Amish Cunt

..I hate you.
I'm extremely bored right now, so I guess I could write something here. When I read most of you myspace fuckers' "about me" section, I find that after reading about you, I know nothing about you. Most of you put meaningless shit in there and make it a total waste of time. Assholes. And thanks for using a crappy picture for a background. Reading your profile wouldn't be a chore if it wasn't for that.
Anyway, "about me"...On April 8, 1985, I was born in Houston, Texas. Sometime after I turned two, my dad got transferred to work in Memphis, TN. I have no memory of Houston at all. We lived in Collierville for 14 years. Then my dad applied to transfer to Georgia because he was born and raised here, and so was my mom. He got transferred to work out of Athens and like he did when we moved to TN, he found a small town nearby to live in. Unfortunately that small town is Winder. I finished up the last two years of high school and got into UGA. It's kinda funny because if we hadn't moved, I probably would've finished high school with a low C average, but the difference between Collierville and Winder schools is awesome. Basically, Winder-Barrow High School is like kindergarten compared to my old school. If I hadn't finished high school at WBHS, I never would've had a good enough GPA to get into a decent college.
isn't that interesting?
I've had two jobs in my life. I worked at a pizzeria for 6 or 7 months until I got tired of my bosses who got crazier as the days went on. A few months after I quit that job, I got a job delivering Chinese food to retards who should probably save their money for things like rent and other necessary commodities. I'm currently looking for a new job because I'm fucking tired of driving around Barrow county delivering food to ungrateful slobs who think it's funny to point out that I'm not Chinese.
Fuck you asshole faggots who are thinking of some lame joke to tell me now
I really fucking hate being around people. Most of the time, I go see movies by myself. I'd rather stay home and watch tv, or a dvd, than go hang out with my friends most of the time. There are few people that I really like hanging out with though. And I've tried to be more social. I've gone to college parties and tried the downtown Athens scene. I can't stand it. Talk about monotony. "Hey lets get drunk and talk about sex!" Get's old quick.
yes, fuck you cunts
I'm a movie nerd. I've got around 200 DVDs. I'd have at least twice as many as I have now if I had the money. I spend most of my money on DVDs with a little every now and then going to cds.
nerd nerd nerd
I don't do drugs other than the occasional alcoholic beverage. I've never seen the appeal of pot. Probably because I've never tried it. I'm around it all the time and don't care to try it. This doesn't mean that I'm anti-drugs or anything. I think it's fucking ridiculous that pot is illegal. I hate arguing with people about it too. I always get a "what about this person (random fuck) who did this (random horrible crime)!" They just list some crazy scenario and basically say that this kind of thing will happen more if pot is legal. Which is kind of silly to me, because making pot legal doesn't excuse people who commit real crimes while high. If anything, people who abuse pot that way should be punished worse than if they were sober. But all the people who smoke pot and don't commit some psychotic crime (most people right?) shouldn't be punished for smoking pot. Keeping it illegal doesn't stop the crazy fuckers from being crazy. Holy fuck, I'm ranting about nothing.
Fuck the Truth anti-smoking ads too
I'm going to keep writing nonsense just to be a dick. I know some of you will still read it even though I'm telling you right now, it's a waste of your time. There rest of you will have to deal with this endless amount of writing. All of you people want to be cunts with your annoying pictures in your profiles, or some random fucking song or video playing, I'm going to have more text than any of you will bother to read. I wonder if there's a limit.
I'll bet you're still reading this too aren't you? fag.
I'm fucking tired of this commercial for Seether's new album. Their record company should've dropped them after hearing how much they blow.
they suck
Today, I didn't wake up until 3 pm. I didn't go to sleep until around 5 am though so it's kind of understandable.
I suck
I find that the movie and tv news posted on imdb.com is the funniest most pointless crap ever. Here's a short example for you..."California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger suspects his former rival Sylvester Stallone of leading a secret 1980s campaign to give the Terminator star a reputation as a Nazi sympathizer, according to a new book." That's just hilarious. It also provides a good example of why their news is shit. They always refer to an actors most popular roles instead of just using their name. "the Terminator star." And hey, Arnie, you're from Austria. Anyone in America who doesn't like you is going to call you a nazi.
Arnold sucks
There's something I'm fucking sick of. Anyone who says someone they don't like is like Hitler should have a brick slammed into their face. Until someone becomes a dictator of some country and has millions of people systematically killed, and the rest are treated like animals, no one is like Hitler.
Hitler sucked
Satellite tv is fucking annoying. We just got it here yesterday and it sucks. The remote in my room isn't worth a shit. I have to point it at a funny angle to get it to work. And now when I'm watching tv late at night, like I am now, I keep getting "program guide updates" that popup and interupt what I'm watching. I can either tell it to download the updates later and keep telling it later every 10 minutes, or I can download the updates and not get to watch tv for 3 or 4 minutes. And this is just fucking great. Now it's fucking frozen. Worthless piece of shit. How the fuck does satellite tv just fucking freeze? Earlier tonight, the info for shows was just randomly coming on. Fucking pissed me off.
Satellite tv sucks so bad
I'll add more to this later. Right now, I'm going to look up some free porn and jerk off.
I did that too.
Here's something funny that occasionally happens at work. We have a $10 minimum on delivery orders and when someone doesn't order that much, my boss tells them so. A lot of the time, I'm sitting there listening to my boss talk to the customer and I'm always amused when she tells a customer they need to order more than $10 for delivery, and then they order well over $30. How the fuck does that happen? How could you go from wanting one meal and a drink, to $30+ worth of food just like that? It doesn't happen too often, but every now and then...
