"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."I love a good mystery in my life. For example... You know when you go to Mexico, you are not supposed to drink the water. But go to a diner here and who is bringing you a water glass?*I have a problem with cell phones. I need the latest and the greatest. Its my cocaine. How do I know? You know you are addicted to technology when you place your internet-enabled smartphone in a plastic ziploc bag and take it into the bath with you..."Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money."*"Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.""I feel sorry for people who don't drink. They wake up in the morning and that's the best they're going to feel all day."
Movies:
Swingers and Office Space are the all time classics for me.Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels Winston: We grow copious amounts of ganja, yah. And you're carrying a wasted girl and a bag of fertilizer. You don't look like your average horti-fucking- culturalist! That's what I mean Willie.40 Year Old Virgin: "Do you have a big trunk? I'm gonna put my bike in it."Old School "True love is hard to find, sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend...""When a naked man is chasing a woman through an alley with a butcher's knife and a hard-on, I figure he isn't out collecting for the Red Cross!" ---Dirty HarryI'm just going to throw this out there. If you don't like it just send it right back. I wanna be on you. Mr. Ron Burgandy"you are a smelly pirate hooker.........Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island?" Ron Burgundy_-_-_-SUPERBAD TIME_-_-_-Fogell: Yo guys! Sup? Seth: Fogell, where have you been, man? You almost gave me a goddamn heart attack. Let me see it. Did you pussy out or what? Fogell: No noooo, man. I got it; it is flawless. Check it! Evan: [examining the fake ID] Hawaii. All right, that's good. That's hard to trace, I guess. Wait... you changed your name to... McLovin? Fogell: Yeah. Evan: McLovin? What kind of a stupid name is that, Fogell? What, are you trying to be an Irish R&B singer? Fogell: Naw, they let you pick any name you want when you get down there. Seth: And you landed on McLovin... Fogell: Yeah. It was between that or Muhammed. Seth: Why the FUCK would it be between THAT or Muhammed? Why don't you just pick a common name like a normal person? Fogell: Muhammed is the most commonly used name on Earth. Read a fucking book for once. Evan: Fogell, have you actually ever met anyone named Muhammed? Fogell: Have YOU actually ever met anyone named McLovin? Seth: No, that's why you picked a dumb fucking name! Fogell: Fuck you. Seth: Gimme that. All right, you look like a future pedophile in this picture, number 1. Number 2: it doesn't even have a first name, it just says "McLovin"! Evan: What? One name? ONE NAME? Who are you? Seal? Seth: Fogell, this ID says that you're 25 years old. Why wouldn't you just put 21, man? Fogell: Seth, Seth, Seth. Listen up, ass-face: every day, hundreds of kids go into the liquor store with fake IDs, and every single one says they're 21. Pssh, how many 21 year olds do you think there are in this town? It's called fucking strategy, all right? Evan: Stay calm, okay? Let's not lose our heads. It's... it's a fine ID; it'll... it's gonna work. It's passable, okay? This isn't terrible. I mean, it's up to you, Fogell. This guy is either gonna think 'Here's another kid with a fake ID' or 'Here's McLovin, a 25 year-old Hawaiian organ donor'. Okay? So what's it gonna be? Fogell: [grinning] ... I am McLovin! Seth: No you're not. No one's McLovin. McLovin's never existed because that's a made up dumb FUCKING FAIRY TALE NAME, YOU FUCK!------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------- [repeated line] Seth: What the fuck?------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------- Fogell: Hey! Seth: Don't tell Fogell about the party, man... Fogell: Gangstaaaaaaaaaaasss... what's up guys?------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------- Evan: Yeah chicks go nuts for that... the male camel toe. Seth: Yea yea! The camel tail.------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------- Seth: Its like a three thing... its like ball, dick, ball. Evan: It's like a division sign... I just wish you would take those off.-------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------ Fogell: Oh oh, I forgot to tell you: my mom said we could have the TV from the basement... Evan: Shut the fuck up, man. He's gonna hear you. Just be quiet; wait until he goes away. Fogell: You still haven't told him that we're rooming together? Evan: Fogell... shut the fuck up. And take off that vest. You look like Aladdin.---------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------- Good Shopper Cashier: How old are you? Seth: ...22. Good Shopper Cashier: [looks skeptical for a second, then smiles] You certainly are! That'll be 80 dollars. Seth: Oh! Okay! [pulls money out of his sleeve] Seth: Pssha! Thank you kindly! Will that do? Good Shopper Cashier: [examines the bill: a crisp 80 dollar bill] It most certainly will! Thank you, Seth! Seth: Hey, thank YOU! [double high-fives cashier]---------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------- Fogell: I have a boner!------------------------------------------------------ -------------------------- [from trailer] Officer Slater: [talking to Fogell with Officer Michaels in the liquor store after a robbery] May we see your identification? [Fogell uneasily hands over his fake ID] Officer Slater: McLovin? [Fogell is really nervous] Officer Slater: [pauses] That's a cool name. Fogell: [amazed that his fake ID worked] Wha... wha... Officer Slater: Yeah, people have weird names nowadays. Once I pulled arrested this man-lady, and his legal first name was "Fuck". Officer Michaels: He was Vietnamese, so it was spelled "Ph," but still that's pretty jarring to see on a drivers license.