Lighting my arm hair on fire and smelling it. Urinating in the pool with someone swimming in the next lane. Scratching my balls and smelling them while I'm in traffic. Screaming at deaf people about whatever I want while I have a big goofy smile on my face. Watching people slip on the ice and laughing on the inside. Screening phone calls. Calling people over and over again until they answer and then hanging up on them. Giving out phone numbers of friends to guys who want sex from off the internet. Fuckin with old people. Giving children candy with laxatives in them. Oh and of course posting annoying videos on people's myspace pages!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
sirloin, sausage, pork, bologna, tuna, beef patties, goat, rat, dog, cat....oh shit you meant M-E-E-T not M-E-A-T! I would love to meet some people right now. I want to meet the creator of fast food and beat him to death with my cellulite thighs. I want to meet the inventor of the TV and beat him with my cellulite ass. I want to meet the creator of small clothing and tuck him into my severely tight shirt and drown him in my cellulite. I want to meet the creator of alcohol and beat him to death with my cellulite liver. I want to meet the creator of bras for mean and give him a furry cellulite boob hug...until he dies. OK enough cellulite jokes. I wanna meet anyone else who has a hunger for humor and pisses off the general intellectually inferior population. I also want to meet people who are into freaky fetishes and take them to Cracker Barrel for a meatloaf dinner.
I play my own god damn music. I fart probably 16 times a day and not take credit for them. The trick is to get around a large group of people that are moving around quickly. Now, you let it leak out slowly (the bigger the ass the slower the leak because the butt cheeks will flap if you have more area for the fart to go out of.) You can increase the leak depending on noise level. Now, you can gauge how stinky it will be by how warm it feels coming out of your anus. If you have a red hot coming...that means you need to exit the scene as quickly as possible and walk for about 100 steps to decrease the fart following rate. Farts will attach themselves at your heels so never stop in a group. Look like you have something on your mind other than farting. If someone asks "who farted" look concerned but not overly concerned. Don't make eye contact. Say things like "it's been smelling like that a lot around this area" and "I think it might be a sewage drain". If you are ever caught then abort mission and just start crying...thank you.
I have a home movie of myself as a child where I inhale helium from a balloon and act like the hunch back of notre dame. My brothers once filmed a movie that was a total spin off of Nightmare on Elm Street accept instead of freddy krueger my fat brother dressed up in a tiki mask and grass skirt with his man boobs showing while screaming at my brother who is bound and gagged on a ping pong table. Then the next scene showed my brother with ketchup all over his chest in a lovely swirl and you could totally fuckin see him breathing. Oh, the credits where written on fuckin cardboard and moved ever so slowly upwards like regular end credits. Loves it whore...
I fuckin hate my TV. It's a piece of shit that makes everything look dim on it. I swear one day I'm gonna change the channel and the bitch is gonna explode. I need one of them HDTVDLKALKF things....the flat screens that make it so realistic you can see a herpie on someone's upper lip. Not that herpies ever happen on the upper lip (Dad). Shoot, I'm gonna check this out at Best Buy. They have all the best stuff...even fridges and shit. They need computers hooked up to washing machines so you can sit on them and have the vibrations help you out while you look at the porno. Watch out for that rinse cycle baby!
So, I'm right now reading "The Leatherman's Handbook". This shit is awesome cause it talks about leather daddies and boys back in the 70's. I haven't read much but damn you had to be on your game for this shit. And you actually did need a handbook so you could learn on the signals like wearin stuff on the left means you're a top but if you were experienced you would lie and say you were a bottom so that only people who knew you wouldnt know what you were and you had to look out for cops but I thought the cops were gay and you drive separate cars to hidden rooms to screw in and sometimes no one would cum and Delta Burk showed up with the Quacker Oats guy....no wonder why nobody wanted to be gay back then because every time you wanted to have sex it was like taking your SATs all over again.
Ok I hate this show. Accept for the cheerleader who couldn't get hurt and healed crazy fast. I mean shoot you know I'd be walkin around talkin shit sayin whatever the hell I wanted to. People would try to shoot me or run me over and I'd just sit there laughin my ass off as my bones reformed. Id do crazy shit like shove M80's up my ass and do cannon balls off of bridges into on-coming traffic. I would purposely not wear my seat belt. I would light myself on fire and run into a church screaming "THE END IS HERE THE HELL FIRE HAS GOT ME OH LORD!" I would go fuck up someone's appetite at the buffet by stabbin myself with various sharp objects and callin myself the human pin cushion. OK...that about wraps it up thanks for reading bitches!