About Me
when the dawn is broken...When dawn breaks a beautiful light is cast upon everything we see as real, somewhere deep upon the surface of stone and rubble at the bottom of an ocean miles away the most brilliant creature awakens. Is that so hard to believe it is you? That you are somehow connected to the air it manages to collect that deep below miles of water. I see you, a glimmering hope...wondering when the word love is born, we have all heard it before....love...that mystical force that allows a being to become so sensual it would cast away it's existence for whom it desires so deeply it is as if it is one with that whom it looks upon. Waves breaking on some distant beach, fireflies on the fog lifting from a morning pond, birds singing high above some mountain cascade. Yes love these words are yours, the essential elements that connect life to death and death to something new. Walk with me now...my presence cannot be denied. All I see around me points out that no one can even understand these words any longer, as if technology killed instinct. Did it? Or is it lovers, all of us, animal, insect, whatever it may be we all know it, do we choose to hide? I find myself in the moments of my heavy eyes and weakened senses questioning everything I see. What deeper lies in the heart? What now becomes of everything you try so hard to stop? Do I cast hate into you simply because of what we lost, or were you here to teach me that which I must pass unto another? We were once connected like the leaf is to the tree, but so must it part, we did as well. But no remorse, no more, I see things bright as the sun shows me, thousands of miles away. So I may never feel the warmth of your embrace again, but this world has a strange way of keeping what we learned together by my side. And so I have fallen headlong into something unknown. At first a glance, then a conversation, then brief passion, then longing. Now I find my heart beating...how I do not know. As I look at this captured image of digital lines, curves, colors and intimate details I find myself smiling. It is but a moment in time, but her eyes, her smile, her shimmering hair, I feel it begin to melt into my mind as if she were next to me, inside of me, taking me under and washing me away. But she is no different than you, or the woman on the street corner waiting for her bus, her beauty is only defined by intimacy and touch not by physical traits. Wasn't that you? But yet you fade more and more as I look into her eyes, more than what any other man can see, but how, her soul is yours and mine alike, how can she be different? So I choose to either pursue a life of personal betrayal, breaking bonds and tossing coins out into an abyss. Or I choose to stay, regardless of any doubts and offer her a love we once knew....a love however completely new. One never experienced or shared before. Her heart is young and she knows little of the bond I have felt. I choose not to cling to her but in this very moment I already miss her touch, her taste, her eyes, the way they look into mine and I forget I am even there. Is that it? You forget you are alive, because you realize you are not? You are really in that moment something more...crazy to think you could feel that way. What more could you be than a symbiotic being? A lover, one yet to fall in love, perhaps you are always in love, you just pass it to another as time goes on. And what of this ever shadowing anger and rage? It still lives, it still knows me, but yet it has not hurt another since the mistakes I have made before, instead I find myself nurturing. I like to believe mother earth gave me a chance where you did not. God may judge me, I will not like it, but maybe you and I had to be exactly what we were for any good to come of the connections around us. Not that what happened was fair but it did show us both something we never knew before, you just saw it sooner. A sunrise is always the result of a sunset somewhere distant, with the old comes new, with death, life. And So this is not about you at all, even though you consume this thought, it's not you I think about at all. I feel the powers around me, crickets chirping in a manner consistent with that of peaceful bliss, reptiles knowing their meal awaits. The fish swim idly but with character that can be easily defined, and even they must fight sickness and disaster, but yet they survive. So too others around myself, simple human organs and ideas, most not aware of what they can feel or unable to release it. Yet even now I know it is possible. We once told each other love is blind. The car wreck for instance, so it was minor but even tragic, you were not physical so no matter but deeper care would have resulted. Just as now, she is not even aware, but no matter, in time, what could happen, she is still the same, unchanging. Why? Love is rooted in the heart, in sex, passion, lust, even touch, but not at all in body, or appeal, or even such simple outspoken words. She is not physical, she is alive, and that is what we all share....that which creates life also creates love. As if like a small pet, we could reach out and gently touch it....and so often, we do. So with this dawn the sun will set and as if my life was the same, time advances and creates new wonders in which to ponder. Life is born...love is new. This love I feel is all for you.
