"but how bout that jessi? eh eh? if she were any cooler she'd be frozen."
-"I'm scared!"
'Why?'
"I'm scared of Jesus!"
'Why are you scared of Jesus?'
"He's got no shirt and he's got owies all over!"
'You're right, let's get the fuck out of here.'
-"My face just got attacked by a moth."
-"Oh my gosh, my vagina's gonna get hurt! :O"
-"I got ran over, and there was a tire track across my head!"
-"Wait, Jesus was here today?!"
-"That's the hottest Edgar I've seen since Poe!"
-"Have fun, girls! Don't get shot."
-"You know what I think McCain looks like?
'What?'
"He looks like a chipmunk, with his cheeks all puffed out like that. :3"
'Oh, yeah. One time, I saw his campaign bus driving down the highway, pulling a boat, and he was way inside the boat.'
"Haha. That's like: -pretends to drive- All right, kids, let's get ready to bring our new chipmunk home!"
-"Look, Obama! I have cucumbers!"
-"Dammit, I didn't get to call Bush a retard to his face. O:"
-"With my boobs and your butt, we'd make a pretty hot chick!"
-"Damn, that girl is fine!"
-"The paparazzi have calmed down since Britney started wearing clothes and Lindsay went gay."
-"Come on, ladies. You've both had more work than the city of Beijing in preparation for the Olympics."
-"The state of Texas is much hotter than Ashlee Simpson."
-"Leavage the cleavage alone!"
-"Women dealon emotion. I mean, I'd be crying one day and yelling at somebody the next."
'That's not because you're a woman, Brooke. That's because you're on steriods!'
-"It's British and it's awesome."
-"He tasted like a summer breeze. He's very meaty!"
-"Why toilet seats? Because Shia and his friend decorate them."
-"Controvershy...controversy?"
-"Governor Huckabee, eat your heart out."
-"Now that's what I call a boxed lunch!"
-"It's okay. She's used to being humiliated on TV."
'Suck it, Jeff.'
-"On July thirtieth, two-thousand and eight, Pamela Anderson becaje self-aware."
-"Yeah, it must suck having to wear clothes to get paid."
-"Hey, he made her body magically appear between her neck and legs!"
-"And your ass looks amazing, I promise."
-"Would Dorian Gray be interested in a five-bedroom villa in Malibu? Does he want me to rip him the latest Bright Eyes CD?"
'Ohmygosh, did Joel McHale just make an emo reference? o_o'
-"Today's secret ingrediant...CURRY!"
'Good morning, good morning, everbody in the news this morning, good morning.'
-"HANNAH MONTANA'S DEAD!"
-"We have nothing but time and a guy in a bikini, and we usually just talk about skanks and stuff."
-"You've seen Cindy McCain's hair, right? It's, like, stuck to her face."
-"I just gave a health tip to a dead guy."
-"I will shoot you in the face!"
-"Bob's so gay that his butt is no longer a hole, but a smile. :]"
-"It smells like smoke out here. Why can't we swim in the pool?"
-"Whoops, touched your boob."
-"No swimming in the pool, guys!"
-"I mean, my grandpa! He's very obese."
-"I wouldn't want to be a gay guy because I don't want anything going up my butt."
-"Sex on a table is cool. Getting hot macaroni cheese on your penis is not cool, just not cool!"
-"Okay, so FOB doesn't just stand for Fall Out Boy anymore, but for Friends of Bill, Clinton. So everybody in Fall Out Boy is a confidante of the greatest womanising President...ever."
-"If John McCain has sex with an intern, it won't be a scandal-- it'll be a miracle."
-"Is it really so impossible to wear clothes, Jacob?"
-"I punch people in the butthole because it's never been done before."
-"Have you ever thought of renaming Pieces of Me to Pieces of Shit?"
-"I support the gays!"
-"I say we ask Canada."
-"Harumbi...olé!"
-"I'll trip on that. Don't laugh when I do."
'I will. I'll point and laugh.'
-"What's that in your bag? TERRORIST!"
-"Did you just get stabbed?
'Yeah.'
"Why aren't you dead yet?"
-"If you buy this doll...you like evil."
-"Shoes, pants, take it all off! When you come in my class, you take a naked quiz!"
-"I like chocolate, yes I do! I like chocolate--DON'T TOUCH IT!"
-"How big are Alaskan crabs?"
-"He's a professional coffee-can roller.
-"♪E=mc vagina♪."
-"I'm gonna trust him, he's smarter than you. He enjoys this crap."
-"You know what I laughed at? A cup blew off the table."
-"I'm a hobosexual."
-"I was that pain in my mother's ass. Literally. A pain in her vagina."
-"Who calls their parliament roundheads? What a great name!"
-"Aww, they're all friends. Yay! ...that sounded really gay."
-"I don't want a strip show. I just wanna bang him!"
-"Fear me and my parallel arms!"
-"I'm not a bartender. I'm a creator of cocktails. I'm a chef for alcoholics!"
-"I wanna stab you, you're so gorgeous."
-"I looked at first hour's, and when I got to your hour's, I needed a therapy session, I was crying so bad."
-"They asked if you were famous."
'I am. I am in my mind.'
-"♪Know somethin'.♪ I got a range. I got a range like no mothafuckah knows. Come to think of it, I'm gonna make him bald, and make him, and make him sweat acid. And I think I'm gonna give him weird bladder problems and romantic problems. Y'know what? The whole thing! I already said that fuckin' thing, you missed it. Where were you on that one, O'Keefe? Eyes on the prize. Focus! Don't just look at her ass, eat it. ♪My badge, my wit--♪ oh, sh... Aaah! Whoa, shh--! ♪Calm before the storm,♪ fuck it. Meow, meow. ♪Whoa!♪ Nope. Brahh! Brahh! Boo. What's so funny about it? I don't get it. You mean, you've never heard of the Lame Falcon. It's the ship that made the castle run, and, on the twelve parsects. Hey, it's your mother's soul. Boom! Get her to so' dat."
