative. So, if there are any celebrities reading this, look after your stuff! I now have to actually work for a living. I really enjoy my job. I broke out in a sweat last week, and it had been so long I thought I was bleeding.
The first song my son could sing was the theme song to Family Guy. The second was "Sir Mixalot - Baby Got Back (I like big butts)". His favourite movie is "Full Metal Jacket". I'm probably the best father in the world.
My current mood is fucking irritable. My mood tomorrow is forecast to be something similar. I really don't care if I upset anybody. Look at my picture and ask yourself this... is that the face of concern?
"Never trust a man with buck teeth, or a monkey with your wallet." - my dad. A very wise man indeed.
I recently came across a buck-toothed man holding up a tourist and the getaway car was being driven by a monkey! See, my dad was right.
Wouldn't you be pissed off if you were Shamu? Not only are you locked up in a cell, people have to pay money to come and see you. And you don't fucking get any of it?! I'm surprised that he (or she, who knows?) hasn't bitten lumps out of a few kids. That would make them change their minds. When me and the boy went to see Shamu, he threw him a chocolate-chip cookie. When I asked him why, Cameron told me that the fish looked hungry. At least his heart's in the right place.
You know what God's idea of a sick joke is? Sharks. That's what. I bet, when he was making up all those animals and such, he got a hold of a trout and thought "You know, what if I made it HUGE and then gave it a mouthful of fangs! That'd fuck up the swimmers!" Sense of humour, that guy.
Speaking of which... who found out that shoving a hamster up your arse was erotic? Was there some guy, sitting in his living room, bored.... and then, out of the corner of his eye, he spots his kid's hamster and thinks "Hhhhmmmmmm. I wonder what would happen if, Hey! Honey, fetch a plastic bag!" Sickos. And here's another mythbuster. It WASN'T Richard Gere. He's rich. He would have had a midget climb up there instead...
I think it's fair to say that we'd have less litter if we gave blind people pointy sticks.
Why don't we put obsessive compulsive cleaning disorder people to work? Get a job cleaning houses! Everybody wins.
Turn the music off and watch this... it's frightening what the Taliban can do.
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The world is a dangerous place... only yesterday I walked into Ralph's and punched somebody in the face.
My parents are from Scotland which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
It's easy to distract fat people. Literally, it's a piece of cake.
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