About Me
Nearly 300 people in 39 states have fallen ill since August, and federal health investigators say they strongly suspect ME and my cousin - Wal-Mart's Great Value house brand PB. Shoppers across the country were warned about my entire family on the news. Everyone was told to throw us out if we had a product code on our lid beginning with "2111," which denotes the plant where we were born. One brave customer, who we'll refer to as "Smallest Picture Ever", is willing to risk everything to keep me and my brother Crunchy safe in her home forever. About 85 percent of the infected people blamed me, and about a quarter of them ate me at least once a day. I was the only thing that most of the patients had all recently eaten. Smallest Picture Ever ate over half my jar, and somehow she is perfectly healthy. I can cause diarrhea, fever, dehydration, abdominal pain and vomiting. The diarrhea I cause could be very exhausting, so it's recommended to drink a lot of fluid to avoid dehydration. I commonly originate in the feces of birds and animals. While rodents and birds commonly get into peanut storage bins, germs are killed when raw peanuts are roasted. As you can see, I am a very sanitary snack. If you have any of my family members at your house, send their lids and your name and address to ConAgra Foods, P.O. Box 3768, Omaha, NE 68103. I'll give you your money back for their safe return. For more information, call (866) 344-6970.
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