-"Wouldn't it just be the greatest scandal if John McCain and Sarah Palin had sex together, like, right now, and then she got pregnant, and then she and her daughter had their babies at the same time? SWEET!"
-"Then let's dance and do the polka."
'Do the polka then!'
"I don't like the polka!"
-"It was a condom, that's what it was."
-"They were more than heroes. They were ugly. Very, very ugly."
-"Your mustache is beautiful!"
-"OHHHH-- what?"
-"Did he say peace out?"
'Either that, or pee spot.'
-"Are you wearing a polo for polo?"
'Yeah.'
"Ohmygosh, that's funny!"
-"Haha, I got distracted by the candy!"
-"Why are they giving Palin a gun? What if she goes all Dick Cheney on us?"
-"I passed someone on the street today, and he said hello. I wonder what he meant."
'Um. o_o Maybe hi?'
-"Check it out, Phil Collins!"
-"The French love...tits."
-"Where are the wieners at?"
-"You can't stop smiling. It's like your face is broken!"
-"Yes, I have a-- dammit."
-"BATTERY!!"
-"You're a giant penis!"
-"I just stabbed myself in the face."
-"Ick lick badick?"
'No thanks, I don't know where it's been.'
-"Insanity loves company."
'I thought it was misery.'
"Insanity loves it more."
'Wow. I think insanity needs to stop being such a social whore and get over herself.'
-"I stole cars, I ran from the cops! ...If someone walked in right now, they'd be like, What is she talking about?"
-"If I were on ice right now--"
'You'd fall on your face!'
-"My name is Rock Lee, and I am not a vegetable!"
-"She has a penis! She smells like tuna! I wanna do her!"
-"If you had your syphilis cured, and your partner has it, you can pass it back and forth like a ping pong ball."
'Ew!'
"I just ruined ping pong for you, didn't I?"
'Yeah. Now when we play ping pong, we're gonna be like, ew, this is gross!'
-"I'm bored. Let's go overthrow a government."
-"It's time for puberty!"
-"Just imagine sperm with a Rockstar."
-"How does it feel to have your intelligence insulted so early in the morning?"
-"So yeah, I think I almost broke my finger masturbating last night."
-"Where'd the Mexican go?"
-"Can lions get raped?"
-"Ten points to Obama for using the word orgy in a presidentia debate."
-"My name is John McCain, and--you kids get off my porch!"
-"McCain sang songs about bombing Iran? What a true leader."
-"Let's get a bunch of bullies and go beat up Iran, eh, John?"
-"Haha, McCain is so funny. His jokes are just like my grandpa's!"
-"I wish Obama would just pound McCain's face in."
-"Someone get a fire estinguisher, my penis exploded!"
-"John McCain's seventy-two? That's how old my grandma is!"
'He could be your grandma!'
-"I have a house, a car. I have AIDS."
-"I hope he doesn't murder you."
'I hope so too.'
-"I've got a face full of cancer."
-"My toe hurts?"
-"Who's the father?
'She found him in a dumpster.'
"Wait, the baby or the father?"
-"I have a mangina!"
-"You know what the should do a study on? How women have gotten hotter over the years."
-"I love failure!"
-"Oh yeah, here you go. Watch that."
-"Opposite magnetic forces are FUN!"
-"You can put a little frosting on your tips."
'...what? Oh, I thought you said something else.'
-"Are they angry?"
'They are angry.'
-"When I'm gay enough, I'll let you know."<
-"I know your mom's phone number!"
-"So now we know to blame Britain on AIDS."
-"Here kids, go have fun with AIDS!"
-"Every time Sarah Palin winks, six kittens are killed."
-"I want Sarah Palin to make me cookies and tell me I can be a maverick too someday!"
-"Palin! She's adorable! She'd make a great housewife."
-"I laughed so hard when Palin said McCain tapped her."
-"Can we bring Tina Fey on? She makes a better Palin than Palin."
-"Everyone was looking at my ass...which was okay."
-"I'm Irish pimpin', bitch."
-"This school sucks a lot of penis."
-"Go, wham! Right in the nut-sace."
-"What day is it? Is it Saturday?"
'No, it's Sunday. You missed Homecoming.'
-"I'm not sure. I'm HIV positive."
-"Solutions are not the answer."
-"This isn't funny, AIDS isn't funny, dying isn't funny, so shut the fuck up!"
-"Stupid misguided youth!"
-"Burr versus Hamilton, whoa..."
-"I wanna know why all the videos we have to watch in sex ed classes are from the eighties."
-"Your mom is an Asian...bisexual...transvestite!"
-"Man, I hope McCain gets mavericky tonight."
-"Is McCain still acting like he just rode in on a white horse to save the economy from certain doom?"
-"First candidate to gleek on the audience loses the election."
-"McCain's financial bailout policy: Screw foreigners! We're going this alone!"
-"I wanna hear McCain say 'trust me'."
-"Obama sees your Reagan, McCain, and raises you a JFK."
-"McCain is about as appealing as a hot bag of dog farts."
-"I'm getting sick of McCain's continual hedging. At least Obama doesn't put you to sleep as he gets to the point."
-"McCain = Captain Tai from Battlestar Galactica."
