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THE 'MALE' BAG
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HI, LOUIS!
-Hello, I’m Louis. Strip down and let’s have a play date.
Despite what some of you think, I AM a real [thatmeansnotfake] person. Barely. My life is not entirely myspace... I make an effort to know all my friends intimately – I also make it an effort to know them well.
My sensational exploits (and my 25-inch waist that made me so popular the world over) have led me to meet so many wonderful, amazing people. But I don’t get everything handed to me. I’ve gotten where I am on my own, and always will.
It’s been said that I’m a man of many skills – some of which are outlawed in several states. I have many of my dreams realized. Some of them are dry dreams – in the air and on mountaintops – and some of them are wet.
It just tickles me [in inappropriate places] that some people think I’m a 'manipulative fuck face' or jackass of all trades. I don’t unite the struggle to overthrow the system because there’s no law against it. I’m do not aim to be an openly "evil" individual threatening dead bodies or eating part of a loved one, nor have I ever violated the Chinese security apparatus. Sure, I’ve unleashed chaos on a much smaller scale, by joining extremist groups and out-extreming them or by playing traffic Russian Roulette. Hell, I’ve even fired my bank for the sake of it. But please, when YOU have problems I’m not the sacrificial virgin to take out YOUR anger on. I don't want to make myself sound like a painted woman, but to put it as delicately as possible, I'm ill-equipped for the role.
My mother always said children should be seen, not heard. Actually, she said they shouldn’t be seen either. So, keep in mind that I wholly reserve the right to dismember, execute, burn, decimate, delete or otherwise remove users at any time, and would like to remind everyone that this is [MY] space and not yours... So, if you think I’m an attention whore, fag, or twisted anorectic, deal with it, because unlike you [xeroxed] carbon copies, I can actually think for myself – and more people need to be that way.
Love subdues all things. Either win or perish. We like to massacre others. Choose your motto and live by it – rise up and use your ability to think for YOURSELF and not just agree or advocate what others say because you think it will put you on some pedestal among those watching. Embrace change for the sake of it. More than likely, someone is more likely to remember you for giving an impractical gift of a fully armed nuclear submarine than for repeating a philosophical worldview for the billionth time. Change is life and it’s all around you. The prose of routine stands defeated by the poetry of revolution… and that’s a fact.
I know you think that health advice shouldn’t come from someone who is dreadfully underweight, but people have an obligation to take care of themselves. Some people’s skin is in need of moisturizer so badly and their hides are so leathery that in a dark bar, I would have mistaken them for some aging, overtanned actor. Unfortunately, people have lost the talent of communication as well. Outside of e-mails, text messages, instant messages, and sidekicks it seems like people have never encountered the English language. It’s almost like being back in Los Angeles.
I absolutely hate to be confined to stewing at home (I’m not much of a cook). But I don’t always go looking for adventure. Though I’ll never say no to some action, adventure always seems to have a way of finding me. Some days though, I need a break to relax, put up my legs, and take in the rest of the world.
Ultimately, one can never fully wrap their minds [or legs for that matter] around who I really am. If you happen to meet with me in person, I’m a warped assortment of vintage orgasm, terrorism, the Virgin Mary, the apocalypse and sheer anarchy, all conveniently packaged in the same handsome body with a plastic weave to die for. I’m the perfect friend for the perfect person, though imperfect people will also benefit hugely from my life-enhancing presence. Always [constantly] warping the fabric of reality wherever I go…
Louis, you taught me the meaning of life. But I forgot to write it down.
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