daz

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-------------------------------------------------------- I dont really know what to put here so Im just gonna make it up as I go along. Ok, so, Im not only the richest secret agent in the world, Im also an alien from the planet kukuduraga and therefore of far higher intellect than you mere humanoids. Before leaving my home planet I was a champion at swing ball and competed regularly on Thursdays around five o clock (interstellar time not bloody G.M.T honestly, get with the program guys!). Whilst not partaking in a game of swing ball however, you can often catch me off the M1 selling broaches and brocades made out of twigs or sitting in a ditch somewhere in East Anglia setting fire to aubergines. At the age of seven my father cast me into a large fiery chasm and shouted "for the love of god please stop the voices" fortunately I was caught by an earwig named Steve who raised me to adulthood, which in earwig terms was 6 and a half years prior to me even meeting Steve and so due to a time singularity created by this situation, I actually became younger. After growing up again to the age of 11 I developed a keen eye for antiques and made friends with David Dickinson who brought me to planet earth where he thought he'd be able to outwit the taxman, he didn't bank however, on Scooby doo turning up (he would have gotten away with it too if it werent for those pesky kids)Whilst Dave was doing bird that’s what we crims call a prison sentence, did I not mention? I also happen to be the best money launderer and thief this side of galactic central point. I met a man named Barbara, Barbara had a lot of issues as he had been bullied at school for having a girls name and used to beat me, this, in turn gave me the bloodlust that I am now best known for amongst my closest friends and enemies alike. However, despite the violence with Barbara, generally the relationship was pretty good and he took me under his wing until I was 14, when he cast me aside like a used tissue and found himself another “special friend”.Quite irritated at Barbara’s tact in getting rid of me, I mean, concrete socks are so 1950’s gangster scene and I’m totally not into that kind of stuff ya know? So I decided to join the circus, the problem is that the aptitude test that they give all potential circus performers looks like it was rejected by N.A.S.S.A on the grounds of it being to hard so I had to settle for being an iguana in the petting circle instead.The life of an iguana is a pretty laid back one but I guess I just missed the action of space travel, that’s the main reason that I decided to play on my strong points for my next career move and become an interstellar bounty hunter (and I’m not talking chocolate bars either) and let me tell you, I was 16 years of age and coming against the foulest scum in the universe, bringing them to justice or even injustice as long as the price was right.It was whilst doing a job one day that I met the love of my life, a strange half lizard half Victoria sponge hybrid person thing from a planet in the outer rim (you know the one from starwars) her name was Gwyneth, the bounty was high on her head though so I killed her and returned the head to my employer in true bounty hunter style, I was devastated but sometimes a mans gotta do what a mans gotta do. And life goes on and on and on and on and on and on and onI now make a living in a sleepy little village in Berkshire cleaning lavatories for old war veterans and the local pub landlord, the pay’s not great but I do meet a lot of interesting people doing it and that’s all that matters to me. however whilst walking down the road to nowhere one slightly purple and cloudy morning, i happened to meet the most interesting life form i've ever seen, completely unexpected for such a crap planet, i believe she may be some sort of highly evolved strain of the ginger plant mainly due to her being so ginger but it's not all bad, infact she's so ace i had to break out the mating call and lo and behold we now have seventeen puppies and a gold fish named mike (that gets pretty confusing but we couldn't be bothered to think of different names for them all) her names nad nad cucumber legs so check her out she's well fuckin fit! Yeah go me!