-"'High on the hog'-- another jab at Palin?"
-"Tom Brokaw's winning the debate so far."
-"I would pay anything to see Obama start belly-laughing as Oldie McGee jabbers on."
-"Is there a maverick in the house?"
-"McCain is like listening to your grandpa explain how to use a VCR."
-"If he wasn't on that area, I'd touch him."
-"Underwear, it's a goddamn leash. It just reminds me of how funny I look naked."
-"Tell me, what does this have to do with what we've been talking about the last two days?"
'I have NO idea!'
-"That's not cellulite on her thights. It's the screaming faces of the lost."
-"Hey, ABC, if she gets kicked off the show...McDreamy dies."
-"Leave no child behind. Unless you want to."
-"Because 'Magic's Biggest Secrets Finally Revealed' finally reveals magic's biggest secrets."
-"Beau is getting ready to marry his sister. I am not kidding."
-"Well, when she was pregnant with me, she thought it was a tapeworm."
'That's a weird kind of false labour.'
-"According to my television, it's called 'Korean Drama'. It's a Korean drama."
-"I always hold hands before I kick some ass."
-"So remember kids, when someone tickles your tummy so your wee-wee will move, pee in their face!"
-"I can't see anybody in this video! Everybody's camoflaged! I don't even know what I'm watching!"
-"I wanted my bag piper!"
-"Freak."
'You're a freak.'
"You're a towel."
'Your face is a towel, your butt is a freak, and your sister sucks monkey balls on your bed when you're not home.'
-"Jeffrey, you're a ding dong; tell us what ringy-dingies are."
-"Someone call P. Diddy and get him on the phone!"
-"How was your summer?"
'I got divorced.'
"Sounds fun!"
-"My bad."
'You are. You bad.'
-"I was a nerd back then, and no one would play catch with me."
-"Your mom's velocity and acceleration."
'Your mom's velocity and acceleration.'
'"My mom's just old."'
-"Get off your pop can and stop laughing!"
-"She describes him as 'very large'."
-"No, he's got a big hot dog."
'He's got a foot long!'
-"Maybe Sarah Palin can sell her glasses on one of those shopping networks to make up for the deficit."
-"Obama's getting mad at McIUseACain. I love it!"
-"McCain has gone from pallid to pink in a few seconds. Frankly, I'm worried for his health."
-"Dirty Sexy Politics!"
-"I'm glad Obama isn't a nasty, angry maverick."
-McCain won't call Obama a terrorist, that's Palin's job."
-"Obama's campaign says 'erratic'; McCain's campaign says 'Kill the Arab!'"
-"The US spends the most amount of money than anyone else in the world? I never would've guessed that. What's the money go to? Vending machines?"
-"Yeah, we need more UNcertified teachers! Go, McCain, go!"
-"Dear Obama: Pay my daughter's full tuition and I swear I'll vote for you."
-"It's creepy, but...McCain says 'America' just like Bush."
-"McCain's ass just got PWNED."
-"Winner of tonight's debate: the American people. Losers: the Ukranians. Looks like they didn't even show up."
-"Seal ran for President...didn't he?"
-"J-j-joe, jiggy-jiggy Joe!"
-"That'd be a sweet slogan: I'm black."
-"It's the new trend, being black."
-"Let's vote for the hot chick!"
-"You just drove our teacher insane!"
'I hope i don't get inhouse for that.'
-"He looks good and he's black. He's all set."
-"Let's generalise people all hour. That is my favourite thing to do."
-"I get so cold, I pass out."
'How cold are you getting? Laying in a snowbank?'
"That's actually really fun."
-"You move from Mexico to Hawaii and you're like, 'Oh my gosh, I gained weight!'"
'Stupid airline peanuts!'
-"I'm a nerd."
'You are a nerd.'
"Your mom's a nerd."
'"My mom's just old."'
-"May I got to the bathroom?"
'Yes, sir. Or should I say, oui oui.'
-"He's having gang meetings in the bathroom!"
-"I'd love to eat a girl's ass, but I'm not a fan of hepatitus."
-"Bored is another word for gushing vaginal fluids."
-"I never thought I'd be the fat chick in a Britney Spears video."
-"They have moose intenstines, iron ore."
'Yoopers can eat that?'
-"I can't get over the girls trying to pee in the window."
-"What if the hobos get me?"
-"What do you want?"
'Your mom. I mean, no.'
-"You get him pregnant, you make him giggle. It's a two for one."
-"It smells like Easter Bunny."
-"How fat is Earth?"
-"Well, maybe my balls don't itch."
'All balls itch, it's a fact!'
-"He was having a very bad day. His girlfriend broke up with him, he didn't win the lottery. Of course he's gonna shoot people!"
-"Mommy, I want a candy that'll cause me internal pain!"
-"I'm gonna use Google, because things just turn out better on Google."
-"I hate my non-boobs. I hate how non-existent they are."
-"Gepetto's so gay. He's just Michael Jackson!"
-"Your mom's a really fat dude."
-"Okay, Taylor, pull your pants up. Or take them all the way off."
-"Mrs. Eddington, I cut myself with a plastic knife!"
-"Fred Astaire got eaten by a shoe!"
-"His nose is big, and he's on crack."
-"She lied."
'She died?!'
"No! She lied!"
-"I'm thinking of a number one through five--"
'SIX!'
-"My mom's a scary woman when she's mad."
-"Smell the Febreze!"
-"Here kids, look at my magic powder!"
-"I just got kneed in the uterus."
-"Your mom's mom's mom's mom's mom's uncle's boyfriend's brother."
