My name is Mara Jade.
My Life is in your story books..
My reality is not so different from yours.
"I've seen things most people wouldn't believe.."
.....did you watch "Blade Runner"? That sentence just rings in my mind.
Quote: "I've seen things most people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the coast of Orion. I watched seebeams glitter in the dark off the Tenhauser gate...all those moments, will be lost.. in Time. Like.. tears, in Rain."
The character "Roy Batty" is one of your most amazing. What he says then.. is very true. When you live a life that even YOU are surprised by, you know that on the day you leave this plane of existence.. you will be smiling..
I too have seen many things....
I've seen such beauty, and then such ugliness..
I've seen planets with life so different from us that I couldn't begin to explain it, I've seen the power of the dark-side, and witnessed its wrath, felt its force within me.
I've experienced the feeling of strength in victory, seen the tears of those defeated..
...I've watched cities crumble, worlds colide, and people submit to the will of the once great Empire..
I've watched worms rise to the top while the great fell behind and were forgotten.. I've seen children run from Imperial storm troopers while rebels shot at us from the shadows.
I saw the insignificant become the winners and conquerers of that Empire.
I watched my life begin as a dancer in a court, ......then form into the life of a spy and Emperors Hand..
I saw the smile of someone I truly loved as a father to me, become the smile of my greatest enemy.
....one who took me from my parents, my possible destiny, one who molded my life and my mind as a child without consent, one who fooled me into believing what ever I was told by him.
And Now I've seen even more.. I've witnessed unconditional love between son and father, I've seen what it is like to be "no one" when you were once great.. I know what it is to lose and what it is to conquer.
I've seen the power within all of us... the Force within those gifted with it... The connection that binds all of us... Jedi, Sith, lost, found, of this galaxy or the next...
I've fought worthy opponents ... those who should have taken my life.. and yet, I felt the force choose the path we both would follow....
Yes I am proud of my Life.. though it is far from typical.
As EMPERORS HAND, I was so filled with determination, and excited to be doing my JOB.. doing what Master expected of me, what I did the best.. the best of anyone.
I WAS "the best". No one compared to me.
I remember rushing into homes on far away planets I had never seen before with troops behind me whose faces I could not see..... it was just a blur of black and white.
I would venture off when task was done... when I could, after completing a mission.. and try to find solice, solitude.. and I would see these planets I was new to...
This was when I would witness the Beauty so many of them had. All so different, all so "Unique".
In the Empire no one is "Unique". Everyone has their place, their duty, their USE.
I however knew that I WAS Unique. I was different... and I was better. I knew this because I felt it.. in my soul.
I had my job, my use, but I truly exceeded my Masters expectations time and again......
That "blur of black and white" in the Imperial Army became exactly that.. Life became "black and white". There was NO Grey.. except in me, though I denied it.
I believed only darkness was my path to strength.. I now have learned of the Jedi ways.. and the ways of light.
I look back and see how my life was almost planned.. I mean something to the force.
I seemed to have the Force with me in such a strong way that I was able to survive many deaths and wake up alive....to get out of so many captures, so many threats, and still I went on.. still alive.
I even made it out alive when the Empire fell.. but then, Years went by when I couldn't remember anymore why I ever thought I was "unique".
Working for a smuggler and climbing his chain of command was easy.. the hard part was meaning. What did I "mean" anymore?
Now that I had no Master, no duty, no "use" in a great and powerful army.. who was I? No one? Here I was in the galaxy that I come from... able to rest more, sleep more, take my time and even waste my days.. and yet, something was gone. My purpose.
Without a Purpose, a job, a name, a title... I had to remove my own Masks... and find out what remained...
....this was my Saber then.. my natural Beam (reflecting my spirit) came out Purple...
Now I hold a Blue blade, Anakins blade, given to me by Luke.. the dark Lords son.
..I remember a different time though.. one when I was lost, confused, and yet so bitterly determined to set things right...... "You will kill Luke Skywalker".