---------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------- Seth: [to Becca] I had such bad acne last year that I've pretty much become an expert on the stuff... [to Evan] Seth: You drove m - [to Becca] Seth: Evan drove me here though, so... Jules: Well, so, I mean, I have my dad's car... so I could just give you a lift... and Evan can take Becca home. If that works... I dunno. Becca: It'd be fine with me. Evan: Fine, yeah. Maybe we could get some food. Becca: Yeah, I'd like that. Seth: [to Evan] So, I guess I'll call you. Evan: Yeah, gimme a call. You have my number. Seth: I have your information. So, uh, put her there... [they shake hands] Evan: Good. Alright man. Seth: Okay. Evan: Okay guys. Seth: Becca. Jules: Bye guys. See ya tomorrow. Becca: See ya Jules. [Jules and Seth go off leaving Evan and Becca]------------------------------------------------------ -------------------------- Evan: You could always subscribe to a site like Perfect Ten. I mean that could be anything, it could be a bowling site. Seth: Yeah, but it doesn't actually show dick going in which is a huge concern. Evan: Right, I didn't realize that. Seth: Besides, have you ever seen a vagina by itself? Evan: No. Seth: [shakes his head] Not for me.--------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------- Becca: Your cock is so smooth! Evan: Your's would be too... if you were a man.-------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------ Evan: I'm not too worried about it, really. I wouldn't worry about it. Don't worry about it. I'm not worried at all.-------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------ Evan: I'd give my middle nut to start dating Becca.------------------------------------------------------ -------------------------- Officer Michaels: Yeah McLovin, how is it going with the ladies? Fogell: It's not the "going" I'm worried about... but the "coming".--------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------- Officer Slater: McLovin? Were you violating that young girl? Were you violating her with you penis?------------------------------------------------------ -------------------------- Officer Michaels: Ah, McLovin, McLovin, McLovin, McLovin.---------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------- Seth: I just wanna go to the rooftops and scream, "I love my best friend, Evan."------------------------------------------------------ -------------------------- Seth: You know when you hear girls say 'Ah man, I was so shit-faced last night, I shouldn't have fucked that guy?' We could be that mistake!---------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------- Evan: It's not just making them smaller. They completely reshaped them. They make them more supple, symmetrical. Seth: I gotta catch a glimpse of these warlocks. Let's make a move. [they run]-------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------ Becca: I'm so wet right now. Evan: Yeah... they said that would happen in Health Class.------------------------------------------------------ -------------------------- Officer Michaels: [hears a siren] Oh shit, the cops!------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------- Evan: It's like a division sign.------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------- Evan: I heard she got breast reduction surgery. Seth: What? That's like slapping God across the face for giving you a beautiful gift. Evan: She had back problems, man.-------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------ Seth: Oh my God! That's the coolest fucking story I've ever heard in my life! Can you tell it again, do you have time?------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------- Fogell: Can we shoot at it? Officer Slater: I don't know... [pause] Officer Slater: Can you?-------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------ Officer Slater: I arrested a man-lady who was legally named Phuck.------------------------------------------------------ -------------------------- Officer Michaels: I'm assuming you all have guns and crack!------------------------------------------------------ -------------------------- [fantasizing about stealing liquor] Seth: You dropped your purse, ma'am. Would you like me to help you with your shopping? Old Lady: That would be lovely! Do you want me to buy you alcohol? Seth: That would be lovely! [at the cash register, after buying alcohol] Seth: Enjoy your remaining years! Old Lady: Enjoy fucking Jules! Seth: I will!------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------- Fogell: [shoots at burning police cruiser] Break yourself, foo!-------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------ Seth: [imitating Becca] Oh Evan, thank you for bringing that lube for my pussy. I never would've been able to handle your four inch dick inside my pussy without that gigantic bottle of lube.------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------- Seth: I'll be like the Iron Chef of pounding Vag.-------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------ Fogell: [as Seth comes out of the liquor store] Where did you hide the alcohol Danny Ocean, up your butt?------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------- Seth: You don't want girls to think you suck dick at fucking pussy.------------------------------------------------------ -------------------------- Officer Slater: I'm sorry that I blocked your cock...----------------------------------------------------- --------------------------- Seth: I joined this class because I thought I was going to be cooking with a partner. But she's never here, and I don't get twice the grades for doing all the work. Teacher: I didn't invent odd numbers, Seth. Seth: I know, but look at Evan. Just look at him. Evan: [His partner is tying on his apron] Hey, don't keep me waiting much longer, I'm getting impatient up here. Seth: I'm over here in my unit, isolated and alone, eating my terrible tasting food, and I have to look over at that. That looks like the most fun I've ever seen in my entire life, and it's B.S. - excuse my language. I'm just saying that I wash and dry; I'm like a single mother. Look, we all know home-ec is a joke - no offense - it's just that everyone takes this class to get an A, and it's bullshit - and I'm sorry. I'm not putting down your profession, but it's just the way I feel. I don't want to sit here, all by myself, cooking this shitty food - no offense - and I just think that I don't need to cook tiramisu. Am I going to be a chef? No. There's three weeks left of school, give me a fuckin' break! I'm sorry for cursing. Teacher: All right, Jules' partner isn't here either, pair up with her, station four. Seth: Jules? Alright I'll give it another shot - give home-ec another shot.