I'd like to meet:
.March.25.2009.
The air open to crisp connection of electricity, the thoughts hindered by unadulterated ideals. Slay the wall, contempt with the earth, reach for the birds, envy your neighbor.
.March.22.2009.
Sometimes I bring myself to say something i dont want to... I swallow my pride and just let the words tumble out in hopes to make everything better... it only shows that someone can have control over me, and that is not the situation, nor will ever happen. Alcohol ruins lives.
.March.21.2009.
Wash my hands, i wish to wash my hands of myself. the leopard cant change its spots but they change their colors, keeping the same face just different shades as the leaves turn gold to plumb. i cant handle it, i cant handle the subtle change in my company, i cant handle the chemical reaction, i cant handle the the hands needing to be washed. im a slew of hypocrisy in almost every word that takes flight from my lips, its all to violable for the stamped that's been set. the words: manipulation, con, liar, are synonymous with who i am, who im seen as. ive put stressed relation after stressed relation to the edge of existence, not under conscious thought or exertion. there my spots, they are not leaving, just changing, id like to think that they are going to vanish some day in life and things will be fine, i will act normal, things will come out like how everyone thinks they should. i give up, i did give up, i just endorsed what i had going. its not working, im a mess, and ill i did was push everyone far away from me. people are upsetting, we are all changing, and none of us can handle it.
.Feb.21.2009.
In all of its splendor, I still wish to reverse the passing of age and time. I think im missing the connection in my brain that this isn't right. the dots are not connecting and I keep wishing I was a child.
.Feb.20.2009.
With calmness on my face, my pen bleeds rage; new evidence in the case against my sanity.
My car is a piece of shit.
-Caleb-
.Feb.03.2009.
We once flew war ships, generals and captains we led them. Now the whisper has came, the solemn lips pursed to thought, to see only the barren field. We've been deserted to fly our colors on kites alone.
.Feb.03.2009.
"Whats wrong with you?"
"Let me think about it, ill tell you next time I see you"
.Jan.30.2009.
My Dad wrote me a song tonight and as he put it, songs are just heart ache.
.Jan.29.2009.
I wana see it when the smile peaks on your face, I wana see it when your laugh at the cloudy, breezy, afternoon.
.Jan.28.2009.
Right before I go to bed, I wonder if im satisfied with death if it came tonight. Some nights I sleep sound, others are just sound.
.Jan.27.2009.
When the black creeps in, I like the feeling it leaves in the silence.
.Jan.19.2009.
I have hit a wall. With any luck, my past discipline and curiosity for what the future may hold can be my footholds for summiting this. Until then, my atrophied ambitions wait in their cast.
Today i wept for my big brother and best friend.
-Caleb-
.Jan.10.2009.
"outward appearance like cover on book, is nothing like it seems
we peeled back your skin and queried within to see who you are in your dreams.
today i broke your silence with my thoughts."
the text between quotation marks has heroin in it's veins.
-Caleb-
.Dec.20.2008.
When the whisper comes from under the door the solutions are just sounds. When the wind blows the answers are never found. When its quiet inside thats when I feel the frown.
.Oct.23.2008.
I think it dosent matter where we are, its just the prospect of what we could hold somewhere ells.
.Oct.22.2008.
If you ever wonder what people are saying when you leave the conversation, its not good. Lets face it if they had anything nice to say about you they would have let you known it, looking for the self gratifying indulgence of you thanking them. Phony handshakes, gleemless eyes, plaque smiles, overexerted laughs, a nation of fakes.
.Oct.21.2008.
One time I told myself that I had failed at life, sometimes we revisit that moment twice a day.
.Oct.19.2008.
Once when I was a child, my Mother commented on a man in a movie "feeling his speed". All in one breath I remember clear as how she commiserated and condemned him at the same moment. It could be my resentment against her voice, but ever since that day I have been horrified of drugs.
.Oct.18.2008.
Our time alone, is our time to look within,
Our time to realize what we need for ourselves,
and to turn our energy towards what we want to do with our lives.
Just remember that being without,
only makes us more succeptable to being found.
- http://www.myspace.com/ashuhleey2 -
.Oct.17.2008.
