Nobody is perfect, but some of us are more imperfect than others.
It took me quite a long time to write this as i was never clear
on how exactly i precieve myself, the topics of who and what i
am or even what opinion i have of myself have always been very
unclear and dynamic for me.
So i decided to divide it into parts, obviously some parts will
not be revealed here as that could cause a chain reaction which
would eventually have a serious and negative impact on my r-life.
Here are some of the things i tried so hard to keep from you.
::Self
I am an attention whore, but having other people's attention
scares me enough to force me into avoidant behavior.
I feel like everybody is always watching me, every action i
take, every word i say, when i walk outside i feel eyes on me
even though most probably nobody even notices as i pass.
When i write something, be it this or a message to someone,
i always check and re-check and then worry about someone
misinterpreting it.
In a way i am an introvert, always and unconditionally.
i always keep some distance between myself and everyone else
and am paranoid enough to be prepared to be stabbed in the
back by the people i know, but i still play along.
I am not a people person, i am not good at answering messages
or handling criticism, and even compliments throw me into a
state of confusion and loss of words.
I do not get out much, but when i do and especially when i am
in company of more than one person i tend to get psyched
enough to experience the physical symptoms of anxiety.
I cannot express myself properly, and even writing this took
me several months and attempts, usually though people have
difficulties following my train of thoughts due to my tendency
to omit the obvious and then build upon something which i have
previously omitted.
I do not remember faces, i can meet a person many times and have
an urge to ask who they are and where do they know me from,
before i start recognizing them myself.
I have faced my anima to a certain extent but feel that
there is much more to it than i can currently see or express.
more on that as my life progresses.
By the time i finish a work of art i hate it enough to
consider it inferior and thus unworthy of publication.
I see fnords
::Inspiration
My favorite band and source of inspiration for many years
has been Luxt , although recently i cannot truly say that
i have a clear favorite; Luxt lyrics still provide enough
food for thought to keep me occupied.
I am greatly inspired by Mana , a visual and musical genius
who amongst other things inspired me to pick up music again.
Thank you Mana-Sama!
Nero of PsyclonNine is one of those rare people who
i think i can relate to in a way even though i don't know
him personally.
::Indulgence
I have been playing Eve-Online for about three years now,
it's the best mmorpg sandbox out there and definitely not
for the faint of heart.
Apart from that i really love submarine simulators such as
Silent Hunter 3 , while medicore in it's complexity it's an
awesome u-boat game i can spend hours playing, and also a
masterpiece of scary complexity called Dangerous Waters .
The Longest Journey and it's godlike sequel Dreamfall
deserve a special mention here, these two gems are more
like lucid dream experiences than games, there are simply
no other games matching the TLJ/DF world's originality and
awesomeness.