"This job would be great if it weren't for the fucking customers"
"KNOW YOUR DOPE FIEND. YOUR LIFE MAY DEPEND ON IT! You will not be able to see his eyes because of Tea-Shades, but his knuckles will be white from inner tension and his pants will be crusted with semen from constantly jacking off when he can't find a rape victim. He will stagger and babble when questioned. He will not respect your badge. The Dope Fiend fears nothing. He will attack, for no reason, with every weapon at his command-including yours. BEWARE. Any officer apprehending a suspected marijuana addict should use all necessary force immediately. One stitch in time (on him) will usually save nine on you. Good Luck. The Chief"
If you don't know where that comes from, you suck.
You suck anyway
That's enough content from books for now.
expect more later, jackass
I'm going to keep writing nonsense just to be a dick. I know some of you will still read it even though I'm telling you right now, it's a waste of your time. There rest of you will have to deal with this endless amount of writing. All of you people want to be cunts with your annoying pictures in your profiles, or some random fucking song or video playing, I'm going to have more text than any of you will bother to read. I wonder if there's a limit.
Did you catch that, cunt?
Today I woke up at around 1:00 pm. I got up and came into this room to dick around on the internet for a bit. Turns out that "a bit" is around one hour long. After the internet, I took a shower. A nice shower. When I got out of the shower, I fixed lunch. I can't remember what I ate for lunch. I watched Return of the Jedi while I ate. Great movie. After Return of the Jedi was over, I watched some of the special features on the fourth disc of the boxset. After I watched all of the special features I felt like watching, I came back in here and dicked around on the internet some more. As I usually do at 5:45 pm on a Wednesday, I went to work. Work was slow and I made $32. Not nearly as much as I'd like. When I came home, I started dicking around on the internet and that's what I've been doing since then.
If you read that paragraph, you suck more than I do for writing it
I hate driving into a neighborhood and seeing a sign warning drivers of a deaf, blind, and/or retarded kid living in the area. It's just so pointless. Those signs don't make me drive any more careful in a neighborhood because I don't want to hit ANY kids. Ever think that a better way to deal with a kid that's blind, deaf, or retarded is to fucking watch it. Maybe not let it play in the streets. Slapping up a road sign just makes me want to honk my horn and yell "YOUR DEAF KID CAN'T FUCKING HEAR ME" out my window as I drive by. And if there's a kid in the street after one of those signs I'm supposed to what? Get out and help them not get hit? You could just fucking make sure your blind kid isn't playing hockey in the streets! Your kid is no more special than any other kid and I'm not going to treat him differently because he drools on himself and can't see. That's your job, so fuck off.
this is just an old blog entry. I'm lazy
I wish I had a bicycle. I should like to go swimming tomorrow, but probably won't wake up early enough or won't feel like walking down to the pool. I'm currently reading three books at a time, focusing on only one and occasionally reading a bit of the other two. I drink too much coca cola. The background image on my laptop is of Bender Bending Rodriguez. I'm about to finish writing this gibberish and I will then eat a snack and watch some adult swim. I like to go to hockey games the most. College football games aren't that interesting to watch, and for most people have merely become an excuse to get shitfaced. I can't wait until June 15 when I'm in Raleigh, North Carolina and I'll get to meet Ron Thal and Mattias IA Eklundh. I still need money for a hotel room. I'll probably end up sleeping in my car, or just driving back all night on Saturday/Sunday after the last night clinic. I wish I could get a new distortion pedal so that my guitar doesn't sound so shitty on recordings. I'm probably going to read the Lord of the Rings books again soon. I hate commercials for prescription drugs. I just saw the preview for the Honeymooners movie and someone should seriously be killed for it. Not because they changed the white characters into black characters, but just because it looks like shit. I've only got a few blank cds left but it'll still take me 3 months to use them. I hate that "parental advisory: mature content" thing. I've never understood how corn can show up in your shit. I understand that our stomachs can't digest corn, but I don't understand why you people don't fucking chew your fucking food. Futurama just came on and it's the episode where they go on the maiden voyage of the space cruise ship called "Titanic." I wish there were cyclops people or people with three or four eyes. That would be awesome. I imagine that if my vision were bad, I'd wear glasses and not contacts. Maybe I'm wrong though. If it were up to me, everyone would walk on their hands. When is Jeff Foxworthy going to die? I need to get a proper mic and something to run it through so that I can record decent vocals for my songs. With all of this random crappy writing, I don't know what I'll write for my blog tonight. Perhaps I will rag on the pope again. I wish C3PO was real so that I could kick his head around a bit. He's such a douche. I wish some people would take the hint that I took the hint and didn't want the hint. Get it? I think that whoever invented the stapler was a genius. He, or she, deserves some kind of medal and a huge cash prize. If this person is dead however, we will dig them up, place the medal around their neck, and I will take the cash prize and blow it all on lottery tickets. One day, I'm going to take my computer and blow it up. It pisses me off so much. I'll have to get a new one before I destroy the one I got though. Too bad I'll probably hate the new one too. I have a small box containing about twenty useless cards with my name on them. They were for graduation invitations I think, but I can't be bothered to remember. I wonder how many spelling mistakes I've made in all of this. I'd check but I don't feel like it. Please, don't bother telling me if you've found one either? I don't care.
if any of you cunts tell me you found a spelling mistake, I'll slap you, bitch.
This is great. I can't believe I didn't think of putting this in here yesterday. What I'm about to put in here is a very short paper I had to write for my world history class in my senior year of high school. The assignment was retarded and I didn't take it seriously because of it. What we did was watch an old black and white film adaptation of the Diary of Anne Frank. We were told that we would have to take notes on what happens in the story and then write a two page paper about what happens. It was totally retarded. I took notes, often giving characters my own nicknames (such as Fatty McGee) or writing a character's name the way Anne Frank spoke them (such as Payter). When I got home and looked at my notes and thought about the assignment, I decided to just type up my notes exactly as I had written them and hope they added up to two typed pages. Almost. Almost was close enough for me. Here's the paper...
