Ahh, where to start, where to start...
Well!... I'm pretty much numb to myself and just about everybody else around me. It's hard to see through the fog when you're in the thick of it, huh. Especially when you're only so far deep and know you've got a hell of a long journey ahead...
I believe every fkn emotion you can experience as a human being is a total waste of effort and time...
Anger vs. Calmness, Love vs. Enmity, Fear vs. Confidence, Shame vs. Shamelessness, Kindness vs. Unkindness, Pity, Indignation, Envy, Emulation... all of it... total waste of effort.
To me, the well-known saying, "It's better to have loved and lost than to have never of loved at all" is such a load of horse-shit if ever I've heard in my entire existance...
How is it better to have experienced something (not only love) and lost it as opposed to have never known it at all??... Tell me this... If you've never experienced it, you're none the wiser and therefore not worried about it. Whereas if you had it and have lost it, you go through the heartache and cravings for it until it eats you away to the point of either 1. Blowing your brains out or 2. Withdrawing into an empty shell of a person while you eat away your soul piece by piece to the point of no return.
By not experiencing it, you realise that it hasn't an iota of fkn worth in making you ever feel like that...
The way I see things can be said through the lyrics of a song written by Corey Taylor, Michael Shawn Crahan, Christopher Michael Fehn, Paul D. Gray, Craig A. Jones, Nathan J. Jordison, James Donald Root, Mickael G. Thomson, Sidney George Wilson -- otherwise known as Slipknot -- called "People = Shit" ... and how true those lyrics are... A few key sentences which explain my view that pretty much sum up everything as an overall with me are as follows...
"Understand that I can't feel anything. It isn't like I wanna sift through the decay. I feel like a wound. Like I got a fkn gun against my head."
"Blood is on my face and my hands and I don't know why. I'm not afraid to cry. But that's none of your business."
"Whose life is it? get it? see it? feel it? eat it? Spin it around so I can spit in its face. I wanna leave without a trace."
"It never stops -- you cant be everything to everyone."
"What do you want from me? They never told me the failure I was meant to be."
"Stop your bitchin' and fight your way through it.
I'm - not - like - you - I - just - fuck - up."
... All this completely backed up by one of the most truest statements ever made...
People = shit!
Yes, I am antisocial and does that really surprise you? How can one choose not to be in such a screwed and fked up existance and place such as this world at this point in time?
If you've actually taken the time to read this far, I guess it wouldn't surprise you that I enjoy studying and researching Serial Killers. I hold The Serial Killer in higher status than all these "normal" fks that walk around like fkn zombified sheep who wear their business suits and ties like good little girls and boys and follow the processing line day in and day out, yet haven't got the guts to fall for their hidden desires , step out of the "norm" and do what they dare the most...
Everyone isn't as sane as what they make out to be. I don't care who you are, how many hours you've spent confessing your sins to a fat, sweaty man wearing priesthood robing -- who's only solution is to say "12 fkn Hail Marys" or how many times you've brought a fkn pidgeon with a broken neck back to life after it's tried to fly through a closed window. Everyone has their taboos and secrets that they play out behind closed doors...
So what's the difference?? ... How sane are we all exactly?? ... And what CAN be classed as clinically sane or insane??...Do we really have the right to judge??
Serial Killers are largely categorised to a growing group of twisted, psychopathic and sick-minded people, yet they too remain completely rationable and functionable creatures to the outside world... They fall victim to their taboo just like the rest of us... A taboo that is intense, yet a total overwhelming relief for that selective individual... They've got guts to do it and I commend them. Instead of going and having a shrink listen to "their problems", they prefer to see the death and dying of another human being to seek that same satisfaction... Drastic, yet just another release of tension handled in their own way...
Does me saying this make me a Serial Killer in the making?... I think not...
Does that make me as "twisted" and "sick" as they are?... Possibly so...
Do I have homocidal tendencies?... hahaha, don't make me laugh!
Control and Defeat are two different things entirely. In the emotional context, both are qualities that each and every one of us possess. No matter how sane you think you are and whether or not we're the killer or the lamb being led to the slaughter...
I often refer to my inner-self as "Lenore -- The Cute Little Dead Girl". For those of you that don't know what I'm talking about, take the time, do a google search and find out... it ain't that hard. For those few of you who think you may have recently seen and experienced "Lenore" first-hand and still come in here to check up on my profile... I have a message for you...
Everyone has a different side of themselves. Everyone has a side that they allow to break forth and come out to play from time to time. Unfortunately my side is as black as the midnight sky, unfortunately you may or may not have experienced it and unfortunately I may have let it carry on a little too far. As dark and as evil as it may seem to you, it is still me regardless... this is also no excuse in some cases... and you know who you are.
Do I know the difference between right and wrong?... Of course I do. Do I hold any animosity towards you?... Of course not. Do I know what I have done?... Indeed.
I know my actions and I know exactly what has been said and done, who exactly is to blame and how some people feel. As bad as we both feel about the situation that played out, it makes no difference in the final outcome. What's done is done.
This might seem all a little cold-hearted and quite frankly those of you that know me understand where my cold-heartedness comes from and why I choose to be like I am. I mean no disrespect on your behalf whatsoever... this is just me. Take it or leave it... the choice is yours.
However you percieve me to be is all that I can offer you at this moment. Whether you hate me, love me, like me, whatever the fk ever... it's all you'll ever know of me from this day forward until things get sorted.
Like I said in an earlier note above, there's no use wasting emotion on a useless cause. There are some things that I wish I could turn back and replay all over again... but what's the point in wishing for it if it's never going to happen? There are many things I'd love to change about my past, but it just won't happen.
So to all the people that feel intense hatred or bitterness towards me... approach the counter, take a number and stand in line. I do care and I do have my regrets... I just don't dwell in it and don't allow those emotions to completely envelope me to the point where I cannot move or speak without feeling them. TOTALLY not worth it...
...I'M not worth it and, quite frankly, NOBODY is...