I'm thankful tonight to be the way I am; slim body, good looks, sanity, ambition. These thing that I've just acquired just by being, although they are great, they make me want to jump off a bridge when I see the counter parts. I was gifted, i didnt earn any of it. It sorrows me to see someone struggle with weight, or their sanity.
.Oct.15.2008.
We all have secrets, secret lovers, secret agendas, secret lives that we barley let our selves into. My secrets people tell to me, whispered in the night.
.Sept.6.2008.
Like dark casting shadows of a torn tree, im drawn to your tangled life. Disparage doesn't suit you, shed society's coat they've made for you. Rise above, above destiny, above disease, above judgment, above me. In the mean time till you feel up to the challenge you can crash here, crash in to me.
.July.31.2008.
For a mere passing their eyes locked from across the crowded words. Missed heart beats slowed the thought of a oh so familiar fragrance to the eyes. Her slanted smile stared at the floor trying to regain composure. She rises catch the prestigious grin over his shoulder as he exited the situation. Thinking to himself "I wonder if we've meet before?"
.July.19.2008.
Most of my friends are not really my friends. Not in the sense that you would probably use that title. When it comes right down to it, I dont really think i have anymore friends. Id like to say its not my fault.
.July.14.2008.
You will be ok.
I will be ok.
But we, will not be ok.
.June.17.2008.
Some people cannot control what they are or what they do. Im plagued with deciding, if on that cusp they should be pardoned or face reflex of their actions. Decisions decide outcomes, my decisions decide depriment.
.May.3.2008.
Sometimes it enough, sometimes it more than enough, and sometimes its not enough. As all ways its a means to get through.
.April.8.2008.
They spoke the word "death" from their lips without a blink. The word was as any other verb in their vocabulary, it was all too common. Getting old was all too common for them, soon my name would follow that subtle word and the passing of their age would be chalked one more year.
-My Brother and Grandpa-
.April.7.2008.
At one point in my life i had so much more meaning to uphold to, now i wonder if im worth the phone call.
.April.6.2008.
Northwestern girls, dont mess it up this time, they seem so nice.
.April.5.2008.
The way things are, because the way things were.
.April.3.2008.
We live in a year of sons with no fathers. Loose ends caught on the edge of pentecostal damnation. We live in a decade of hero's built on strife, with plenty to spare. Our daughters are sluts with mother whoring in the closet. A secret nation we lead under the white screens and bleach sheets. A secret life we hide, discreetly trying to piece together showcased faces. I am a sinner, I hide nothing.
.March.18.2008.
she whispered in my ear "your death is intimate". her deep autumn hair subdued the histariea that consumed me about meeting the darkness. her smile full, was the light at the end of my tunnel, in the middle of falling leaves orange and jaded plum. under a canopy of her eyes i saw the letters turning inside, making new words, making a new story, making new life, making something that was more compelling than mine.
.March.11.2008.
True story: Today Andy asked me "Whats wrong?" I replied with "I'm a fucking manic depressive! Everythings wrong all the time, even when everything is perfect."
.March.9.2008.
Some times I stand next to the edge of tall buildings, staring down wakes me up.
.March.8.2008.
My emotions are out of control all of the time. Then the grey fades in.
.February.6.2008.
More than any thing in my life, i despise sleeping alone. I hate it more then going to court, jail, lossing money at the casino... I hate sleeping alone.
.February.4.2008.
Communication is vital as breathing. Whatever means of correspondence we chose, listening to the reciprocation is what will determine the outcome.
.January.28.2008.
They warned me about the day the Siren would call my name, I chose in ignorance to follow it under the water.
.January.31.2008.
Words are plagiarisms, try originality and find the end of time. It is beyond our comprehension.
.January.27.2008.
So the real question is how do we take over our emotions?
-Raffi-
.January.26.2008.
i'm gonna fall asleep until june in hopes for facade of freedom, my eyes should rest untill you wake me. I fear I may never see the light of day again.
.January.22.2008.
For some reason I find that my best thoughts come when im depressed. Is it because I dont like to be alone, so when I am its quiet enough to hear them... I with it was easy to write in the shower, alone, with the wet paper.