.... After the war some people, including Mr. Frank, go to where the Franks were hiding. They find Anne’s diary and start reading it.
.... Then it goes to Anne Frank’s description of the first day when they go into hiding. The Franks move in with another family. They got a description of what they can and can’t do and when.
.... Then it shows all of them being really quiet during the days. Reading. Anne’s dad gives her her “film star” pictures and a diary.
.... All that’s going on is they are being very quiet. They listened as someone robbed the place. They talked about the robbery and an old man moved in with them. The guy tells them what’s been going on outside. Mr. D. and Anne talk. He gets up and makes a big racket.
.... Some people shoot at other people in the streets and Anne starts screaming loudly because she is stupid. Anne turned away from her mom and asks for her dad. Anne and Mr. F. talk about who she loves and other stuff.
.... Anne and Mr. D. duke it out. Anne describes what’s going on in the war. Then, the city where they are starts getting bombed. It shakes their place and breaks a few windows. They celebrate Chanukah. Anne gives everyone gifts that she made. Peter tricks Mr. D. with the fake cat. Then his father threatens to get rid of the cat.
.... The place is getting robbed again and the cat is moving around. Someone tries to catch the cat and makes a loud noise that scares the robber away. The soldiers come in to search for people. The cat makes cat noises. The soldiers realize it’s just a cat and leave. They all start singing like idiots. They have cake and celebrate someone’s birthday. Then they argue over rations and who divides thing better.
.... Someone is blackmailing the guy who is hiding them. Anne has a hissy fit. Peter comes to talk to Anne. Anne and “Pay-ter” set up little dates in his room where they talk. Anne and “Pay-ter” have their little talk/date thing. Basically, Anne complains about herself, not being pretty, and “Pay-ter” says the opposite of her bad comments. They talk about kissing then they kiss right before she leaves. Mr. Crowler went into the hospital because of ulcers. Fatty McGee (“Pay-ter’s” dad) was caught stealing food.
.... Then they hear a radio broadcast about the invasion at Normandy. Fatty McGee has a breakdown and starts crying which makes Mrs. Frank start crying and Mr. D. gets upset because, “you’re ruining the celebration of the invasion!”
.... Mr. Crowler goes back into hospital for an operation. No one has been to visit them for three days. The phone keeps ringing. Mr. D. wants them to answer it, and he thinks Mr. Crowler is dead. Fatty McGee and his wife fight. Anne and “Pay-ter” talk. He’s depressed.
.... Then Nazi police come and take them away. It goes back to after the war with Mr. Frank and others reading Anne’s diary. Mr. Frank talks about who died and depressing stuff like that.
.... Those are my notes. That is pretty much word for word what I wrote when I watched the movie. I didn’t like it. The actors were annoying. It is still a very depressing think to watch. It’s hard to believe that all of that horrible stuff happened to those people. Very sad.
Yes, I really turned this in. I got 5 points off because it wasn't quite 2 pages long. That's it. 5 points off. If I were the teacher, I'd have slapped me in the face. I'm fairly certain that he didn't even read everyone's papers and just checked for length. This makes me sad because I got 5 points off when I could've just made up a paragraph that wouldn't even need to be related to Anne Frank in anyway, and I would've gotten full credit. Oh well.
Anne Frank was stupid.
O-M-fucking-G! Tonight while I was working, I was driving behind this truck, see? And because my air conditioning doesn't work, I had my passenger window down! The driver of the truck in front of me was smoking and some of the smoke got in my car! I MIGHT CATCH THE CANCER NOW! Smoking should be BANNED in your car! Especially if you're driving!
Anyone who thinks I'm serious should slap themselves for me
Seeing as how this section is titled "About Me" I think it's a appropriate to get back to the subject of me. I don't smoke. I've never even smoked a cigarette. Smoking has never bothered me, I just think it's a bit of a retarded thing to spend money on. The smell doesn't bother me so much unless I'm so covered with it that it's in my hair and I can't go to sleep without smelling it. That only happens after concerts though. And yeah, woo cancer. Don't care. I'm not going to waste my time bitching about every thing that causes cancer. I'm going to waste it bitching about bad drivers and other stupid cunts.
To sum up that paragraph: Me=no smoke, You=don't mind if ya do
Drinking. Yeah, I drink every now and then. It's pretty rare and as far as this year goes, I think it's been about once a month, but the last time I actually drank enough to be considered drunk was on New Years. It's just so unnecessary. I have just as much fun sober as I do drunk. And sober I don't vomit and wake up with a headache and the shits. But still, I get drunk every now and then for whatever reason. Big deal. Probably not worth writing this paragraph about.
Chugging beer makes me vomit. Guaranteed.