THAT was the last thought "Master" sent to me.. right as he died. The Nightmares, the Pain.. all sent to curse me with those words.. as if it was MY fault that he died at the hands of Skywalker. I wondered time and again if it truly WAS my own fault.. yet I knew, Master was overconfident.. he knew what I told him of Vader and yet he underestimated him... and he underestimated the Force.
Yes, he was Sidious. Your films and movies show him well. A master manipulator, a ruler, a politician, and a "friend" and to me... like a father. This may seem strange to some, but he was the only family I knew.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I remember my real parents very dimly.. I know only that they did not want me to leave the day that my Master came for me.
My mother cried. Yet his eyes.. the eyes of this Sith.. they were so kind, so sure.
I followed him from that day on, and learned that I had to "break my own heart in order to gain the path of understanding".
..Yet, is that really true? Must one be lonley and yearning or deal with past loss or pain in order to gain true insight?
To master, the answer was Yes. The DARKSIDE was the key to all real knowledge and power.. the key to enlightenment.
Enlightenment however does make one think of LIGHT.. and so I did wonder about "The opposites" ..The Light... what was it? Could it ever be as strong as the Darkness that surrounded me every day I woke?
YET I felt the Darkness..... and it's power within, I witnessed my strength grow with it, I mastered the Dark abilities I knew, and kept learning.. with these as my abilities, my ways of survival.. how could I argue?
Remember at that time, there were no Jedi (of the light).. and of course any discovered were soon "Gone". No one dare speak of them.
Yet, there was one who could speak of them.
I would hear Lord Vader speaking of them in a past tense every so often.. as I passed by.. or as I spied on him (as the emperor often had me do).
I wondered how Jedi could rely only on that Light. I wondered what it was like to live that way, and why my Master was able to crush them so easily if they truly were so powerful...
I knew of the prophecy of an "unbalanced time" and that one would come and "bring balance". The answer to the defeat of the Jedi was explained by this..
When asked, Master once explained that he was that "One", and his murder of the Jedi was done to bring that Balance.
Yet all rumor and all information outside of the Empire had it that the chosen one was once found... "Anakin Skywalker" was a Jedi thought to be this Chosen One... a jedi thought dead.. Killed by his Mentor. I knew however that Anakin was alive and well. He WAS Darth Vader.
This was surprising to me the first time that I found out.. yet Vader was different and I always sensed a duality to him...
So knowing he was once though of as the "Chosen One" was all the more reason for me to not trust the Dark Lord..
..Vader spoke of the Force. His Passion and Devotion to the Force was Un-breakable.
Truly he was a power to be reckoned with. I found myself very Jealous of him and for a time that jealousy turned to hate.
I wanted to be at the Emperors side as he was. I was after all "THE EMPORERS HAND". It seemed I did the dirty work.
....Much later I learned of other "hands".. yes others trained like me, yet we did not know of eachother.
I exceeded them in prowess and power, but I never knew I was being lied to or given a 'second class' Title...
What was that Title when others had the same name??
Yes, I learned of lies, deceit, and things that were said to me, things that I believed, that were in reality hateful.
Things that harmed my very soul when I found out the truth...
In the past, I remember wanting Vader to turn on master Sidious...
I always believed there was a duality inside of Lord Vader, and later it was proven I was right...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I remember waiting for the day he would turn on my Master and then be Destroyed.
As "Emperors Hand" I thought I knew that at that moment only I would rule at my Masters side.. only I could take Vaders place.
I knew I could not fight Vader alone.. he was a master at battle.... I heard of his great duel at Mustafar.. and his survival so near to death.. I looked up to that.. honored it.......... "Anakin tells obiwan YOU WILL TRY"picccc
And I was never a complete Sith, or so Sidious would tell me.. I always had more to learn.
Now I realize that if I had become complete as a Sith Lord I would have battled Vader out of pure rage, without thinking.
I had my place. I was a warrior, strong in the Force, and the perfect spy..
Spies, ecspecialy those who were more than spies - those who were Emperors HANDs... need the balance of passion AND clear thought to get the job done without being "noticed"......This is what I believed.