11/06/07Who the fuck are you to judge? To tear me down, (to think you can) Bet you're jealous now I'm everything you wanted and I'm never going to be yours. And then there's all these insecure people running around telling you they're line of shit hoping to tear you down. FUCK THEM. Be you! I fell for this game for almost 3 years. I played the sick and sorrowful for way too long after. Now I just want to stand up and fight. So what? You just want to I thought....SO I JUST FUCKING DID. Changed my mind, changed my heart, and even changed my style. I'm tired of believing I have to fight for someone's love, oh hell no. You will have to fight for mine. I'm not waisting time sitting here waiting on you or anyone else, so make your best move, see if I turn my head. I don't have to settle for less. I'm me, you don't like it, hit the pavement, you have much more use out there than in here. But hell, show you have a heart, I won't break it, no, that's not my style. Point is, I'm going to stand on top with or without you. No one can stop that. You want to be a part of it, start climbing, because like I said, I won't take second best. I once believed in something, I lost it, how stupid right. Well my dreams came to me, woke me the fuck up....and now....I believe in something even better now. You want to know what that is? Well then just ask....but it's big time baby, and unlike last time around, I won't let someone destroy this dream, this time I plan on sharing it with the world....Starting right now, you better keep watching, I just started a fire and before long it's going to turn this whole fucking place upside down. Some of you just read this and know exactly how that feels, if so, stand with me, do your thing, kick some ass, and never let some moron toss you around, ever. This is for anyone who wanted it, had it, or lost it, this is about taking it back, or making it big. This isn't just about me, it's about every single one of you who ever had to put up with shit. Hold on, if you take my hand, it's going to be one crazy fucking ride! The Phoenix has risen.......................THE PHOENIX IS ALIVE. I've been waiting to say that for months, now is the time, and time was all I needed.I understand what she meant now. "There's only one conclusion to every story, we all fall down." Domino Harvey. You know I came into this world at a slow pace, bright sunlight, the sound of the birds filling my imagination with hopes and dreams. I remember playing in distant meadows, sitting in the yard as a young child as my parents lit sparks into the air, dressing up in silly costumes on Halloween and watching life explore itself around the room observing strange tall people I had never met getting drunk to the point of absolute chaos. As I grew up they told me from time to time something was wrong with me. I believe what was wrong with me was my heart, my imagination. I think people feared that I openly expressed how I felt, and although I had done nothing wrong, they needed a label. My peers tore me down for the longest time, putting me into a stage in my life of hatred. I was an only child, when I was young I always got a long with everyone, I had an innocent heart. As a baby my mother told me I never threw fits, that I was calm. But once I reached middle school that all changed. I was made fun of for being different, for not fitting in, for caring about things. It's like the world hated me for my dreams and hopes. Eventually I learned to cope, I mostly with music constantly playing, the sound of others who knew the pain I felt in headphones as I walked down the halls of these sadistic people. I never had ill will though, never wished harm to anyone. Although I went through accusations and suffering. I have always bared a cross in life as if I was expected to suffer for those around me. As years went on I found friends watched a few turn to drugs, lost a few to suicide, left a few as time tore us apart. Relationships I never did well at, most girls were looking to lose their virginity not actually love anyone. As cruel as that statement sounds, I have yet to see the change in that statement. I began to grow bitter, I mean yeah of course, there were girlfriends here and there, but nothing special. I faced my second life altering event in high school over a girl actually, i really liked her, she seemed the same way, only to say horrible things behind my back to her friends and anyone she talked to. I was angry and pretty much told her to go to hell, well she retaliated and I faced the first major traumatic event in my life, what happened next caused me panic attacks, questioning my faith, anger, fear, depression, but mostly I wondered when the nightmare would end and I would wake up. Problem was it wasn't a dream. Soon after, I changed high schools, everything worked out and life went back to normal. This school was so nice, everyone was so happy and I met so many great people, including my best buddy to this day. I never felt happier, even though I hated the idea of an initial change. But it gave me a second chance. I met a beautiful girl there my junior year. We were each other's first one true love. We did everything together, I had finally found that one special person I had a connection too. I faced hell to keep her though, fights with her parents, fights with mine, shit it got so bad I left home half way through my senior year and was living from place to place barely graduated high school at all, and food, well I was lucky if I ate at all. I remember on valentine's she bought me a bag of m&m's candy, I was hungry as hell but it meant so much to me I left it