'...my great-great-great-great uncle had a boyfriend?'
-"No, there's on more your mom."
-"Where's Jake? I need to borrow his girlfriend."
-"I hate when people say 'I know, right?'"
'Onion rings, what?'
-"You're not a whore, you're a ho."
'I'm not that either. I'm not black, and neither are you, so shut up.'
-"Hey, well, you're colourless."
'Yeah, she's white.'
-"We need more coke."
'We can't do that here, Shelley.'
"I mean the soda!"
-"I'm nervous after hearing 'Thunder Buns'. I don't wanna show my butt."
-"'John Smith is killing black people'."
-"If your name is Lakifa or something, you'd have to be black, 'cos no white person would name their kid that."
-"What's the scientific board?"
'WIKIPEDIA!'
-"Bring on the sausage!"
-"Do you want to pint the tail on the donkey?"
'We can pin the tail on Joe.'
"Uh, yeah, no. That's a little awkward."
-"We'd be having a conversation, and she'd yell out 'Nighttime!' and then she'd start a new conversation."
-"Michigan Tech: Where the men are men, and so are the women."
-"Her uterus could be good, but her eggs could be bad."
'...um...bad eggs?'
-"Why are you sitting on the counter? What if they make cookies up there? What if they don't want butt-cookies?"
-"He's supposed to be arresting pedophiles, not being one."
-"I didn't realise I was saying 'Stupid German' with a German right behind me!"
-"You are not too late for your taco!"
-"Nobody brought me pants today."
-"I named my kid after math!"
-"John McCain's gonna get voted in. You know why? He's an old white guy. America loves old white guys. Just look at Bob Barker."
-"I don't know how to flirt, so I'm voting for Ralph Nader."
-"Haha, court shorts. I'm gonna remember that forever and for always."
-"You forgot Uranus!"
'I left my butt behind!'
-"How do you know that?"
'Playboy Magazine.'
"What, did you steal it from your brother?"
'No, my uncle.'
-"I'm a real boy!"
'Great! Now I can have sex with you for real without getting splinters!'
-"That just might be the ugliest hat I've ever seen. What's it made out of? Creepy cotton candy shopping bags?"
-"He looks weird."
'Of course. All politicians do. But you're not a politician; you're too cute. And, you're stupid. :]'
-"Who gets here at seven in the morning?"
'Mr. LaHaie, dude, she just told you.'
-"McCain's gonna get blown!"
'Whoa, what?'
-"Do you think Obama's gonna get killed if he gets elected?"
'You can't just say that!'
"...why?"
-"She's showing off her ass."
'It's nicer than yours.'
-"I'm missing my favourite Sharpie!"
'You have a favourite Sharpie?'
"Sure, doesn't every girl?"
-"Stop molesting my book!"
'Oh, I wanna molest it too!'
-"He is having an orgasm! ...who are we talking about?"
-"Jessi, your book needs therapy."
-"His last name is Cherry."
'So, would it be politically correct to call him a fruit? :]'
-"Where'd you get that apple?"
'Kitchen Counters R Us. For all your apple-eating needs.'
-"We're men in tights!"
'Whoa, that makes me think of major penis.'
-"What's your favourite colour?"
'Hot dogs!'
-"I will take my shirt off, light my hair on fire and cream for joy."
-"What do Winnie the Pooh, Jack the Ripper and Attila the Hun have in common?"
'They don't wear pants!'
-"Suicide is a form of weakness. YOu shoot others, not yourself."
-"They've had condoms since sheep were around."
-"Holding your breath was a contraceptive? Okay, that's how you get rid of hiccups, not babies."
-"He's not a douchebag. He's a fucking dump truck of douche."
-"How many people can say they tripped a car?"
-"I didn't steal this off a bicycle. I stole it off a wheelchair. See, the guy with the bicycle could has after me."
-"Did you know that 'back in the day' happened on a Wednesday?"
-"Anybody could still win the race...except John McCain."
-"What would happen if Big Bird walked around the corner and saw Dick Cheney with a shot gun?"
-"Okay, seriously? His name is Bugenhagen?"
-"Oh, I thought he said the vagina is dying."
-"What was his name?"
'Dave Hildenbrand.'
"So he's a cereal."
-"That looked like Hitler."
-"It's the new YMCA! It's the French accent song!"
-"♪Obama, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind, hey, Obama!♪"
-"Obama es having grande orejas on his head."
-"Lookit, lookit that! What's that look like?"
'A bruise?'
"Yeahhh."
-"You have three minutes to live, what do you do?"
'I don't know, go fuck a homeless guy?'
"Where are you gonna find a homeless guy in three minutes?"
-"I'm so cold, ice cubes are jealous."
'...I'm so full of ice cubes, you're jealous?'
-"She can suck my dick."
'But you're a girl.'
"Well...if I had a dick, she could suck it."
-"The universe needs to heal?"
'No, her uterus needs to heal!'
-"Cool, I'm buying a skirt!"
'Good job, Zack. The yellow will bring out your eyes.'
-"Markie didn't like her new toy."
-"She put it in the hole!"
-"I gotta pee really bad."
'I gotta watch--NO!!'
-"Waity-waity-waity-waity-wait."
'Are you saying Wheatie? Why do you want a Wheatie?'
-"Didn't that, like, happen two days ago?"
'What, that you peed your pants?'
-"Jessi almost fell off the thingy."
'Ohhh. I feel bad for the guy.'
-"They should make the Bible into a movie."
-"And then turn on a thing, not a person."
'Why isn't it a person?'
"That's a different expression!"
-"Jesus stole candy?"