.January.18.2008.
Today I saw emotion, a pure affection from one to another. It was so subtle and pure in the touch, that i was envious and flooded with memories.
.January.17.2008.
My absolute biggest pet peeve is lack of communication. In every sense of the term, not communicating feelings, desires, plans, confirmation.
.January.15.2008.
I dont want your fraudulent sympathies, and i dont want your omniscient advice.
.January.10.2008.
I hope one day someone will make a machine that can take me back to childhood.
.January.3.2008.
One time somebody told me that the answers to life where black and white. I slit my wrist to bleed the grey scale of my life all over her. Needless to say she lived the rest of her life in holy evils.
.January.1.2008.
I am a fool of sorts, a jack of all exploitations.
.December.25.2007.
I hate receiving stuff i dont want or need, receiving stuff in general.
.December.19.2007.
Its amazing what people can hide about them selves, and how long they can hide it for. Im still waiting for the best deception to blindside me, like bricks raining from the sky.
.December.18.2007.
Its cold inside.
.December.11.2007.
Originality was lost somewhere inside of me, from the lack of understanding weathered souls. Conformity is emanate, along with growing old.
.December.9.2007.
Friends are like seasons. Each one has their pros and cons, before you know it they're gone.
-Nate-
.December.8.2007.
I am a crusader of sorts, for an arrangement that most have found between themselves and souls. Im not in valor, I despise who I am, I despise who im with, I despise these actions. These things are unobtainable for my lack of concession. I am envious.
.December.7.2007.
The embers are ashing as time is pressing on. The Sun is losing illumination, the flowers have lost their shape, salt has no more taste, even the cold has lost its chill. Life is bland now, phosphor is useless by itself.
.December.2.2007.
Ive filled to many emotional voids for other people, i dont think i know how to function anymore with out filling these voids.
.November.30.2007.
Im a incandescent light slipped in to the northern trade routs. The Pacific is cold, the ocean is dark, but i float lost waiting to wash ashore a Japaneses bulb. The sand is not a comfort but just the next step in coming closer to whatever we are supposed to do
.November.26.2007.
We are all dying. I cant save the dying, I cant even save myself.
.November.17.2007.
Age, the fine barrier of our lives. Its what makes us, divides us, and tells us that we have came to a stand still of nothing. Age, can we stop it?
.November.9.2007.
Some times we lie, we all lie. More times than not, we lie to ourselves, eating every word of it.
.November.5.2007.
I met a woman, hooded in her cloak, I could feel the presence of her bare face. The further she took me from every thing, the further I could not look back. Even the Sirens calling from the sea could not turn my head as I followed her in to the night. I asked her name, she replied “deathâ€.
.October.28.2007.
We all remember people and wonder what there doing, and would love to just sit with them and see what has become of them, but we know what there capable of making us feel and what there capable of degrading us to. So we call it good at just the thought and let a little piece of ourselves go hungry.
.October.26.2007.
The somber effect of silence is almost deafening. Hearing nothing, only makes everything in this room that much louder
.October.25.2007.
The cold came; the days grow longer while the sun sets sooner. Sleeping is a means to pass the time, rather than a dormant stare through a window pain.
.June.7.2007.
I have forsaken you all. The end of the world is coming or has it already passed? I am afraid this will be the end of my entries, and anything having to do with understanding, i know nothing of life.
.June.2.2007.
It rained today. The pitter patter of water droplets hitting the small gathering under the eve brought back the sound of memories lost. The smell filled the air cutting through the smog, and cleansed the heart. I thought of you up close listening to the sound of Bootsy through the window. The combined senses of smell, sound, and feel brought such an overwhelming sense of authentic transpiration when I shut my eyes. Im going to sleep tonight in hopes never to awake.
.June.1.2007.
The slice out of the orange, does that make the orange no longer an orange? If I was to say “bring me an orange†and if you where to bring me part of an orange missing a few pieces, you would rebuttal saying that you have brought me an orange. All the while everyone knows you have not brought me an orange.
.May.31.2007.
