You can be helping many people, but if you are not helping yourself, you have missed the one person you were born to heal.
I am making this page because I need to be surrounded by light, by positive people.
I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, emotional abuse from parents, and into my teenage and young adult years, I fell victim to terrifying,violent and traumatic multiple rapes.
And then to find myself in my first relationship with a man I adored and loved with all my heart, only to become victim to his anger and hatred towards all women, including myself, he beat me, but I was naive and I thought I deserved it, as I was not smart in words, in life, I did things wrong.
I did nothing wrong but be innocent.I am trying to heal from all these things, but I am starting from childhood, the childhood that made me who I am, that created the intense self hatred for myself, the hatred I grew up in, because if your parents didn't love you then something must be wrong with you.
That was my beleif, and that was what I raised myself in.Today I find it hard to trust people, to beleive them when they say nice things about me, I don't beleive them when they say I am sweet and kind and beautiful, I don't see myself as that.
I hope someday I can.
And so I have realized all my self destruction is a past survival thing, it was how I survived when I was alone in the world, when I thought I was the only one, when I was confused, I didn't know why I was feeling the things I did, I didn't understand what had happened to me.I understand now, I understand all the bad things happened to me to make me grow, maybe to make me grow quicker than others, I know I have learned so much in just a few years that it takes a lifetime for others to learn.I want to be thankful.
I want to be better
I want to like myself
I want to be happy
I have met the greatest guy now, someone who I wondered existed, someone who I hoped did, but I gave up that hope a long time ago, and then he walked in.
It's been hard for me being with another guy after all the bad things that have happened to me before, but he is so good and nice and he tries to help me.
I am trying to get past the negative beleifs I have in myself and let what he sees of me to become what I see.
But it is hard, but I am trying.
And I pray he has the patience for me, he is everything to me now and the gift he gave me, my new baby oliver.