'No, Jesus wouldn't even take candy, 'cos he could make his own.'
-"What do you want on the butt?"
-"The U.S. is a douchebag."
'So what does that make us?'
"Living in a douchebag?"
-"What's Obama doing this weekend?"
'Partying it up, I don't know.'
-"He's a German Jew?"
'Yeah, he's a walking oxymoron!'
-"Aw, I'm not black anymore."
-"The Washington Monument, it looks nothing like the guy. It looks more like a tribute to Bill Clinton."
-"Penis canes are murder."
-"The homeless are being paid too much. Take away their shopping carts!"
-"You might be confusing real life with Saturday Night Live."
-"If Obama is put on money when I'm dead, I want someone to tell me."
-"Punch a slut!"
-"It hurts the rest of my body to touch myself."
-"Nader's such a cool name. Naderrr."
-"What is Romney's connection to Michigan?"
'He lives here?'
-"Thingamagoober."
'A goober is a peanut.'
'''She got raped by a peanut?'''
""A puma? What?""
-"Did she just say Jack for coffee?"
'I heard Jeniffer Cocky.'
-"If he was a Mr. Potato Head, all of his facial features would have fallen off."
-"It's mascular, it's singuline...no, wait."
-"I'm not at the penis yet. I'm still working on the vagina."
-"If I trip, I will fall on my ass and my face and my uterus."
-"How old are you, Evan?"
'Seven.'
"Ohmygosh, that rhymes!"
-"Can't think of any gifts to get your family for Christmas? Get them gift cards!"
'Yeah, it's the perfect way of saying, Here's twenty bucks, get your own fucking gift.'
-"If you don't love your vulva, who will?"
-"What else does the Vice President do?"
'Shoot people in the face!'
-"Oh, that's an arm? It looks like someone threw the ball up and it landed and made a dent in the ground."
-"The spring constant is monstrously huge."
'That's what she said!'
-"You're racist against hoboes!"
-"Lumberjack."
'I am not a lumberjack.'
"Well, if you were, you'd totally kick lumberjack butt."
'Yeah, I would.'
-"Hey...there's a noose!"
'A moose?"
-"If it's too hot, get the fuck out of the kitchen! Ladadadada, pudding!"
-"Whatever happened to bro's before hoes?"
'Nothing. I'm just not gay.'
"Just because I'm single doesn't mean I'm gay!"
'Whatever you say, Wilson.'
-"Oh, yeah, my dick feels like corn!"
-"Join me tomorrow when I rape a cow just for spite."
-"I'm offended by you and you underpants."
-"We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful shits."
-"Snow-ho: a prostitute covered in white stuff."
-"Talking about Dick Cheney made God cry?"
-"How about I punch you, then you punch you?"
-"Merry Christmas, you're a hobo!"
-"Are you saying he has a five-pound penis he has to lift?"
-"Santa's having an orgasm!"
-"Last time we were talking about sex in space."
-"So what are we doing?"
'Your mom.'
-"Aww, you messed up my face!"
-"I've heard grapes being referred to as a dude's nuts before, but.."
'-different conversation- You were saying thingy, and I was saying thing.'
"Perfect timing!"
-"This isn't awkward at all."
'Wait till I write on your butt!'
-"Did Santa have another orgasm?"
-"We're ready to launch our balls!"
-"If only Uncle Monty knew what we know, and Stephano knew that he knew what we know. But Uncle Monty doesn't know what we know, and Stephano knows that he doesn't know what we know."
'I know.'
-"Your mom wasted her time-- in bed!"
-"This is what it's like to be drunk without drinking any alcohol."
-"It's very unnerving to be proven wrong, particularly when you are really right and the person who is really wrong is the one who is proving you wrong and proving himself, wrongly right. Right?"
-"No, no, no, Dr. Montgomery's dead. He can't drive."
-"He's gonna die."
'Yeahh.'
-"Her mom isn't masculine."
'And neither is my dad.'
-"I didn't fart. But if you want me to, I can try."
-"Do you have any eights?"
'I thought you said AIDS.'
-"You're so retarded, I see Jesus."
'You're so retarded, that had nothing to do with it.'
-"The pilots invited us up to the cockpit for a good time."
-"We should totally have a painting party. We can get high off the fumes!"
-"Get out of here, old itchy asshole!"
-"I will break your neck and pour jelly all over your body, and pray to the gods of jelly to burn your soul in a jelly-like hell! Now get the jelly!"
-"She's positive for gonorrhea."
'I think that's the first time those words have been uttered in joy.'
-"We must've been Romeo and Juliet in our past lives!"
'They were fictional and died tragically.'
-"Hitler was a poser!"
-"He's blanking his friends!"
-"Those retarded boys were dancing with themselves."
-"I saw a squirrel outside today. You know who I thought it was? JESUS."
-"Let's watch NASCAR. Let's watch a bunch of hicks drive around in a circle for three hours."
-"Christian Bale, yes! Heath Ledger, yes! He's dead...dangit!"
-"I hate Sarah Palin. She makes me want to kill myself."
-"You need a gingerbread man and a gingerbread woman to make gingerbread babies."
-"I'm accusing you of cheating on your test."
'You mean the one I didn't take yet?'
-"We should take a class trip to Mexico."
'Buy as much cheap bear as you can!'
-"Don't steal from Steve!"
-"I guess we're shittin' around."
-"It is what she said."
-"I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it! No I don't."
-"Russian fails!"
-"If I were an enzyme, I would be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes."
-"1, 2, 3, 4--PORCH!"
-"Meghan's gonna do something sexual, I just know it."
-"She's about to talk!"