Words so bold consist of saturation in ignorance and blindness. Im looking at my self, the hypocrisy I have spewed against, realizing that it is myself that I was fisting with in the mirror. There are no admirable people left, only those who know how speak strong.
.May.30.2007.
We will be replaced by a generation more socially advanced than our selves, until the collapse of structure its self will be under our incapability’s.
.May.25.2007.
There are many who can string grammer together, few who can weave words into tapestry.
-My Mother-
.May.23.2007.
Today when I was painting, I mixed a little balk in with a lighter color to give it some depth. The black ate everything, consuming it all into a dark barley recognizable shade of its former self. No matter how I tried to counter it with a lighter color, it still consumed it all. It seems as if I should have thrown away the whole pallet and started over.
.May.22.2007.
All of my stories as of latly are about people dying. i wonder why i can not get off of this. im not posting any of them up because i feel as if they are all the same.
.May.21.2007.
Saying you would die for somebody is normally just implying that you would take a bullet for them. To truly die for somebody is to let your self die and give up whatever is that you value. Bullets are easy to catch, letting them go is not.
.May.16.2007.
I’m lost, I feel as though the catastrophic event is nearing. Maybe its age, maybe it’s coming to terms with the nothingness that I have become. To be frank it could be the middle ground that the majority of us fall into. The few who take action and didn’t wait for your life to pass by, I envy you. You could think I speak about recourses and living a life of luxury, but I’m talking about the exact opposite. The trip you should off took but didn’t, the girl you should have kissed but shied away from, the fight you should have been in but backed down; this day im not really walking in is here and staring me dead in the face.
.May.15.2007.
The years pass way too quick...it’s not summer that we miss, but those night at the end of summer when we come to that understanding that this is it. This is the closure to another year that we wish we could draw out just a little longer.
.May.14.2007.
Are we all living in dread of what we could have achieved? This could have been unparalleled in greatness, but please never show me the hypothetical outcome.
.May.13.2007.
“Failure is success if we learn from it†Failure has been what makes me who I am now. It is a part of me and I breath it as if its is the substance that keeps me alive. Now I have accomplished all by becoming the incarnate of failure its self.
.May.12.2007.
Think of something original only to realize you’re bland as the numbers that make up time.
.May.11.2007.
I won hard earned casino money today. But more importantly, I think I made up the foundation for lasting relationships with people that matter. More times than not, I have been proven wrong in my judge of character.
.May.10.2007.
I feel as though my thoughts are so vibrant in this room, these night walks are constantly flooding the gates of perception. If these thoughts, these revelations are so vivid, so controversial, why does this key board suck depth out of them?
.May.9.2007.
Why is the absence of possession make owning all the more important, only until the accomplishment has been shaded with the fading of time.
.May.05.2007.
There was a contemplation, a sudden smack in the face. My own philosophies are only words that are not applied to my actions. After today, it might be time to cut my hair.
.May.04.2007.
im going to leave on this.......If she calls i will answer it is debt to myself that I must answer. but nor will i manipulate the situation at hand into my favor. as much as it kills me to do so, cause i know my silver toung, and i know of its power. but if this is what i can do for her, to let her travel a path with a stranger. I will let my self die for her.
.May.03.2007.
The words creep up inside of me, coming out in water droplets down my check. Splashed on to the motionless hand at the paper. There is no need to share. Im just enjoying.
.May.02.2007.
If I could teach one thing, it would be selflessness. Unfortunately I do not know if i can become it, before I teach it
.May.01.2007.
Take pride in your eyes shaded in lambs wool. The nirvana of your guilelessness, is priceless to not know the world.
.April.30.2007.
Her smell lingers in my mind, but today I thought I had smelt it with my nose. Quickly, I turned to survey everything around, to see if she had been there. Alas, it was a foolish thought. Months ago, by accident I washed her last remaining clothes that I had. The smell is now lost.
.April.27.2007.
Tragic, Tragic as sun when it comes out just to remind us that we are still alive. It should have been a beautiful day, but sorrow has blotted out the light.
.April.26.2007.
