I’m a precocious young lad with a penchant for stamp collecting, lollipops, and masturbating while weeping uncontrollably. I also enjoy the collected works of Emily Dickinson & Virginia Wolf, long walks on the beach, and a gentle fisting from a bull-dyke who calls herself Allen. I like mixing gasoline with fireworks and giving my friends the creepy point with what's left of my only functioning finger. I find men attractive but not in a gay way. I’m one of the few who is actually proud to be from South Bend, IN. I work a job that I hate to make just enough money to be broke. Santa Claus is a child molester and the Hamburglar is a junkie. When I’m not jaboobied on my special homemade cocktail of wild turkey and paint thinner, I enjoy slamming my dick in a filing cabinet. I also like to carve flowers and butterflies into my skin with jagged shards of broken glass. Those close to me describe my personality as Andy Dick without the macho ruggedness. I find a strong bowel movement to be invigorating and vegetables to be melancholy. The letter Q is misunderstood. My lucky number is 1.89743982742934672347822748761923782X34739824. Roman numerals are pretentious and zebras are whimsically ironic. I consider myself fortunate to have a beautiful, intelligent girlfriend who hasn't realized or hasn't decided that she can do better then a sack of shit like me. My life long dream is to teach painting to the blind & gourmet cooking to the homeless.
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