'She gave me permission to talk.'
"Oh, never mind. TALK."
-"There are some Mexicans in the back of my truck!"
-"The monkey smokes weed? What?"
-"I don't know, but I like doing them."
'That's what she said!'
"That's what Casey said!"
'I didn't say that!'
-"You need money, right? Sell your pants!"
-"Jessi, your boobs pop out today."
-"How long would it take to land?"
'Bob Saget.'
"Half a second, right! ...is that what he said?"
-"What are we supposed to be doing?"
'Your--never mind.'
-"Did you feel up Rachel today?"
'Yeah, I touched her left boob today!'
-"She gets turned on by Hitler!"
-"Fucking is...awkward."
-"Jillian got a spoon stuck in her hair today."
-"That's the point of Saturdays, I guess. To crash wheelchairs into people at Walmart."
-"When Texas and Illinois are mixed together, they have babies named after cars."
-"Does she look like a Jonas brother?"
-"Here's your afro!"
-"Can we rely on them to watch the B-A-B-Y?"
'Who's Bobby?'
"The baby."
'Mom, his name is Nicky.'
-"I will massacre your vagina!"
-"She's got uuhh..."
-"That seems fun. I wanna duct tape a stick to my butt!"
-"They eat babies!"
-"He looks like he should be on an infomercial about diabetes!"
-"I'm not gonna eat Jesus."
-"Nothing says I love you like herpes."
-"He looks good with a big head."
-"I'm glad he's pushing up daisies."
'He's not pushing up daisies, he's dead!'
"It's an idiom."
'You are the idiom.'
-"He was shot in the head."
'Was it fatal?'
"Yes..."
'How fatal?'
"Completely."
'I want to talk to him now!'
"...he's dead."
-"Gimme your candy cane, I wanna shank her."
-"She doesn't know what butt-sex is!"
'Okay, it's when a guy puts his dick in another guy's butt--'
"'Okay! I don't need to know anymore!'"
"So hardcore butt-sex is--"
'Bleeding out the ass.'
-"Jessi, I have AIDS. Help me."
-"Ooh, hooker boots for four-year-olds!"
-"Oh Honour, can we take Wanda the fuck home?"
-"Oh my gosh. Hannah Lecter actually ate that guy's face!"
-"Blacks are ten times as likely of getting a death row sentence than whites."
'That doesn't mean we need to get rid of the death penalty. We just need to kill more white people.'
-"Isn't there another way I could get pregnant? Like from a toilet seat?"
'Uh, yeah. There would have to be a guy between you and the toilet.'
-"You know the only difference between a hockey mom and those turkeys? Lipstick! And a face!"
-"People who live in glass houses shouldn't have children."
-"If you go to Texas and kill someone, we will kill you back!"
-"She wants me to poop in a ditch."
-"Can you get me a cracker?"
'YOU'RE a cracker. No, wait, you really are!'
-"I broke our throw pillows, okay? 'Cs throw pillows suck."
-"Before we eat, we have to thank the Lord for this bountiful--PENIS!"
-"If you're a man and you can't remember the last time you had sex with a woman, you're either gay or married."
-"Have you been drinking?"
'Why, is there a fat chick in my backseat?'
-"You know you're ugly when you're making fellas poop their own weiners."
-"I believe that anyone who wears a thong should have to go through an application process."
-"When's your birthday?"
'February seventeen.'
"No, what year?"
'...every year.'
-"I believe that sometimes you gotta wreck the truck to get the money to make the payment on the truck."
-"I believe I'll have a scotch. ...no, wait, I already do."
-"I believe if you can't say something nice about somebody, you must be talking about Hilary Clinton."
-"I believe guns don't kill people. Husbands that come home early do."
-"I've ripped so many assholes."
-"What's going on? Why are we eating babies?"
-"What's the most romantic thing I did in our marriage?"
'Leave.'
-"We should have another baby."
'Earlier, I was thinking about cutting off my hand. I don't think we should do either of those.'
-"He just lit the kite on fire with his face! Who does that?"
-"Those elephants are being tortured. I hope none of them are getting raped too."
-"I want a baby to come in the mail. I wanna be able to send it back."
-"Where's Dumbo's dad? Was he an abusive drunk so they had to shoot him in the face? Damn you, Disney!"
-"If they see you doing that, they'll hook you up with some...death."
-"Gigi got dead."
-"You didn't tell me your arm ricochets socks!"
-"Myspace, my breast, it works."
-"The trifecta we can't escape: Coldplay, Seacrest and jelly."
-"I scream, you scream, we all scream because it's fucking Hitler!"
-"That looks like someone died in a fish tank."
-"Gin smells like pine trees, I'm not even kidding!"
-"I had that for my Game Boy but I traded it for a sparkly ball."
-"Where do I plug it in?"
'In the wall?'
"Where's the wall?"
'There's a wall, there's a wall, there's a wall, there's a wall, there's a wall, pick your wall!'
-"Online sandwich! I like yelling random words."
-"His face is, like, vomiting itself."
-"I came in here to get pants and shirts, but all I got were thongs and skirts!"
-"I'm late, I'm late, I'm late!"
'Your mom's late--OH NO!'
-"Is that a pimple? No, it's a tumor."
-"I'm being retarded."
'What? You farted?'
-"I'm freaking hot."
'You're cute, but I wouldn't go that far.'
-"That is shocking. It shocked me through my beard."
-"Oh no, Carrot Top has feelings! This changes everything!"
-"Why would you make children go on a crusade?"
'They did. They died.'
-"Jessi, guess what I got on my pants!"