The conversation of a lifetime took place today, between an angel and a mortal. Most of the words where not spoken but simply conveyed through the stars. I have came to terms with the life I have built, and am content with what happened today.
.April.25.2007.
im not joking at all when i say this but there is a child like twinkle in those 2 sets of eyes that is not there anymore.. the day of our innocence has been long departed along with the chastity to our souls. in life we urn to return to the state of a new born, but fall short at our ignorance for the drug of experiance. so our passion for new borns is only the fact that they are exonerated from life with sheets white as snow, and eyes as captivating as the stars.
.April.24.2007.
People lie, its a fact of life. We all do it for the sake of lying. The truth in life has been muted by the white hurricane of minimal deception.
.April.21.2007.
This acid rain, heinous to our health, is all we've ever known. In return it has helped us grow with bullet holes through our kinship. I've flown these kites in city streets.
This gleam of moon has but awakened me from my sleep. I cannot turn back to slumber now. I've flown these kites in fair Verona.
This small flickering fire keeps the underpass light and warm. This is not my home. I've flown these kites in to hostile battle fields.
The sky welcomes its birds to fly so well but refuses to let my feet release the ground. I've flown these kites off of sky scrapers.
This life is full of hardship, and not many will survive the souls frontier. I've flown kites in Hades.
In to kindred hearts and susceptible minds I now release these kites to you.
.April.20.2007.
To all of those who wrote me about my previous entry, I thank dearly. I did not realize there where so many. The decision is still not final one way or another yet. Today I watched “Wuthering Heights†a tragic tale of how a mans malice towards the one he loved consumed him. Well worth the watch.
.April.17.2007.
Yesterday I was brought to the realization that this page holds more evil than the demons in hell. I might close this page. To those of you who read any of this, send me a mesage (not a comment), if i sould leave this open. More so if you are one of those people who told me i have affected you.
.April.15.2007.
These formalities that we have entered into are some of the most troublesome/confusing situations that i should not have to deal with. I write every day this profession of love in to a blank open field out of respect to the one reader that it matters the most. This broadcast to hundreds is openly, never knowing if the one it is written from/to has received it. In return these entries have annihilated any romantic intrigue that i could have entered into, full of lies and a jaded heart. These are the formalities it has been brought to. If you can do better why do you look? Why has this turned in to the cold war? i have came to an understanding of my solacement and heartache. Now all i am waiting on is time. I do not think that time will come, because i am still waiting with an open door and a tattered heart.
.April.14.2007.
There is a formidable expression that is lingering in the back of my head. Its daunting me, in the fact that I find my self randomly calling out the fragment of thoughts. Maybe one day I will be able to piece these intrigues, these thoughts, these revelations, into one solid conciseness. Until then I am left with no one understanding, unless they have the power to spiritually feel what I am emitting.
.April.13.2007.
One time when i was a kid i got a ticket for riding my bike in the middle of the night. At that point i knew that life only provided spiteful people. Only a few years later i now wish that my conceitedness was eradicated, that i could be truly happy for those around me.
.April.9.2007.
I have lost the purpose of what I thought I was achieving. Do remind me of why I exist. Oh yes that's right, there is no reason.
.April.6.2007.
I was fired a few days ago, my lack of respect for every thing around me is coming to a blunt evaluation of myself. Although my actions have been of compromise of lately, they where not enough. This world of labor and hardship is disconcerting and i will find a different way to enjoy all the luxuries of life, i seem to think i have paid my dues.
.April.3.2007.
War stimulates the economy. Make war within our selves, stimulate the redemption growing from the hope of mustard seeds.
.April.2.2007.
There was a boy trying to love, but not in love. There was a girl hurt and trying not to be hurt. Only together can they cure each other. She was as beautiful as the gleem in the moon and he was as passionate as the fire in the sun. This is why the sun chases the moon around the earth, and once they find each other time will stop and the world will be torn apart.
.March.31.2007.
I am envious. Today good friends of mine came to see me at the restaurant, I asked them what there plans where for the evening, and with great excitement they told me about all the TV they where going to watch together. I am envious cause once I only cared to do nothing more than to just watch TV with the one I love.
-Romean and Katie-
.March.30.2007.
