Sonia

the story of a girl.i want the wisdom to know what i really want and the strength to make it happen. i have a million dreams but i never get any closer. its my fault i know, but why is it so hard do get rid of bad habits? but who knows what they want to become when they are 17? all i know is what i dont want to be. i dont want to stay here all my life, not knowing what excitement really is. to regret the things i didnt do instead of all the crazy things i did. i want to see the world. i want to be able to sit there in my rocking chair and tell my grandchildren that this girl she has lived. i want to tell them i swam the seven seas without them looking into my eyes and seeing i lied. i want to hear the sound of the ocean in my shoes. i want to be remembered, in some way. why be ordinary when you can have so much more fun being weird. i keep putting up these goals for myself but i always end up pushing them further away. so maybe they arent that important. but what is important in my life right now? i cant even anwser that. when i think about it, at this very moment my life doesnt have a meaning. so please star, please let me break away. the thing is, i know i could be so much more. i just want to be as cute, confident and carefree as i was when i was 11. sometimes things are too hard, and it feels like im not good at anything. but when i think about it, im the best at being me. i just want to get to what matters, but there is too much in the way. im afraid of the future, because all around me i see messed up people, what says i wont be like that? the will i do not have? i want to find my life long partner in my best friend, and i want him to extend my life by laughter. i want to be able to understand what im writing right now. my biggest problem is that i never do what i have to do. sometimes you have to do things that are not that much fun just so you get closer to the goal, which in the end probably makes up for all the bad times you had achieving it. well, next year im going to australia, and after that somewhere else. i hope the awnsers are there. you know what? im just writing this down so ill remember it myself. reminding me that im such a fucked up version of me. bleh. i have to clean my room now. thats the awnser for my problems. nam nam nam.