unopened and to this day I still have it. But I was so happy to be in love, real love, the kind of love where giving up all luxuries and all other happiness seems ok. I remember one night we snuck out and went to a party it was the first time we made love and it was the perfect night. It wasn't the kind of party you get fucked up at, although plenty of it was going around. No, there was a campfire, marshmallows, close friends, and a blanket or two for couples to get close by the fire with. We left for a few to talk and after a year of loyalty and compassion we found each other in the van she bought me as a graduation gift totally and truly sure we were each other's "one". It was the kind of moment I expected to tell my grandkids one day but life never does turn out quite the way you expect it too. About two years of romance, dedication and love something went horribly wrong. As any couple does, we fought, but it was worse near the end than I would expect anyone to be capable of. I caught her talking to a few guys about her sex life and how they wanted to be with her, which made me angry and filled my heart with hatred and from that point on things just got worse. It wasn't that a guy approached her, it was that she openly talked to them personally about sex, the one thing that is the most intimate thing between partners. Well we still had our moments of happiness and love, but it seemed to fade and the trust seemed to die, even after all we had been through. God, we faced hell in honor of each other and it ended so ugly. In the end she left me for another guy, I blame myself for not saying I love you enough, even though I did everyday, I blame myself for not listening enough, for not being there enough, and for being a coward and not royally kicking the shit out of the person who took her from me, and to this day the only reason I didn't is because I was still thinking of her happiness. She pressed charges based on an argument we had on the phone the day before I found out she cheated. I had called her to tell her I love her like I always tried to, but after two hours of wondering what happened to her I got really nervous and upset, which eventually led to a fight. I was wondering if she was ok, I was worried sick. Anyway, it ended in her hanging up on me. Mostly because at this point she was still too afraid to tell me where she had been, with him. The next morning I went to see her to tell her sorry for over reacting and to tell her I loved her, that ended in the back of a squad car and a 3 day visit to the jail. Now I sit here and wonder if I will ever find that girl again. I know my mom said it was for the best and that she was no good, but I loved her, I can't help the mistakes I made, and to this day I would still be happier making them then feeling so damned alone. I cry every time I'm alone, I think about her in every film I watch, I can't understand why I can't just find someone new and be happy. And fuck the threat of this jail shit, I don't even care anymore. I just want to be loved again. I want to know I stand a chance in hell of living my dream, and to one day be able to tell my grand kids sweet and wonderful stories of love and triumph. But as it is right now, I have never felt so alone. I know I deserve better. I thought my whole world was set, my goals, dreams, love, everything was right. Well, then life happened. And now not a day goes by that I don't live in fear of losing life before I can say I love you again. Not just saying it though, feeling it, knowing that person is my entire world, knowing I would give up anything, even my own life just to see them smile. But as the story goes. My story has reached it's conclusion, I lost love, faith, and hope. I face court, jail and judgment. I am broke unemployed and a mess. My stomach aches in pain daily and I hide it all, bearing my cross and walking the line. "there's only one conclusion to every story, we all fall down." I wonder if she even really knows what that means. Bet you all the money in the world she doesn't yet it's her my space quote, a quote she likes, a quote I live by......................................................... A story simply told yet not a story at all. For a story has an ending, one I have yet to know. Years may pass and ink may dry, pages will crumble and in time this existence will die. But in the end there is only one question, only one I never want to ask. And if I do I have failed, my life, my meaning nothing more than a loss. In this life death should never come with why. Only put more simply, life takes chances, life loves unconditionally, life never gets a second chance, and for all those reasons, never question anything, just live in the moment.
Ryan Butler September 14, 2007................I'd like to take the risk in saying I think I found that chance, maybe with time, but the risk of even saying it is also the risk of knowing I just lost it. Bad habit of losing hopes over writing them down. But she is the most beautiful girl I have ever met, and even more so in her heart. Although she is totally afraid of any feelings she could have, I'm willing to offer her mine. But in a month or so I fear I will be writing another story of how things never work and to never believe in anything. But this time I really want to try and believe there is a different story I could write. And I'm tired of writing about heartache, I think it's about time I tell a love story again. We'll see, fate has little to do with life, but patience and prayer go a long way in making one believe fate is what it really meant.......................................................