The dawn rises daily and sets a long casting shadows when it falls. Everyday this happens and everyday we do not take the time to see the sky and what it became on that day. So speak with exuberance cause maybe tomorrow the sun will not rise and the choice will no longer be ours to take part in the sunset.
.March.29.2007.
There is always a second place in life. Without this second place there would be no first place. Take comfort in knowing that your making somebody else happy in first place.
.March.27.2007.
There is a barrier between our digital selves and the person we are known to be. The reflection upon what I should be and what I am are north and south.
.March.26.2007.
Love is a roulette game, very rarley do you hit the inside, but when you do it pays big. Chose your numbers wisely. (i also wish i could spell)
.March.25.2007.
There is a fine line between goals and greed. Is a goal not self improvement once it is impractical? Never settle for less and live poor. (I lost 9500 at the casino today)
.March.22.2007.
There was a spot today where I thought I might of accomplished a feat thought not possible for me. Then I realized this testament is probably false and once again I have accomplished nothing.
.March.21.2007.
To love one is simple, may be strenuous at times. But to be loved takes a sea of will to accept it.
.March.20.2007.
Shes turned into something more beautiful than I could have imagined. I should have followed.
.March.19.2007.
There has been a haze lately between the paper and I. I went to write a word but stopped once the pen hit the paper. It sat bleeding over the lines and making a mess of everything. After realizing what had happen, I found it appropriate and left it.
.March.18.2007.
There was a great purging of memories, a wall suppression, and then to my surprise they where back again. This time stained with bewilderment of why they are still lurking in the wrinkles of freshly pressed sheets.
.March.16.2007.
My understanding is that real friends do not exist and the acquaints we know are only looking for something they can take from us. I give my all into few and take from many. I was not born this way but only devitalized from these few.
.March.15.2007.
There was a heart cast in jade, a moment of bliss, but a life time of truth to overcome.
.March.13.2007.
There was a sunset of strangers and by the time that the sky turned velvet and then dark, they where the closest of people. A moment only to be called upon in the midst of photo books reminiscences, with hardy laughs and reenactments told to the “Tâ€
.March.12.2007.
I saw eyes blue and deeper than my own, a voice of a dreamer, and the face of ivory. Today my friend I meet an angel that I will probably never come across again. Ironic how paths can cross and be gone so quickly, I'm am making it a new point to grasp everything that is set in front of me.
.March.11.2007.
There was a wall that could not be crossed, a obstacle that is in most paths. A stranger provided a foot hold, you provided a grappling, and a friend provided nothing. Only in faith together did they overcome.
.March.10.2007.
Letters to no one that live nowhere, do they have as much meaning as letters to somebody somewhere..a word written but never read..is it still of any significant value? In a day where paper is outdated and a pen is foreign, I think even letters read don't have any value at all.
.March.9.2007.
I got drunk for the first time ever last night...im still feeling it...kristina you suck..
.March.8.2007.
The key to unlocking the future lies in the past. Lay the bricks of progress with care for the dog eared corners those bricks have came from...
.March.7.2007.
And then there was an abundance of silence, the kind that makes the walls talk. The narrow dimly lit path to the door was obstructed by the calamity of leaving. Maybe tomorrow I will find my way out, until then these conversations will do.
.March.6.2007.
The lines on the paper to help guide you only seem like restraints against life. To those of you who draw on notebook paper I commend your liberation.
.March.5.2007.
These white walls remind me of the inexpressive souls that daily refuse the right to shout to the heavens and claim the ebullience that we repudiate daily. This is the life we have been given, our coarse is ambiguous or as defined as we mold it.
.March.4.2007.
I have lost myself, lost in the tidal wave of beguile and desertedness. My actions I wish where not my own and the correction of these travesties where already tergiversate. I am who I am, and only myself can understand.
.March.3.2007.
The transcending need for one has not been surpassed by the want for many, or has it. The discussion of serenity form Serenity has been brought back in to the open again. I fear it is out of tedium only. Hurts a little less every time.
-What hurts more is I would still die for you-
Armor for Sleep.
.March.2.2007.