Nothing makes much sense anymore.. I know I was betrayed in so many many ways by this Sith whom I loved as family.
Yet, how can one in the dark-side love? That question haunted me.. The truth? It was a weakness, not love..
It was simple really.. I needed a father as a child and became attached to the Emperor because he was all that I had, and he was capable of giving me so much power.. power to protect myself.. this is what he would say to me.
But it was he who kidnapped me so long ago.. he took what life had for me and changed my fate.. without as much as a thought he lied to me, manipulated and he exploited me. He wanted that weakness, that attachment... that loyalty. ....To USE me.
Yes, the ugliness that you give him in your movies INSIDE and OUT fits him.. He was burned by his own Sith lightning oddly enough... in a battle with a Jedi "Mace Windu" years ago..
Mace was clouded with rage and hatred for master, something that weakens a Jedi, because they are darkside weapons.
..And in the fight Sidious sent lightning to Mace which ironically came right back and onto his face, which was then torn in many ways.
And yes Darth Vader (then Anakin) did save his life that day.. and on that day became his servant and was re-named.
Yet, now I have learned now through your stories and my checking of their validity.. WHY VADER saved Sidious' life that day.. and why he wanted to learn of the Darkness..
He reality then was that he was a man named "Anakin Skywalker"... and at that time he had a wife ... a pregnant wife.. and Most of all he was Jedi, so he Loved, not only did he love his wife and unborn, but his Galaxy and it's future as well.........
....I understand now that his duality was true. He had always planned to destroy my master.. just as I expected.
As I spied I found out that he wanted to Rule instead of Sidious. He considered the galaxy his, and his responsibility.
Yet, he never took a step to do so until his son was grown.. Yes he knew of Luke. I found out that he knew.. and watched as he waited.
Of course my master knew what I knew, and when the time came to tell Vader of Lukes threat to the Empire.. Vader was always able to manipulate a way out for his son. This was extremely frustrating to me at the time.
When I finally did get a chance to destroy Vaders son "Luke Skywalker", my master sent me to Jabba's palace disguised as a dancer "Arica".
I waited and danced for Jabba and his "entourage" ...... and I watched a cloaked Luke try to save his friends with Jedi mind tricks..
I must admit I still grin thinking of that. Such courage and yet so naive.
At the very last moment I was given away.. by a fellow dancer, and not allowed onto the barge where I had planned to fulfill my masters wishes and kill Skywalker.
Jabba lost his trust in me, Luke and his friends got away... I failed. I wondered why the force was not with me on that day.
I NOW know that somehow Lord Vader could sense the future with his power..
..He saw that Luke could truly help him destroy the Emperor and then he planned that they could rule together... as father and son.
....Yet I secretly wanted that for myself.. Sidious was the only father that I knew, and I was a daughter of a great and powerful Emperor. I saw myself this way. It was a Lie, yet it was the reality I walked in every day.
Now time has passed. The "great" Empire is gone.
The future Vader waited for has happened... the balance is restored.. The Force is balanced.. and growing again. Like a forest fire MUST come to keep nature alive and renewed.. Anakin has completed his fate.
..I imagine those days fondly at times. Days of power, glory, duty, and blindness can be sweet...
The price however is very high.. and all that time deep within I knew something was missing.. some part of me. I've yet to completely figure this out for myself.
...Yet, I am Free...
Now, I have found a wonderful light inside people whom I once Truly hated. The children of the Lord Vader have become the closest people to me now.
Yet 10 years ago, after Vader destroyed my Master I was utterly lost. For 10 years I mostly wandered and hoped.
Now after years of being lost after the destruction of that Empire... I've learned things I didn't think were possible OR true.
I see what a "friend" really means after years of not believing in "friends", and what "unconditional" love really is.. I see these things in them.
Anakins love could not be Easily hidden.. it was the source of ALL his passion, all of his power.. LOVE was central to him, even as a SITH for this is where his hatred, Fear, and Anger grew and remained.