For Christmas of 1996, my parents gave me a good Fender acoustic guitar. It technically wasn't my first guitar, but when compared to my actually first guitar, which was a...Harmony, I think, from Sears for $30 or so, it really is my first. You can see the Fender acoustic in my pictures. Someone looked at that picture of me playing it and asked what song I was playing because I look concentrated or something. I can't remember what it was, but it was nothing special and I thought it was a funny question to ask. Anyway, I started taking lessons with that guitar and saving money for an electric. After two years of that guitar and about a year and a half of lessons, I had enough to buy the standard first electric. Well, the standard first electric if your parents aren't rich. I got a Squire Fat Strat, black with a white pickguard. Standard. I got a cheap, really crappy amp and a cheap effects processor shortly after. After two full years of lessons, my teacher had to start giving lessons at a different location and I wouldn't be able to go there every saturday. Lessons stopped. It's a shame that I pretty much wasted the time too. Instead of learning all the shit I should've been learning like scales and how to read sheet music, and all that stuff, I just learned how to play random songs. My teacher tried to teach me all that stuff, I was just an assbag. So I've been dicking around learning this or that and slowly getting better and better. Still I'm very sloppy and not good at lead which is fine with me. I got my Jackson KE3 as a sort of high school graduation gift to myself. I quickly replaced the volume knob with Darth Vader's head because those knobs were being made at the same time I bought the guitar. If the guitar had some tone knobs I'd have gotten some storm trooper knobs too. But it was just volume. It's a great guitar but definitely the last one I'll ever buy with a floyd rose system in it. I rarely use tremolo and it just makes changing strings a total bitch. Keeps in tune pretty well though. And then there's one more guitar that my uncle is "loaning" me. It's a 1984 Gibson Explorer. Red. It's a great guitar. Awesome really. My uncle gave it to me last year saying, "I'm giving this to you...to take care of. Uhh...if I ever need it, I'll call you." I use all of my guitars for different things. Acoustic is obviously for acoustic. You'd have to be retarded to think otherwise. The squire is for alternate tunings because it's the easiest to change tunings on. The Jackson is for more metal stuff and for practicing on lead. The Gibson is for whatever the fuck I want it for.
I love my guitars.
I started playing bass near the end of my senior year of high school. I was in a band and pissed off our bass player (who was already bored with our music anyway) and he quit. We looked for a bass player for a month or so, with just a few people who didn't work out. One day my friends jokingly said, "how about you play bass?" thinking I'd say no. Of course I said yes. The problem of course now was that I didn't have a bass or money for one. The guitarist had one that used to be his dad's and an amp I could use too. It's a Peavey 5 string bass and the amp is gone. I've got my own amp now but I still don't have my own bass. I'm going to have to get one soon though. I'm not particularly good on bass but eh...what can ya do.
I like playing bass.
Today I got up at about 1:30 pm. I came into the office to dick around on the computer for a little while. I think I added some crap in here. Then at 3:00 I took a shower. When I got out of the shower, I went to the bank. My mom had a deposit that she couldn't take because she's babysitting 2 kids and doesn't have 2 carseats. So I took the deposit, and also went to the post office because my mom needed stamps and to mail some cards and shit. So I did that. Then I went to a gas station and payed $1.88 per gallon to fill up my car. I went home and confirmed that the bank did in fact make a mistake and gave me $150 when they shouldn't have. My dad took care of it. I ate lunch when I got home. At 5:00 Rocko's Modern Life came on. I love that show, and I love the fact that I get to watch it now. It's such a good thing to watch before work too. I left for work a little after 5:45. While at work I delivered to only four customers, one of which I would bet money on is a drug dealer. He was at the Travelers Motel (a place where you'd go if you were ugly and had a prostitute) and the most crackheaded looking guy came out of his room while I was there. I made very little money tonight and that sucks because Friday is usually the best night. At the end of the night they told me I get tomorrow off because we're not very busy. This sucks because I really need any small amount of money I can get so that I can pay for my hotel room while I'm in North Carolina. Anyway, I came home from work at about 9:00 and cooked a pizza for dinner. Then I came down here to add more shit to this profile to see how much longer I can make it tonight. I'd say I've done well. It at least makes me laugh at how much dogshit you've got to go through to get down to my friends and comments. Oh, and I went through my cd book and added all the bands I've got. I'm sure there are some I've forgotten though because I haven't updated my cd book in a long, long time. Then I went to my dvd list and added most of the movies I own. The list is of course not a complete list of movies I like because it doesn't include movies I've seen and have yet to get the dvd for, or dvds I've got and just haven't added to my list yet. But thanks for reading this crap anyway. I'm sure Nathan is the only douche reading all this though
So I've recorded yet another song. Another annoying song. It's a bit weird. There's a slow part with a high pitched whiny guitar noise playing along with the bass, and there's a fast part that would probably be better off in another song. I like it though. Kinda weird. Especially when it goes from the loud fast part to just the bass, and the way I've fucked with the drums. They're annoying for sure, but yeah...that's what I wanted. I didn't know what to do with the end, so I just fucked around with that last guitar chord and well...if you listen to the song, you'll see. I named it "Melllvar and Welshie" after the Futurama episode "Where No Fan Has Gone Before." The Planet Express delivery crew take Leonard Nimoy to another planet in search of the cast of the original Star Trek. They find the cast and find that the cast has been imprisoned by a gas being named Melllvar. One of the orinal cast members didn't want to do a reunion musical in some future year so they replaced the character Scotty (I believe) with a character named "Welshie." Melllvar electrifies Welshie twice when he gets mad. The second time, Welshie explodes completely.
The more you know...
While I'm at it, I might as well explain the rest of my Futurama titles for those of you that aren't Futurama nerds like me.
1. Sexlexia is what Zapp Brannigan calls his very sexual learning disability.
2. Angry Norwegian Anchovies is the name of the company that made the anchovies that Fry buys in an auction for a lot of money (I can't remember how much). He buys them because they are the last anchovies in existence, and anchovies are his favorite pizza topping. Anchovies were fished extinct when Zoidberg's people moved to Earth.
3. Mayor Poopenmeyer is the mayor of New New York.
4. The Tricky Dick Fun Bill is the $300 bill that President Nixon gives the citizens of Earth as a tax rebate after Earth gets a huge surplus because of a victory in war led by Captain Zapp Brannigan. The episode was a spoof of what President Bush did. The tricky dick fun bill is not strictly a $300 bill. You can use it anywhere, and if you don't spend all $300, the bill changes to show you how much is left. For example, Fry puts it in a vending machine for a cup of coffee and when it comes out, the $300 turns to $299. I think the Nixon head on the bill said something too.