The spirit of one is amazing. The spirt and hope of many is awe-inspiring. The connection of two spirits worlds apart, yearning to be with each other at the same moment in time is a formidable overwhelming flood of emotion. Capable of moving the moon from its course.
.March.1.2007.
Who is there to tell you that you have made it to your destination in life? Maybe there is no utopia, and the distant picture that you have painted is shared by you alone. So carry on living your lie and knowing that you will never make it to your objective.
.February.28.2007.
I look at the vanity around me, I see that it sucking me in by the toes. This acrimony towards these people, I question if it is the desire to walk in their shoes. I pray not to become the egocentric people that I see everyday.
.February.27.2007.
The day of the dead is arisen hourly in our hearts, let the pass come to passing and the present take precedence. The words you have spoken are only distant lies and the words your are about to speak are premeditated calumny. Come closer to the reality that is here.
.February.25.2007.
The door of progress and aptitude is wide open, but the windows of successes are shut. They are there only to look through. After having a conversation with some one who want to become a dancer I realized all of our hopes and dreams are only ours and will never be fulfilled to there fullest potential. Heres to the path of failure, may it be the best part of our lives.
.February.24.2007.
Some of the closest people I have ever encountered in life I did not have that much in common with. Which only leaves me to believe that appearance makes the heart grow fonder, and serenity in a relationship is a myth.
.February.23.2007.
My greatest Love has been created from some of the most aggravation. I find the greatest enemy, is also my greatest confidant. Now I wish I never made the turmoil, and to take back the years of quarrel. The Love I seek you have provided.
-Written to my family, I miss you terribly.-
.February.22.2007.
God is willing to forgive us for all of our debts, and give us everything he has to offer, if we are only willing to take it. Imagine how God must feel when we do not receive it? I feel this pain. God, I am sorry for causing it.
.February.21.2007.
The words to convey this sense of exsanguious energy spent on people who just didn't care, or didn't care exceedingly, is beyond my vocabulary. I give my all time and time again, till conceitedness seems to be the only answer. Ostentation is for that of people who are used.
.February.20.2007.
I guess it doesn't matter what to do with her words, the creep of solitude has already begun its chess game over my soul. I am truly a lost cause in life, my entity is grown weak and I can not deal with the constant rejection and reconciling with all the people I love and care for. So her words hold vigor, but with no action they are only words and actions speak louder than words.
.February.19.2007.
In the mist of everythinig that has happened I recived an unexpected phone call from Serena today after months of silence. Simillar to a conversation that was had lastnight with two other people (ironic). The cycle of self destruction has started overagain. For those of you who dont know, this body is the living proclamation and testimoney to her. "Your in my pillows, your in my sheets, these nights arnt easy, this is not easy" - oh doctor-
.February.18.2007.
The need to feel wanted in a world of dispensable people. Your words alone are not that of valor, but only to cover the protruding horns from your own insecurities of letting go. Love is a figment long lost for many, never to be visited again. So take comfort in the understanding of one who is willing to write a new page in the sonnet of your life. (written to you, you know who you are)
.February.17.2007.
In leu of my entries I have filled my life as of recently with an agent of serum to rectify this anti-social disorder, in which has only hindered the realm of my thinking. The introvertness that characterizes who I am has only driven me further from the stage of reality and out of the kindred hearts of many. I do not try and hurt or aggravate the ones I hold dear but I find myself constantly mutilating connections I have with people I care about.
.February.13.2007.
I am nothing of what i could have been. the words i use are not my own but the words of thousands. this clairification of mind is only the waste of what runs through the streets. i am not to admire to i am not to aspire to but only a kid with a pen and a crushed heart. Trying to build a new.
.February.12.2007.
The people I know in life are all liars..I have not heard the truth from anyone in a long time. The world grows darker, but the ashes of burnt words on paper keeps a glow against the path.
.February.11.2007.
Today a table asked me if I believed in marriage. At first I stumbled at the question that was so easy to answer before, but now seems so distant. I came to the conclusion that most people in life race to the point of merry contentment only to realize the hazed delirium that glooms over there heads. The world seems so cold these days, that the charade seems inviting.
.February.10.2007.
