Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up these defenses, you build this whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They do something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own any more. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. not just in the mind. It's a soul hurt, a body hurt, a real gets inside you and rips you apart pain. I hate love.
I just turned 26 years old, this is ultimately shocking to me, not because I haven't accomplished anything, and not because I don't feel my age, but mostly because of how fast this happened. I feel I spent a great amount of time standing still, wonderful and amazing things happened during it and I am not apologetic at all. I went to school some, and worked in many different areas of life and feel that if I had done what most people in my age group had done I would not be the well rounded person I am. I have been living real life since I was 17 and skipped the typical graduate and go to college get a degree and then hope to get a job in your field path. That life was never going to be for me and it has taken a decade to accept. I am proud of who I am and what I have done and believe it made me a better person. I did go to school to study wine and absolutely loved it. I think there is something truly amazing about products coming from pure passion and being able to to enjoy the love that went into making it. I can be both creative and artistic and I can find real enjoyment from culture and also theology even though I am not religious. I listen to music for the lyrics and not the noise and like to spend hours in museums on my own. I am single for the first time in over 7 years and am comfortable being by myself even though I never thought I could be. I am spending the time learning myself all over again and finding out things I didn't even know or refused to see before. I am in the process of looking for something more, something I love and that loves me back. I believe I am on the right path to finding it, it is only a matter of time. I recently moved to Chicago from Orlando Fl, and even though I know I didn't come for all the right reasons sometimes you have to give in to fate and see where it leads you. I spent so long being calculated in my actions and their affects that I am now enjoying the ride of letting life take me where it may. I cannot wait to see snow again for the first time in 17 years and even though I am totally going to freeze my ass off I am excited about it, there is nothing like the smell of the cold. I steal Splenda from coffee shops because its too expensive to buy (it really is), I love dreaming up creative projects and then not doing them, and I love ordering more than eating, and I really enjoy a good beverage albeit alcoholic or not. I read, and I write, I run and I watch documentaries and biographies. I find reading peoples stories especially interesting and plan to begin writing one of my own. I care too much and have issues showing emotion, I wish more people could understand me but I'll take the ones I got. I am seeking knowledge, serenity and enlightenment one day at a time.
"All the world is all I am The black of the blackest ocean And the tear in your hand" -TA
I find a map and draw a straight line
Over rivers farms and state lines
I touch the place where I'd find your face
My fingers in creases of distant dark places
I hang my coat up on the first bar
There is no peace that I've found so far
The laughter penetrates the silence
As drunk men find flaws in science
Their words mostly noises, ghosts with just voices
Your words in my memory, are like music to me
I lay down on the cold ground
Pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms
After I have traveled so far
We'd set fire to the third bar
We'd share each other like an island
Until exhausted close our eyelids.
Contact Tables