------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------- Jules: You scratch our backs, we'll scratch yours. Seth: Well Jules, the funny thing about my back is that it's located on my cock.------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------- Seth: [gets hit by a car] What the fuck happened?--------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------- Evan: Calm down, calm down. She likes you. She wants to suck on your penis. That's a good thing. It's the best.------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------- Officer Slater: [singing] PANAMA!----------------------------------------------------- --------------------------- Becca: I am gonna give you the best blow J. With my mouth.------------------------------------------------------ -------------------------- Officer Slater: Hey kid, what's your real name? Fogell: Fogell... it's Fogell. Officer Michaels: Fogell? Fuck that, we're calling you McLovin!---------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------- Seth: Dude! That means that by some fate we were paired together and she thought of me. Thought of me enough to want me to be responsible for the entire funness of her party! She wants to fuck me! She wants my dick in and around her mouth!------------------------------------------------------ -------------------------- Seth: Yeah, but it doesn't actually show dick going in which is a huge concern. Evan: I didn't realize that.------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------- Fogell: What's it like to have a gun? Officer Michaels: It's like having two cocks. If one of your cocks could kill someone.---------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------- Seth: You know how many foods are shaped like dicks? The best kinds.------------------------------------------------------ -------------------------- Good Shopper Security: Don't do it, kid. Seth: I never had a choice...--------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------- Seth: Nobody has gotten a B.J. in cargo shorts since 'nam!------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------- Officer Michaels: Prepare to be fucked by the long dick of the law!-------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------ Seth: Hey Greg, why don't you go piss your pants? Greg the Soccer Player: [turning around] That was like 8 years ago! Seth: [yelling] People don't forget!----------------------------------------------------- --------------------------- Evan: Same-sies.-------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------ Liquor Store Clerk: [talking about the spilled pile or beer cans] Sir, did you drop these? Fogell: Uh, uh, no. No I didn't. You should clean these up, someone could seriously get hurt. [walks away] Liquor Store Clerk: [looks down] Fuck my life.------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------- Seth: I drew dicks. Evan: Like a man dick? Seth: Yes, like a man dick. Evan: That's supergay.--------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------- Evan: Good shit, right Miroki?----------------------------------------------------- --------------------------- [from trailer] Seth: [referring to Evan's mother] I am truly jealous you got to suck on those tits when you were a baby. Evan: Yeah, well, at least you got to suck on your dad's dick.------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------- Seth: Look at those nipples. Evan: They're like little baby toes. It's just not fair that they get to flaunt that stuff, you know... and like, I have to hide every erection I get. Evan: Just imagine if girls weren't weirded out by our boners and stuff, and just like wanted to see them. That's the world I one day want to live in.--------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------- Officer Slater: Ethnically, was he like uh... uh... African? Mindy: Was he African? No, he was like you. Officer Michaels: He's Jewish... so we have an African Jew wearing a hoodie.----------------------------------------------------- --------------------------- [from trailer] Officer Michaels: McLovin? Fogell: Yeah. Officer Michaels: Great name. Officer Slater: It is, it just rolls of the tongue. Officer Michaels: 'Sounds like a sexy hamburger!-------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------ Officer Michaels: You just cock-blocked McLovin!---------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------- Seth: Momma's making a pubie salad, and she wants some Seth's own dressing.--------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------- [as Fogell is getting "arrested"] Party Teenager #1: Holy shit! Fogell's a badass!----------------------------------------------------- --------------------------- Officer Slater: [pointing gun at Evan and Seth] Spread your shit! Get on the ground! Loaded gun! Ready to go! Spread your shit! Pussies on the pavement fellas.----------------------------------------------------- --------------------------- Fogell: Hell yeah we should get some road beers!------------------------------------------------------ -------------------------- Evan: Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, It was so pimp, I even offered to pay for the alcohol. Seth: Oh no, that IS pimp. Evan: That's what I was afraid of.--------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------- Seth: He is the sweetest guy. Have you ever looked into his eyes? It was like the first time I heard the Beatles.---------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------- Officer Michaels: [out of breath] He's a freak... [panting] Officer Michaels: He's the fastest kid alive...---------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------- Seth: [looks at the line to the bathroom] What is this, a line? Shirley: Uh, yeah, whats it look like? [laughs with her friends] Seth: [sarcastically] Oh, yeah, fuck me, right?------------------------------------------------------ -------------------------- Seth: Alright, let's stop this and just go get some dessert. Evan: No, I can't. I gotta... go meet my counselor, I'm picking out my classes for next year. Seth: ...what? So I gotta sit here and eat my dessert alone like I'm fuckin' Steven Glansberg? [points at Glansberg] Evan: I guess... yeah... I mean, what do you want me to do?