Now you know
Here's something that bothers me. Sony, Nintendo, and Microsoft all have new "better" consoles coming out. Maybe I'm missing something, but what's wrong with the one's they've already got out? I've become bored with video games and I'm not sure why. I'll start a game and play about half way through (or often times much less than that) and just quit. I don't know why. But thank god they're making better concoles so that we can have these games that look more real than ever, because we all know that's what made Super Mario Bros. so awesome! I probably wouldn't have played Megaman 2 for hours every day if Megaman didn't look like a real person. Ninja Turtles 2 (the arcade game)...I wouldn't have been able to tolerate that shit for a minute if I couldn't see the picture-esque detail on Leonardo's shell. Thank God the people that made those awesome games concentrated on making the characters look real instead of all that worthless stuff like making the game fun.
If you don't get the sarcasm in that, kill yourself.
Seriously though, am I supposed to give a shit that some game developers have made a racing game where the cars look real? Oh wow, the bullet I shot into that guy made an accurate entry wound and the exit wound is exactly how it should be for a bullet that size travelling from that gun shot at that distance! Amazing detail. Whoop-dee-fucking-doo. If I want amazing detail and realistic shit, I'll watch tv, a movie, or I'll fucking go outside. I play games for fun, not to see which developers can make the most realistic games. The consoles we have now are perfectly fine and Sony, Nintendo, and Microsoft wouldn't get away with robbing us off $300 every 3 years if people weren't so fucking obsessed with how awesome a game looks. To Nintendo's credit, they've always had cartoony characters and I suspect they're only doing a new console to keep up with the assholes at Sony and Microsoft.
I'm a nerd, but not a fucking sucker for "photo-realism"
My dad is quite a nerd. We just got satellite and two 100 hour dvrs (TiVo, just not the TiVo brand), and I checked it today to see what he's got saved because I was bored. He's got fucking news saved on there. Not even CNN or FOXNews...local CBS news. The most worthless kind of news there is. Why the fuck would he save that horrible crap? "Uh oh dad, you missed the news. Guess you'll just have to imagine the cliche "heart-breaking" story of the white trash family who lost everything when some random "unthinkable" weather hazard destroyed it all. You can also imagine the report on what is apparently the ONE crime that happened in all of the Atlanta area today and make up your own image of what the suspect looks like. Want to know the weather? Go outside. Sports? Hockey season was cancelled. Health? Coffee is once again a good thing to drink." "Oh no, I saved it. No need to worry."
Seriously...news.
I was talking to a friend tonight and she started talking about Hollywood incest and mentioned the Olsen twins and showed me a picture where they look like they're going to make out. Then I decided that the Olsen twins have already made a twincest porno. They've already made it because it is guaranteed that they lose their looks soon. They made it in case they lose all of their money somehow and need something to sell so they can y'know...eat and all that other essential human stuff. Why twincest porn? Because it beats the shit out of sucking the cock of a U.S. President or some other crackhead. So they've got this porno tape, it has everything. Yes...even fisting. They have small hands anyway though. They have this tape in a hot pink safe with the words "For a Rainy Day" painted on top. They've got the combination for this safe in another safe buried with their grandmother. They've also got this safe inside another, bigger safe which can only be opened by a retinal scan. There are armed guards for this bigger safe and anyone that isn't an Olsen twin is shot and killed if they are even in sight of the armed guards. I have determined that all of this is true because it must be so.
Seriously...buried with their grandmother.
I can't sit on this awesome secret any more, and I already told one person last night. Last month I was contacted by a couple of people who want me to write and record an album, write and direct a movie, and write a book! It's so awesome! It all started when Bill Gates called me up and was like, "yo Paul! I've heard some of your music and I've decided to start up a record label for you! Your music must be heard by the douchebag money pits of America." And I was like, "yeah, no shit? That's cool. I'll get some shit together and send you a copy when I'm finished." He was like, "Cool. I'm anxious to hear your new stuff." So that was in late March. A week after that call, I got a call from that hairless bastard Donald Trump and he was like, "my good friend Bill said you were a genius and that I should contact you for something. How would you like to write and direct a new movie. I just bought MGM studios and I want you to take over there for me. I want you to make the first Donald and Paul Studios (DP Studios for short) film." So I was like, "yeah, no shit?" And he was like, "straight up." And I was like, "does that saying really apply here?" And he was like, "I don't know, but I meant to say yes...write and direct a movie for me." So I was like, "aight! I'll have the first draft of the script in a month or so." So get this...I was recording a song between script writing sessions and I get a call from both of them on a threeway chat kinda thing. They'z like, "Uh, Paul. We were just talking about how awesome you are and how awesomely rich we are and thought about how awesome it would be if you took your awesome writing talents and wrote a book." So I was like, "Shiiiiiiit. What da fuck could it be about?" And Bill was like, "get this. It's so perfect...you write about how you met us and how much it has changed you're life." And the Trump was like, "yeah, you could call it 'How Two Rich Assholes Changed My Life'" So I was like, "yeah, that does sound like a good book. With me attached it's sure to be a best seller...but I don't know...it needs something." And Bill was like, "a subplot about your porno addiction." "Bingo," I said, "I'll get started on the book as soon as I finish this song." And they started begging me to let them hear the song and I was like, "no, it ain't finished. But when I am finished and people hear this they'll be saying, 'Shaq who?'"
So that's how it all got started. I've got 2/3 of the script finished. 1/2 of the album, and 16 chapters of the book. The script is about a delightful little anteater named Jim who goes on an adventure with his best friend who is an owl. None of the characters have names because animals don't have fucking names. Principle photography is expected to begin late in August with Adrian Brody as the anteater and Woody Allen as the owl. It's going to be awesome.