This scene where Anakin/Vader is escorting the woman he does not know for sure is his daughter... speaks to us about who was behind that mask.. and how powerful love remained in him even in those days...
....I know Now why Luke saved Lord Vader in the end....
Because he "LOVED" and not just "admired" or needed something from.. his Father.. he did not save him because he has a Use for him.. he saved him because he understood him.. it was love.
All that destroyed the Empire.. was love. There was true Passion. Devotion. Courage.. and the Force was so deeply with Anakin (and his son)... yet in the end it was Love that did it.
I have found records of secret recordings Palpatine/Sidious kept hidden away.. recordings of the time he spent spying on the young man he wanted as his Sith Lord slave...
...BUGS were everywhere...
Leia would be the first to tell you of the bugs found in the TREES in the hallways of where her Senate meets and how much commotion came of getting RID of them. Yes, bugs even I did not know of.
One of them picked up a conversation long ago... one between Padme Amidala (whom he would marry) and Anakin as he escorted her to safety..
Padme asked Anakin about LOVE.. She asked him if he was FORBIDDEN to love. He replied with his own Faith and not with the JEDI code of that day....
...he spoke to her from what he truly believed in his heart..
Quote: "Attachment is forbidden. Possession is forbidden. Compassion, which I would define as unconditional love, is central to a Jedi's life. So you might say that we are encouraged to love.."
...Love.... I don't think I ever knew real Love. No, I didn't. I faintly remember love for my crying mother the day I was taken from them..
I learned to believe that love was truly a painful experience, something to Avoid at all costs, something that will only bring a fall.. something to distract you from your "Purpose".
Now I wonder, what is purpose? If there is no love.. where is passion? IF no passion, why have purpose?
I look back to Lord Vader, and I try to think of him as Anakin Skywalker... Jedi Knight filled with independent Faith..
...A man so filled with Love and the passion of love that he was able to withstand 20 years of what was practically slavery to my Master. He was no one. He was a walking cause and that was all.
He was a waiting Lion, serving a Master he hated more than Life so that one day he could rule in his place and regain some of what he lost...
YES, he was Powerful, he was not to be underestimated, he was MORE than a match for me...
Yet he had no real "name" or selfish reason for serving my Master, as I did. I was given everything.. nothing but the best.. while Vader, he remained a virtual slave.
He had no ability either to see with his own eyes, breathe without the help of a machine, or walk without artificial limbs..
I remember sitting and breathing in the air of the Planets I was sent to.. if only for a moment.. and noticing that beauty.. that unique scent they all had.. and now I look back and remember.. Lord Vader could not do that.
He would do his duty on the same Unique planets, and yet be Denied even the scent of the air.. or the color of the skies.
The hatred inside of him for my Master, since the day he first knelt....
....It must have been stronger than I ever thought.. strong enough to make him the most powerful Sith...
In the end though the truth is, that his hatred stemmed from love.. and love was a Jedi trait.
Vader was both Jedi and Sith in his soul. Yin and Yang you would say here. For one to bring Balance, this to me is a perfect plan for the Force.
This is why I understand the Prophecy of the "chosen one" and that Vader truly was that chosen one.
I cannot understand the strength and FAITH it must take to balance Jedi traits with Sith traits in ones soul.. and live as he did for Years..
Waiting so patiently to make a promise made to a wife long gone.. come true. Telling her he will destroy the Sith.. and 20 years later, doing just that.
I admire now the one that I hated.. the one who killed my Master.
It is strange now isn't it?
..That I look to his memory and to his Children now for the keys to my own future.... I know that his son Luke has much wisdom, (though I will not let him get away with underestimating MY wisdom.)
I learn from Leia.. and her brother. I learn even from Han and all those that they run into, or have connections with. I watch them, and I notice.. this is what it is to be free...
....I wonder what my future will truly bring? Or if I shall be lucky enough to learn more about the Jedi ways.. and become able to balance my sith past with a new Jedi future..
As I go along.. I will tell you what happens next..