-"If I don't find what I need, I'm gonna murder Markie!"
'That doesn't surprise me.'
"...I don't think he was talking to us."
-"Beat me in sexual ways, please."
'I dare you to say that to a teacher.'
-"Did you say 'erections'?"
'No, I said 'Russians'!'
-"Diana gets creeped out by dead hamster bodies."
-"She's gonna rape you. With a spoon."
-"The fan makes a really weird noise, and it smells like period in there!"
-"They ain't dead, is they?"
'No, dead people don't snore! Or do they?'
-"I'm so angry at you, I wish your mom was here so I could punch her in the uterus for having you."
-"If all else fails, wear nothing!"
-"I have to put on my teeth and brush my pants!"
-"You're a silly banana."
-"Pneumonia! Spanish influenza!"
'Pneumonia is such a cooler disease.'
-"Let's look for more boobs!"
-"At least I don't open books about Africans and say 'Hey look, a black guy!'"
-"I'm telling this to you honestly and truthfully: we don't want your pants. Keep your pants."
-"Don't hurt the sock!"
-"Hitler shouldn't be in books. We don't want to hear about him and his Hitlerness."
-"I have a crush on Hitler's mustache! It's a crushtache! Actually, no, that sounds disgusting."
-"Now what's she gonna do?"
'...fix his coat?'
-"Djibouti."
'Why is that funny?'
"Um..."
'OH! Because it says booty!'
-"Oh, my anus!"
-"Salute your shorts!"
-"You can go on the tunnel of love, and they scare you inside so you can cuddle up to the person you're with, and if you're Bruce Springsteen, you can write a song about it."
-"That Asian girl reminds me of your brother."
-"Physics can go jump in a lake and Mr. Kunzi can find the velocity."
'No, physics can jump in a lake and find its own velocity!'
-"Mrs. Borst, do you remember the Civil War?"
-"So Taylor, I heard you guys suck."
-"Hitler makes the world go 'round!"
-"I can see the turtles!"
-"I'm going to get soup, not penis!"
-"So anytime your face is dying, just slap some yogurt on it."
-"You're supposed to get turned on, not pass out, stupid."
-"Think of something you hate."
'I can't do that! If I was a KKK member, this would be so much easier!'
-"And the moral of the story is, mooses are ADHD."
-"I woke up in the middle of the night and I thought the island was on fire!"
'Yeah, because island spontaneously combust.'
-"When'd he die?"
'He'd not dead yet.'
-"My smell smells hair good too!"
-"How do you molest a chicken?"
-"We have an African American president, a female Speaker of the House, and there's the white guy!"
-"It's too early in the morning for creepy jokes."
-"You got bit by a cow? What were you doing to it? They're not speedy, dude."
-"Him and my aunt got a divorce and I don't know what happened to the pickles!"
-"Nothing exciting ever happens in Jenison. For the love of God, let us go see the chickens!"
-"Mmm!"
'Now we got cows!'
"'Dude...that was a special ed kid. You're horrible!'"
-"You know what would be great, Hebs? If a chicken just fell through the ceiling."
-"What else is in Vietnman?"
'Asians!'
-"He deserves to have chickens in his room for lying!"
-"Jake's a tuba!"
-"You can never have too much Gary Oldman. NEVER."
-"There's gay on my computer!"
-"Horton hires a whore."
'What?!'
-"They don't know what sister you're talking about."
'Gayy.'
"The gay one?"
-"It's like a bible of poems. Except the bible can be a lot bigger, and have, like, a thousand pages."
-"That anonymous guy does a lot of stuff."
-"Your shoes are green."
'Thank you.'
"That's not a compliment!"
-"Did she take her fire truck to Boston?"
'No, I think she flew. So unless her fire truck can fly...'
"Yeah, magic fire truck!"
-"What are we talking about?"
'Dr. Manhattan's giant blue penis.'
-"This isn't Nazi school!"
-"I went to church earlier, so it's only fitting that I see penis later."
-"Your tongue is the same colour as his penis!"
-"That clock is a circle of lies!"
-"Liz, we need to put you in a straight-jacket and tie you to the...ceiling!"
-"I'm stealing from other teachers who don't know they're being stolen from."
'Borst!'
"All for the love of learning!"
-"Whoo! Stolen batteries are the answer!"
-"Roses are red! Violets are blue! I'm Samuel L. Jackson!"
-"He knows his crayon colours!"
-"I don't think we could sing a seizure."
-"In Russia, Communists eat babies."
-"He's lucky he's not dead."
-"Yo girl, I'd marry your brother just to get in your family."
-"Ew, look at the bird poop. It looks like yogurt and...dirt."
-"It's not my fault I can't open doors!"
-"Jimmy crack corn and I don't care."
'What is that song even about, hillbilly drugs?'
"Probably."
-"He's hotter than hot and gayer than gay."
'And druggier than...drug?'
-"Keep the pedophilia out of the kitchen!"
-"You're a secret Hindu."
-"Ohmygosh, it was so funny--"
'No it wasn't.'
-"Mom got mugged at Famous Dave's."
-"Don't bend over anymore."
-"Who's Hannah?"
'My friend. Not Hannah Montana.'
"Awww..."
-"You'll wake the dead."
'If she does, then zombies will come and eat our brains.'
-"South Korea: the land of Pepsi lovers."
-"I can dance better than hello."
-"If you have trouble hearing, call Beltone."
'What?!'
-"She's gonna be okay, her doctor's a Jew!"
'Oh hush. How is she, Dr. Jew?'
-"If I were you, I'd run."
'If you were me, you'd be good looking.'