But lately Bill and Donald have been getting a bit impatient. Just the other day they called me and were like, "Ahhhh....it's been a few months and we were just wondering if you knew when you'd be done with any of your projects." So I was like, "Shit...I'll be done with em when I get done with em." And they were like, "whoa, we didn't mean to upset you, sir." So I was like, "I know. I know. I'm sorry. How about I send yous guys a copy of everything I've got so far. You'll see that it's certainly worth the wait." And they were like, "That would be excellent! Just for that, we're doubling the money we're paying you. You deserve it." So I was like, "thanks, bye." And they were like, "Alright, goodb..." but I hung up on them bitches. So, if it seems my profile on this site is a bit thin, it's because I haven't had time between writing an album, a movie, and a book all at the same time.
Yes. I'm dead serious
On Friday night, work was very slow. I only had four deliveries whereas I usually have at least twice that many. I think I made about $32 and that's just awful for a Friday night. At the end of the night they told me not to come in on Saturday because we haven't been busy and last week was the slowest we've had. So I didn't work on Saturday. This sucks because I really need money for my trip to Raleigh, NC in a couple of weeks and work is slow. I also need money for new tires on my car. I was thinking I could set up my own shop in the front yard and sell something, but I'm not sure what it could be. I don't want to sell anything that I had to pay for...it should be something I made. Not lemonade because that's retarded and it won't work. It has to be something that people actually want. With that in mind, I've come up with a few ideas and I might just use them all. Why specialize in one product when several will sell? So here's what I've got. Fake piles of crap made from real piles of crap. You know those rubber dog doo things people buy to gross people out? Why bother with rubber? My dogs crap all the time and I could easily put the piles in ziplock bags to sell them. Smell included! Problem is that my dogs are small. So I decided that there would be different sizes. The dog's crap would be small, mine would be large. "Don't be fooled by that fake crap!" That would be the slogan for the product. Another idea I've had involves dead rats. It's really the same idea as the crap piles...I just package dead rats instead. There were more ideas but I can't remember them right now.
Obviously this is bullshit, but I really do need money
Here's the introduction to the Fostex MR-8 Multitracker...
"Thank you very much for purchasing the Fostec MR-8 digital multitracker. The MR-8 is a digital multitracker which records and plays back 8-track audio on a CompactFlash card. You can record audio at 44.1 kHz/16 bits (in the normal mode) or 22.05 kHz/16 bits (in the extended mode). The MR-8 is also equipped with an 8-channel digital mixer, digital effects including delay/reverb, mastering effects and insert effects (simulation effects). It allows you to carry out all the process for digital multitrack recording including overdubbing, track bounce and mixdown.
Read this manual thoroughly for using all funtions of the MR-8 provides correctly.
I didn't read it all
Here's something else that bother's me. People that have to eat Chinese food with chop sticks. Here's the thing...the food doesn't taste any better if you eat it with wood sticks. For kids, it's fun to try. I don't mind them. The adults that use them just seem like they think they are special because they can use them. You're not special. Everyone can use them. It's not that difficult. It's pointless.
Seriously, fuck off with your "They put chop sticks in here?"
There's another thing that bother's me about my job. I drive all the way out to the edge of the county, hand the customer the food, and get "did they put *food item* in here?" I don't know. If you asked it, they most likely put it in there. I know, I know...you ordered it one time a few months ago and they forgot it. Wooo. What good does it do you or me to ask if they put it in the bag when I'm all the way the fuck out here and as far as I know, I don't have a fucking kitchen in my car. If the shit isn't in the bag, call them and tell them and I'll be back in 30 minutes. If not, what the fuck do you want me to do? I'm not going to take off the price of the shit because then I'll have to pay for it or spend thirty minutes explaining to them that they forgot something. No.
Fucking douchebags piss me off
Why does Shaq rule so much? I was watching my Kazaam dvd today and it pisses me off. I can't believe he wasn't even nominated for Best Actor by the Academy. His acting is like watching an angel that made a deal with the devil to be a great actor. Then I got out his latest rap cd and I must say...best album ever. He really knows his way around a microphone. His lyrics are like God spilled his alphabet soup and Shaq got to use it as lyrics. And for you shitheads...yes, God's spilled soup does spell out words, but for you shitheads to understand, God needs an interpreter like Shaq.
Fuck that stupid shithead Shaq
I was just reminded of what I did about that retarded classmates.com website. I signed up for it a long time ago and never actually did anything with it. I listed one school and was like, "well...I guess that's all you can do." Then I kept getting emails from them saying more people have listed that school. They're really annoying and I don't care if 2 more people went to that school. One day, I got one and was like, "fine, I'll check it out. See who else has fallen for this shit." Turns out there was someone that I actually wanted to get in contact with. Neat, right? Then I found out you have to be a paying member to be able to email other members. Fucking worthless website. I don't remember looking for a "cancel my account" option but it wasn't right in front of me so I found my own way to end it. I uploaded a picture. If I remember correctly, only paying members can even see the pictures anyway though. So I opened up MSPaint and made a masterpiece that said, "Fuck this website and the shitheads that run it" and uploaded it. My account was deleted by the next time I got ...
Seriously, that website fucking sucks
Speaking of shitty websites, I'd like to talk about the fun I've had with ratemyteacher.com. I love going on there and giving shitty ratings to teachers at my old high school, especially if I never had the teacher. There's only a few real teachers listed that I have rated well but mostly, I give bad ratings. I've also added my own favorite teacher and myself as Vice Principal. My favorite teacher is a Mr. D. Sanchez and he teaches Spanish. I always give him awesome ratings with comments that include some combination of the words "awesome" "smart," and "cool." There was also a time when I added a bunch of retarded names as teachers. Some of the names include: Assf Uck, Shi Thead, Motherf Ucker, Coc Ksucker, and many others I can't remember. I used to have pictures of all the added names but I apparently deleted them. Anyway, the location of the space between the "names" was important because they wouldn't allow words like fuck and shit.
