Inbred Bipeds

I'd like to meet:

I'd like to meet someone who is artsy, creative and can be entertained by a wide swath of things such as other peoples misfortunes. My fantasy partner in crime is smart ( major smart ), witty, tall (I'm 5'1" so 6' and above is great (6'4+ even better - since I love my numerous heels)... has a smile that can melt the polar ice caps and also everyone's hearts. Not being afraid of a vibrator is a plus. You must be flexible and open minded 'cause I am not. You should look like a Frank Frazetta painting and be able to put up with a multitude of random, impulsive ideas like "Let's fly to Paris for the weekend" and "I'm gonna fuck you in your parents bathroom like a drug addled rapist". MUST have a sense of fashion and a killer body... (shallow, yes, but it's my wish list)...can keep a conversation with a random person when handed a phone mid-sentence, yet will punch someone in the face if handed a phone in mid-sentence, high-fives little kids, cries at movies, will throw popcorn in my hair so that other people laugh at how cute we are, sings in the shower, will skip with me at the zoo while we eat ice cream and hold balloons, laughs at my venomous little racial jokes, tells me when I have bad breath and listens to my Grandfather's boring P.O.W stories (like the Viet Cong would really do THAT to someone! Get real.). Please understand that sometimes I will serve up a (small) bowlful of "crazy" with a cherry on top just because I'd like to hear that "I'm the cat's pyjamas and the bees knees" (and silly you forgot to tell me - you always do). Oh, and as if that's not enough, you have to be the best kisser in the free-world and not be embarrassed about being seen with me in public... you should know how to tease, yet be willing to give it up at any moment as if you were jonesing for a crack rock, and of course know how NOT to be a fuckin' bitch. Please attempt to be adventurous yet reserved, silly, breezy, intellectual, interested and interesting, self-secure yet docile, close but not clingy, free but not hookerish, don't mind sharing sexually of your friends or your drugs, you know, an overall adventure buddy. We should get matching tattoos and share similar STD's. I think I am cool and so should you. A word of warning: You will probably fall in love with me too fast and I then will act indifferent. That's how I say, "I love you". So, if you fall into these "guidelines" I have to say in all honesty that the person who I would like to meet is... YOU.