Hillel - ProfilesArchive

About Me

Before I go on this tangent on how to "be" - I'd like to say this. All of my life I've wondered who I was. I've always wondered why I have so many mental restrictions in regards to the actions I really want to perform. For example, I used to love skateboarding. Then for some odd reason, after all of those years without health insurance I told myself that it was too dangerous and I could no longer skateboard. I put this layer, upon many other layers I'm sure, to accomodate my "good feelings" for whatever that "me" wanted. That is not what the "real me" wanted though... I just decided to feel safe by abiding by the norm. But truthfully, I want to do what I want to do. I'm sick of this programmed mental condition that is imposed by society. Society deems this to be unsafe, so if I go against the grain then I am being unsafe. I want to skateboard so I will skateboard. I want to write so I will write. I want to sing so I will sing. I don't care if you don't like my voice and I don't care if I'm not following your norm, your code, your standard, your expectation, your reservation. I want to make noise and beat rhythms of sweet percussion. Listen, I am different and I love being different. I love being crazy and a tad eccentric. There's a lot of genuine purity that comes from those crazy actions. My life can be one elegant moment that goes on and on until it stops. Everything that I do can be beautiful. I want to scream sometimes and just let it all out. I want you all to know that I don't have any of the answers but I am learning to be content with my place in the universe. What's wrong with surrendering yourself to infinite grandeur? allknowing but not knowing? everything but nothing? this but that? What about this - I'm nobody. I'm nothing. When it comes down to it, I don't have any form. My body is here, changing by the second, aging by the second, growing hair in places that I don't want by the second. Currently, I'm in the process of obliterating, or at least sedating my ego to the point of it not being a true part of my life. Who I am is just the accumulation of thoughts... pure thoughts, impure thoughts, confused and misperceived ideas. I am that, and nothing more... and the time that passes never existed in the first place. It's just one huge moment where you can either decide to be really there, or just totally distraught by all of the "problems" that you consider to be of greater importance than enjoying the now. Even the shittiest parts of life have to be enjoyed, because they in fact are challenges that help you use your philosophies, ideas, belief systems. In fact, we've all been under the impression that there's permanence, stability, and something really nice and happy at the end of the road... but the real truth is that there's impermanence, things change, and you die rather soon. So I really think one ought to cultivate a better understanding of how it is, especially since chaos will always be there. Since chaos will always be there, there's no need in consciously seeking it out. Condition yourself daily, realize that there's dire need in uprooting one's neurotic patterns and hidden emotional pasts. Whether we're real, or not real... or whether we can even get the essence of any truth through words... we gotta show people the love. True love through patience, tolerance, and compassion. Help yourself and while helping yourself help others.

My Interests

Clarity, peace within, the attainment of Buddhaness, non-referencial-judgmental state, meditation, people, their distortions, their happiness, their suffering, abilities to change the world, growth, growth, the universe and all those atoms.

I'd like to meet:

Everyone. Anyone who has a different side or a different story. I want to meet really beautiful (inside and out) women who know how to have a good time. I'm a male, turning 22 years old, who mentally restricts himself by putting all way too much emphasis on sexual intimacy, sexuality, and a mere touch. I want beauty to be beauty, nothing less and nothing more. No prejudgments, no discernments, no labeling, no branding. Emotions can fly like sparks but they can be contained within the experience that two share together. I don't know what I want, but I don't want to be a celibate monk. I don't want to impose this fake dogma upon myself, that I have to wait for the "right" person at the "right" moment. (Like I can really pick who I'm falling in love with like a needle in a haystack - right.) The truth is, we all have needs. And we need these needs to be met. In doing so, we have to be honest about what we want and how we want to go about getting it. We have to be genuinely, purely, 110% honest about who we are, what we want, and how we want to go about it respectfully and lovingly. I'll be honest, I'm a horny 22 year old trying to realize that there shouldn't be so much importance thrown on sexual intimacy because it's necessary that we just do it. There are a lot of restrictions that I mentally layer over and over again, but honestly I'm sick of it. I want to be me, and I'm figuring out what that is. So, yeah, who would I like to meet? I would like to meet beautiful women who can be as honest and upfront with me as I am with them. I'd like to meet intellectuals, philosophers, lovers of life, craftspeople, skilled lyricists, soberheads, people who have points of view that aren't necessarily bombarded by the norms, restrictions, and guidelines that everyone needs to follow in order to feel safe, secure, and warm in their place in society. I love life, but find the time and space to be real to yourself and everyone around here. Otherwise you're more of a walking contradiction than you already are. Seek refuge in something that transcends ritualistic, daily, stressful, existence.

Television:

I don't have TV anymore.

Books:

They're good to read.

Heroes:

Chogyam Trungpa

My Blog

I trudge through subtle aggression.

"Hey Hill - nice hair...", D remarks. "Thanks D." I respond. "Can you fit anything else in your mouth? Want to bend over for me?" D smiles grinningly. He had been harassing me for years.&...
Posted by Hillel on Sun, 25 Mar 2007 06:22:00 PST

Wake up to

When waking up there's always a struggle, especially if it's in the winter. There is no furnace to heat the house sufficiently or efficiently. We have a beautiful soap-stone stove tha...
Posted by Hillel on Sun, 18 Mar 2007 02:58:00 PST

Crazy ass wisdom is what I want, you?

Everyday the dynamics are here, there and everywhere. I work for a tea company doing tea tastings in a retail store. The job is grand. What's even better is that I work in an environ...
Posted by Hillel on Tue, 20 Feb 2007 08:40:00 PST

People are in pain.

I know that people are in pain. I'm aware that I'm even in pain. Everyday I become more and more aware of the suffering that I go through. The negative neurotic emotional patte...
Posted by Hillel on Sun, 24 Dec 2006 07:30:00 PST