That website sucks shit too
Some asshole pulled out in front of me while I was on 316 today. Going 65 mph with little room to stop, I had to quickly change lanes to avoid hitting him. Luckily no one was in the other lane next to me. I flipped him off as I passed, and rightfully so. He almost caused me to crash because he couldn't wait another 2 seconds till after I had passed the intersection he was at.
So what does he do? Speed up and flip me off as he passed me. Oooooooh. I didn't do shit wrong you stupid fuck and you get mad at me for flipping you off when you almost caused me to crash? Eat shit. Hindsight is 20/20. I should've plowed into his truck and sued his ass, assuming he and I lived. Oh well.
Another old blog entry from late March
Here's a really old entry from my blog about the day that inspired the wonderful "No Fishing" song I recorded.
"The enourmous display in the Tate Center did nothing for me other than provide some good laughs. I don't know where to begin talking about it. There's just so much.
First, there were big signs that said something like "caution: genocide awareness photos ahead" or whatever. The important thing is that it warns you as you're walking into the area that there are going to be graphic images ahead. There were a few of the signs that had a phone number for a post abortion help helpline which I thought was kinda bizarre and I can't imagine too many girls actually getting help from talking to someone that is apparently going to believe the girl to be a murderer no different from Hitler.
The display makes me want to cry over my lack of a digital camera. Seriously, this thing was just wow. It was a huge circle of big posters (posters were probably about 3 x 6 ft in size) hanging on a sort of fence about 7 ft tall. There were the pro-life people in front of the signs, and a fence between them and the rest of us. There were two cops way off to the side in case things got out of hand.
The posters were awesome. I wish I could've stolen one. Again...no digital camera makes me sad. Because of the height of what they were stuck to, you wouldn't need to go in the big area to see them. I was walking to class and saw the graphic pictures long before I saw the warnings about graphic pictures. Good job there. Good thing I found the graphic images funny I guess.
The first one I saw, from across the street said, "Abortion is a savage act of violence!" Immediately the image of a doctor popped into my head. The doctor ran up to some woman and punched his arm up her cooch and ripped out the fetus. Violence. I don't consider the abortion procedure to be violence but okay, whatever. After the images of the crazy violent doctor left my mind, I realized that I look at abortion as a savage act of house cleaning.
I then went to class with hopes that I'd get more time to look at the whole display later. Highlights of the display:
1. Comparing abortion to the holocaust, Rwanda, Cambodia, the KKK, lynchings in the US, and I think one other mass killing thing.
2. The images of abortions were awesome. Most of them featured fetus limbs and parts on American coins. Good size reference. I can't imagine who took those pictures. "What can I do to get a strong emotional response from people? Abortions on American money! Alright, get out that medical waste!"
3. The breast cancer one. A few years ago people believed that women that had abortions were more likely to get breast cancer. This has since been proved false but still they made the connection that having an abortion means you get breast cancer. They had step-by-step pictures of breast cancer removal. Only problem is that yeah, the breast in the picture had cancer and was removed, but for all I know the woman connected to that breast hasn't had an abortion. I still don't get the original connection of abortions to breast cancer. It's like saying a guy is more likely to get ass cancer if he has oral surgery to me.
After all of my classes were finished, I had about 2 hours to waste since I had to take the essay portion of the Regents Exam at 5:15. Awesome! Plenty of time and the display was still there. One of my teachers was sitting on a bench near the display and she was talking to some students about it so I figured it'd be fun to talk to them. See if I can get some laughs.
Talked about the breast cancer one and mocked the intention of the pictures with my teacher. The people these pictures would affect would not have an abortion to begin with. The people that would have, or have had an abortion would know it's not a pretty situation. People aren't going to look at the images and go, "that's what it looks like? Wow. And look at that! The dead fetus looks just like the dead people in Rwanda. Now I'm not going to have one!" My teacher made the comment, "WOW! That's what it is? I've had like 7 of them! I had no idea." We all laughed.
The arguments of the people behind the fence were funny too, unfortunately I can't remember any of them.
So remember everyone...abortion = genocide. And to all of you people out there that glorify abortion (about zero people total), quit because it is a disgusting act of savage violence.
Forgot to add the only thing I could come up with for pro-choice people to put on a poster like the ones at Tate today. I'd say my idea is more ridiculous than the fetus coins, but I think it's funny so I'll mention it anway. The picture is of a woman, smoking, hanging out/laughing with friends in her apartment. The caption says, "Good thing I had an abortion" "
That's it. That was on March 20 or 21. I'm not sure. I still wish I had pictures of that awesome display.
I'm just cheating now
I wrote and recorded another song today. This time I started with the drums. In fact, I started with nothing and programmed my own beats and shitty fills. The drums came out alright I guess. I'm not a drummer though so...whatever. This is also the first time I've actually tried to make my own usable drum beats too. Maybe I'll get better as I do it more. So anyway, I made the drums and then wrote the guitar for it. Then I recorded it all as well as a quick little bit of the Inspector Gadget theme for the middle of the song. I'd have come up with another riff of my own to put there but I felt like I'd have to make another beat for it and I didn't feel like it. Plus, I wanted to use the Inspector Gadget theme for something, and I thought it would fit nicely in there. It did, although I just fucked up the ending of Inspector Gadget because I can't really remember it well. So I put it all together and decided to call it "The Fry Hole" from the Futurama episode "Anthology of Interest I" in the part where the 'What If? Machine' shows us what Fry's life would've been like if he hadn't been frozen and brought to the future. In the altered scene from the pilot episode, Fry doesn't fall into the cryogenic chamber and a portal to the future opens up. Later when he gets back to work Stephen Hawking comes in for a pizza and Fry asks him if anyone has seen a hole in space with weird monsters in it and suggests that if he's the first that it should be called a Fry Hole. Hawking later takes over the name calling it a Hawking Hole but I like Fry Hole better. You'd think that having a bit of the Inspector Gadget theme in this song would mean I'd give it a name that has something to do with Inspector Gadget, but no. I don't want to.