I feel as though the caliber of my words have lost there definition along the way. My point has been trampled in a stampede of analogies, only to lose the corespondents in confusion of what this is all about. If I only had this crowds attention for a while longer I could explain what everything is all about. This is how I feel talking to people around here.
.February.9.2007.
I read someones blog today about how they have had there heart broken and swear that valentines day is the devil. It only reminded me of the selfish searching for self fulfillment of our hearts. We spend all of our lives looking for our counterpart and when it comes we let it go out of fear. Fear of being crushed again, fear of scepticism, fear for loss of freedom. She made me wish I had the answers, answers to/for myself.
.February.7.2007.
So a friend of mine went to jail for a couple of weeks for driving on a suspended license. It only awoke the severity of my actions if I was to get caught..this step towards the quest of respect and justness only hinders my path of growing up.
.February.6.2007.
My insecurities own me...my quest for others knowledge is not of valor but only insight to the mirror in which I can see myself.
.February.5.2007.
Am I a sukker for beliving people and trusting everybody? Want to see sombody right now, and thinking about going there.
.February.4.2007.
Saw mother today...It was good to know we could get along for a while...she refused to tell me why my little brother cant come see me. Met the coolest person today.
.February.3.2007.
I had a conversion that opened the rocks at the end of my tunnel, pulling my mind from the manic-depressive state that I've been in for so long. I know that this solution is only temporary. I don't look around to realize the rest of the cave falling down, I can stay here for a while. But I know the solution is only fictional, and never going to happen but to see it even discussed was enlightening.
.February.2.2007.
I was told today that the person I was seeing lost intrest because I was too nice. What type of bull shit is that? My entire life ive been dumped over and over for Assholes, and then the reason is "you where a jerk to my friends". And then I have a life changing experince and all of a sudden now its because "your a nice guy"? Im at a loss of word except fot the fact that I must be horibble in bed...
.February.1.2007.
Today I relized "I suck at life"!! Everything that I could have been good at, im not. Everything I thought I was good at, im not. Quiet literly I am not good at anything..Relationships, Music, Talking, Friendships, Sex, Work, Thinking, Hustling, Speakers. People in life are either compleatly usless or rise above, I might as well have a bullet in my brain.
.January.31.2007.
People are fake to themselves and deny who they really are but only put there personalty on the back burnner. After coming to terms with thier soul and the lies they have created about there own lives, can they blossom and stop wasting the caring time of those around them. Where is ones true motives? No one will ever know not even themselves.
.January.30.2007.
Today I found a hair in my room. This hair was much longer than mine and was hidden in a corner, needless to say the hair has been there a long time. The significants of something that is so weak and transparent, can hold as much passion and meaning as the pacific ocean. Its sad, I wish I never found this hair.
.January.29.2007.
I find my self with the strange attraction to old women (37-48). Their posture about them and the confidence is refreshing, only complimented by their sense of style and class. Also today I realized I am vain. I wish I wasn't.
.January.28.2007.
Today I made cookies, it was something filled with memories that I shared with a lot of people I might never see again (my grandmas, old gfs, friends and family), the sense of urgancy to grasp what is left of the people that are still here is evading me by a whirl wind of discontent. So I turn my face till the day I awake and add to the list of regret the moment that I did not save.
.January.27.2007.
I have more records than I know what to do with, I will never listen to half of them. I love music, wish I could produce it from an inturment. Another night of solitude with listening to nobody but the needle.
.January.26.2007.
In the middle of the night I awoke only to relize that I am alone with my thoughts clear as day. I can no longer go back to sleep.
.January.25.2007.
Brandons car alarm works but no door locks
.January.24.2007.
Today I had a run in with somebody who loves to make me feel like the scum of the earth for loving her. I wish I had the power to forget peoples faces.
Sonnet of Devastation
- My name is Joe.
I live in Kitsap, but you see me in Seattle
I live for blog comments.
I make it a point to talk to you if you show your face
If you read something leave a comment, even if all it is "I read this".
Im allways down to meet people in the person.
Im kindda at a fun spot in my life despise how gloomy it looks
BUY ME HERE