16772194

My name is
A D A M
(otherwise known as the Penguin King)
The Life and Times of The Penguin King
abridged for school use
I was born Helmut Stingray Junior Junior (Adam for short) in the wagon of a travelling show, the seventeenth son of Helmut Stingray Junior Senior, the illustrious Belgian silversmith and thief, and his quarter-sister, the infamous Katerina Von Blackheart, esteemed aristocrat, ferocious prostitute and improbable contortionist. I weighed a mighty seven stones and 12 pounds.
My mother died in childbirth.
My formative years were mostly spent travelling through Eastern Europe atop our stolen circus wagon, minstreling, pillaging and raping in the time-honoured family way. By the age of six, I had sired some three hundred bastard children, two hundred and three of whom I named Roderick.
Sadly, my inital batch of children were tragically slain and devoured one fateful night. I was terribly hungry. I shall miss Roderick most of all.
I then decided to become a great Thespian; I had always had an affinity with the Greeks. Without further ado, I moved to Thespia, and taught them the Eastern discipline known as acting. I recorded my exploits pictorially:
..
More on that in this vault .
By 1843, I had founded the world's first chain of convenience brothels, known globally as Yon Trollop Shack. It was in the Constantinople branch that I met the lust of my life, Baroness Haroldina Singh-Cohen, a half-Hindi-half-Jewish courtesan of moderate repute. Upon meeting, we fornicated like hares until 1847. She died tragically of a combination of syphillis and exhaustion. During this night of passion, I sired another 67 bastards, this time all named for future Blue Peter presenters.
In 1912, in order to console myself following the loss of my oh-so-precious Howardina, my three favourite sons (Diane-Louise, Romana and Anthea) and myself set sail for the New World. Upon arrival, we discovered that the New World had already been discovered and was now named "America". Soon after disembarking Diane-Louise and Anthea died of syphillis. Following the loss of both his brothers and lovers, my youngest darling lad Romana died of a broken heart. And syphillis.
Spurred on by the deaths of all those close to me, I decided to become immortal. After a brief pow-wow with God and Satan, I was granted said immortality, on the condition that I would one day die. Satisfied with this bargain, I continued on my trek.
Twenty years later, in 1678, I invented the internet. Believing it to be the most dangerous creature ever bred, my colleague Copernicus and I captured the beast and buried it deep in the Earth's molten core. However, in 1978, a group of perverts unearthed it on an archaeological dig to discover the last pair of knickerbockers donned by the famed motion picture star Miss Natalie Wood. I found these men and explained that as Miss Wood drowned, her undergarments were also consigned to the briny depths, most likely in the stomach of some horrific kraken. Stunned by my superior wisdom, they immediately combusted.
However, by this time, the Internet had, to my noteworthy disdain, already been freed. I waged war on the creature, adopting The Penguin King as my heroic nom du guerre. The battle was mercifully brief, and the hideous brute devoured me, along with my comrades, the Republic of Atlantis and the Ink Thief. Thus imprisoned to this day, I sought other ways to spread my influence.
Hence, I created a religion devoted to my worship. It is known by many aliases, among them Scientology, Penguinism, and Roman Catholicism. Officially, however, it is known as the Church for the Understanding of both Newness & Tradition. Or C.U.N.T.
Add me and we shall continue my quite astounding life quest of exploration and debauchery as companions and, possibly, lovers.
Post-Script: In order to clone me effectively, one requires:
Advanced Global Personality Test Results
Extraversion |||||||||| 40%
Stability |||||||||||||| 60%
Orderliness |||| 13%
Accommodation |||||||||||||| 56%
Interdependence |||||| 23%
Intellectual |||||||||||||||| 70%
Mystical |||||||||||||||| 63%
Artistic |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Religious |||||||||| 36%
Hedonism |||||||||||||| 56%
Materialism |||||||||||||||||||| 83%
Narcissism |||||||||||||||| 63%
Adventurousness |||||| 23%
Work ethic |||||| 23%
Self absorbed |||||| 30%
Conflict seeking || 10%
Need to dominate |||||||||||||||| 70%
Romantic |||||| 23%
Avoidant |||||||||||||||||||| 83%
Anti-authority |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Wealth |||||| 23%
Dependency |||||||||||| 43%
Change averse |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Cautiousness |||||||||||||||| 70%
Individuality |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Sexuality |||||| 30%
Peter pan complex |||||||||||||||| 70%
Physical security |||||||||||||||| 63%
Physical Fitness |||||||||| 37%
Histrionic |||||||||||||| 56%
Paranoia |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Vanity |||||||||||||||| 70%
Hypersensitivity |||||| 23%
Female cliche |||||||||||| 50% Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com.
...so there.
Go on.
COMMENT.
You know you want to.
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