Listen to it, shithead.
I woke up at 5:30 this morning because I had to be at work at 6:30. That really sucked. I couldn't get to sleep last night until around 3 so I ended up with about two and a half hours of sleep and woke up with the headache that I went to sleep with. I almost threw up while walking to my car. I got finished with work in about two and a half hours and came home to go back to sleep. 20 minutes after I fell asleep my mom wakes me up because my boss is on the phone. I need to go back up there because they need me to sign my social security card and make a copy of it again because it wasn't signed last week when they originally got a copy of it. So I went up there, got it done, came home and went back to sleep. Didn't wake up until 3.
I don't think I'll be keeping this job much longer
Rocko's Modern Life is such an awesome show. Since we got this shitty satellite, we've also got a lot of other channels that were previously unavailable through cable. Nicktoons and Boomerang kick all kinds of ass. Nicktoons shows so many of my childhood favorites. I love it. Boomerang shows a ton of Looney Tunes. That's all they were showing this weekend and that was awesome. I got to see a good few that aren't on the Golden Collection dvds. I got to see one that we used to have on VHS but I don't know where that tape is and I've been wanting to see it for a while. Best thing about satellite is those two channels. Worst thing is pretty much everything else. Finding the channels I like is a pain in the ass. We were supposed to get HBO and it hasn't been turned on yet. And now two of the shows I watch on HBO have started their new seasons and I can't watch the new episodes because we don't fucking have HBO yet. Now I've got to hope that if we tell them we're supposed to have HBO, they'll fucking turn it on this week so I can catch reruns of the first episodes.
I will be super-pissed and will Hulk out if I miss them
I need more shit in here. I've gotten very lazy about putting more useless shit in this profile. It's all because of my vacation back in June. I had no internet access for those 5 days and got out of my routine of things. So here's a bloated tale of that vacation.
I left early on Wednesday morning, June 15. I had to get to Raleigh NC with enough time to check into my hotel, unload the van, and go find a grocery store for a few things before I had to find the Raliegh Music Academy for the first night clinic at 7:30. I don't remember exactly what time I got there, but there was more than enough time to do everything I needed and I tried to get a nap.

After checking into my room and unloading the van, I drove over to the Food Lion near the Red Roof Inn to get some milk and something cheap to eat for dinner before the night clinic. It ended up being a microwavable Ramen Noodles cup thing, which turned out to be more difficult than I expected, but that's partly because I'm retarded. After Food Lion, I walked over to the Big Lots because I naturally assumed they'd have an oven mitt that I could get Mattias "IA" Eklundh and Ron Thal to sign. The oven mitt tradition was started by some dutch fan (I think he's dutch...whatever) and he posted about it on Ron Thal's bumbleforums. There are a few other people that got oven mitts signed making it a new sort of tradition for us nerds and I wanted to help carry it on. So Big Lots had the perfect oven mitt. A nice light colored one with an American flag colored heart with "Welcome" printed on it. Perfect. This oven mitt was not made for cooking. Food doesn't give a shit if the hand welcomes it from the oven. This oven mitt was made for signatures.
After that I went to a drug store because I needed a poster board and a marker so I could make a sign. Before the trip, I'd decided that I needed a new picture of me with Bumblefoot because the one I got in March is grainy and crappy because it was from a disposable camera. For this trip, I had my dad's digital camera. So I needed a new pic of me and my hero, but didn't want the standard "me with *musician*" pic. So I bought the poster board and black marker and wrote "douche" on the poster and drew a giant fucking arrow above it pointing left. Perfect.
After making the sign, I had about 60 minutes to waste and decided that taking a nap would be best. I set the alarm but unfortunately I was unable to get to sleep and ended up leaving for the clinic early. I got there about 30 minutes before it was supposed to start. When I walked through the door, I was greeted by a shout of "HEY!" from Ron who was onstage doing his request thing. The man is a fucking monster on guitar. Ask him to play something, and he'll figure it out from memory (even if it's just a little of the song) and then fold his arms and say, "What else ya got?" By the end of the Freak-Foot workshop, we were running out of ideas for him to play.
The first night clinic at the Raleigh Music Academy (RMA) was pretty interesting. It was about songwriting and it basically reinforced the way I do things and gave me a few ideas about writing. Ron and Mattias talked for a bit about how they write and answered questions and it was over pretty quick. After it was over I talked to a couple of people and had a brief conversation with Ron about the picture I wanted to take with him. I told him, "I've gotta get another picture with you." He was like, "oh, of course." So I was like, "On one of the other nights when I feel like getting the camera out. I've got a digital camera this time so it'll be good. Also, I'm tired of telling people who you are when I show them the picture from Chattanooga so I made a sign for the picture." He kinda laughed and agreed that would be best. I didn't tell him what the sign said.
On Thursday, I decided to spend my free time exploring Raleigh. I found the Wal-Mart and quickly discovered that Food Lion has the Starbucks Disease as there are Food Lions everywhere. I also found the mall and wasted little time there and wished that I had more money to spend on shit. Again, I got tired of wasting time and left for the RMA early. More request stuff from Ron.
Thursday night's clinic on modes...I didn't get. I don't know shit about anything and most of that stuff went over my head. This clinic was about an hour and a half so it was over at about 9:30. Again there was some talking with people about random stuff for a short bit of time after it was over. I also asked Paul Warren (runs the RMA) if I could pay for the full day of classes on Friday and he figured out the price and let me do it. Awesome. Now was the problem of the money.
So, I noticed myspace cut off the last section of my profile. I guess they reduced the number of characters you can have a while back. Oh well.
Rock the Space