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Once a long time ago, I believed in everlasting love, the ability to fall in love and hold onto it forever, over the years I have become unsure of this. All I long for is that beautiful angel I can hold in my arms and simply whisper to her all the words to describe how lucky I am to be hers. Once, I had felt this, just like all other feelings. I have felt jealousy, depression, anger, apathy, and now something new, something that I fear. I feel that this emotion I used to call love will never come, as if some form of denial maybe. About two months ago I joined a car club, after about 3 months of unemployment and court dates. I started working non stop on my vehicles, sort of a healing process I suppose, it even got so bad I spent grocery money on car parts. For the first time since my nightmare started I felt wanted, welcome, and appreciated by a good group of people. I still feel that way now and if it wasn't for those people I'm not sure where I would be. Now as far as this love thing goes, I felt it, like a married couple would, it was my life, the only reason I lived at one point. I have had time to reflect on it all after all this time and realized I could have done better but overall I did pretty damn good, it was her that drug it all down. Well since then I have been a fuck up, I tried drinking, sometimes so much I woke up sleeping on a couch with a trash can by my side with my van parked outside of my friends house because I got so bad I had fallen asleep on a lawn with two bottles of vodka in my hands. I tried smoking, worked for a week, now I just do it for no reason. Getting high, oh, that was stupid, I am the most paranoid person i know, imagine me high. Lets just say I was watching myself die. Never again. Then I tried the dating/ one night stand shit. Two words.......FUCK THAT. None of this was the normal me, I thought it would help, no, not at all. That and I have spent so much time burying emotions I feel like an idiot sometimes when I can't express them like I used to. , Right now though I am afraid I'll fuck up again, at this rate will I ever find the miracle I'm looking for? I have been afraid to get close to anyone for so long I thought I forgot how all together, and I kinda did. Right now my fear is getting hurt, which makes me even more afraid to get too close, So I guess my story has yet to be written, but the real question is this? Is there such a thing as a real happy ending?.....................................................
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I learned something today, I learned not to believe in anything, not love, not life, not even the hope of a second chance or for those prayers of waking up in heaven to come true. Day after day the memory of the happy I once knew causes one more drop of gold to run from the river in my mind unto a simple cloth, to be disregarded into the firepit. No one want's this man's love. No one cares if I offer my heart and soul, they don't see it's real, nor do they care, so little by little I forget how to love, or even how to feel at all. I have found all I wanted was a woman to wrap my heart around and protect forever, but every time I take the risk and say something, no words come out, more like stupid mumbling. And when I finally do say something I get hit harder realizing every time there is always some dick fuck guy around the corner who treats her bad and somehow wins her heart. Then she gets hurt and instead of saying give this guy a chance she runs into the arms of another wife beater to be. I see it every day, that's why I rarely even find myself caring. I wanted two things in life, love and understanding, I even had them both, but as usual some dickhead took that away from me.I'm tired of trying so hard to prove to anyone I'm worth the risk, that I wont change in a month, but no one believes, too many assholes before I even spoke told my whole story for me. I am so sick of being the last guy in line, tired of no one seeing me at all. I know I deserve better than to be walked on, or laughed at. I can't stop this hurt, I can literally feel my emotions fading into dust more and more everyday, because I have been screwed so many times, I don't even believe there is love anymore, and at one point, I lived for love, love was my life. Now, I'm just some dirty torn down version of the dedicated lover I used to be, much as the rusted sports car in the used car lot is to the guy with the big wallet. No one wants anything real anymore, they like plastic or cash, cars or cock, pain before pleasure. Why? What happened when guys like romeo were on top and the other scumbags were beheaded? Most people dream of careers money cars. My dream is simple. I want a beautiful girl who is to me like an angel on earth that I can love with all my heart and raise a beautiful family with. Used to be that was a pretty easy thing to do. But no one wants a broken lover and no one wants a rusted car. No matter how nice the engine, no matter how big the heart. Now its all about fast and easy, sleek and sexy. Well this is the moment where I have decided in my life........my dreams have died........................................................
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