-"It's amazing how much Hilary Clinton's laugh sounds so Clay Aiken-ish."
-"It was funny, in the Anne Frank play--"
'The Anne Frank play was funny?'
-"Life's a frog. Leap it."
-"Oh my God, it's Jesus!"
-"Don't take my juice!"
-"I should have you know I help the planet just by looking this good."
-"Chuck E. Cheese: where a kid can be molested."
-"Why is there a metrosexual in the Middle East?"
-"Really? You didn't notice the destruction from far away?"
'They were too into their song.'
-"Look, it's the Tooth Fairy! I mean, uh, I'm a donkey! Heehaw!"
-"Who does him?"
'His wife.'
-"There's a random black dude on the stage."
-"Oh no, Emilio!"
-"Ohmygod, Samuel L. Jackson in my fridge!"
-"Zane, you're wearing mom shorts!"
-"You're addicted to gay!"
-"What do you do, poop out the baby?"
-"Mrs. Borst, I'm here for your daily delivery of stuff you forgot."
-"Yeah, I wanna go fuck a cow."
-"I fathered eighteen of my dogs."
-"They're dead!"
'But they still love each other.'
"But they're dead!"
-"Is he trying to French kiss the wall?"
-"Joelle, are you always happy?"
'No...'
"Really? 'Cos you're always like 'whoo!'"
-"Fine, take back your panda, put it in your vagina."
-"Wanna find your Edward? Not really."
'I found my Jacob! LOL!"
-"There's cake on your face! I can do it 'cos you just married me, bitch!"
-"If you're trying to keep a low profile, don't steal an ambulance."
-"Ohmygosh, your rice jiggles!"
-"Her head's just down there."
'That's what she said.'
-"It's too dark for Jess to jump out of the car."
-"Ohay, you can keep dancing and singing. I'll just take a break and drink some soda."
-""Well aren't you full of testosterone."
-"Scotland! Did you dance? Do they have kangaroos there? What about chopsticks?"
-"Scotland: the land of Braveheart and Sean Connery."
-"Orion...he's got a belt."
-"Walking's for squares. Let's fly! We can be like Superman!"
'Yeah!'
"Actually, not really. I don't really like Superman's hair."
-"Vitch? What's a vitch? Sounds like Count Dracula insulting a woman."
-"My great-grandma doesn't know what's going on."
'She had Alzheimer's?'
"No, she's just old as hell."
-"I feel like the Darth Vader of swine flu."
-"If you don't like pi, what can you change it to?"
'Cake.'
-"You're a black church in your heart?"
-"Here's an older lady whose entire poem is about drugs."
-"That's probably not even her house. It's probably some guy's house. And he's like 'Get out! You're always in here!'"
-"You know how to play the banjo? If you had a party in Kentucky, you'd have all the girls!"
-"IF you have a unibrow, you shouldn't be in porn."
-"Peace on earth, I'm gonna kill you!"
-"He's got a negative butt."
-"She sat on my face!"
-"Jillian."
'AHH.'
"Jillian."
'AHH.'
"Jillian."
'What?'
-"Let me clear up a few rumours. One, my real name is Prince. Two, I'm not gay."
-"Does 'cinnamon' have one 'n' or two?"
-"I'm spanking David Bowie!"
-"Accio tissues!"
-"They can't eat unicorns?"
'No one can 'cos they don't exist.'
"The Jew ate them all."
-"Don't say 'please'. You ain't Barry White, you ain't got to beg."
-"My butler is black, my butler is blue, 'cos his honey got green comin' out her wazoo."
-"We're...in...a...car!"
'I'm on a boat!'
-"Robert's in construction. Tell 'em, baby."
'I'm in construction.'
-"At the Redhouse, where black people and white people buy furniture."
-"Well, what if Mick Jagger wore eyeliner?"
-"Ziggy died--here's Will Smith!"
-"We should wear brown for butt cancer."
-"This is like Edward Cullen nail polish!"
-"I'm gonna ride a tree to my job as a farmer."
-"Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear, not a cleaning product."
-"There's the gay puppet bomber!"
-"Remember when you said 'till death do us part'?"
'Yeah.'
"Later you'll raelise you're setting a goal."
-"Mexicans are from Mexico. I'm Cuban, I'm from Florida."
-"He looks so happy there. He probably just killed a million people."
-"Did he kill Chewbaca?"
-"It'd be like the Amazing Race!...except with bullets and death."
-"Jordan, I don't think you look like Putin. You're much cuter."
-"What else rhymes with 'Seth' other than 'meth'?"
''Breath'?'
"No, I used that already."
''Death'?'
"Ohh!"
-"What do you do at optimist clubs?"
'Go like 'Car crashes! Whoo-hoo!''
-"It was good until he killed himself."
-"He seems awkward."
'Oh, it gets better.'
-"He's like the turtle sub guy!"
-"Something crawled under his nose and died."
-"Great performance, but I'm starving and he looks like a burrito."
-"Your hair looks like a pillow."
-"I do stalk people. It makes me feel better."
-"Ovals are fun. They make me think of eggs."
-"You tried to kiss me!"
'Where are you going? We haven't done the naked scene yet!'
-"If Alex Gaskarth ever puked on me, I'd scream and cry, and not in the good way."
'...but it's Alex Gaskarth.'
"But it's puke."
-"Why didn't anyone tell me this beard makes me look like a fucking serial killer?"
-"As Big Daddy used to say, 'I feel lower than the rent of a burning building.'"
'That's funny. I used to live in a burning building. And it was cheap.'
-"When he shaves, he's adorable. When he doesn't shave, he looks like
