Jack Bauer.....what? He's not real? That's too bad. Dammit, we're running out of time, you have to trust me. If Jack Bauer were a burger at McDonald’s, he’d be called the McDeath. I pledge allegiance to Jack Bauer, of the Los Angeles Counter Terrorism Unit, and to the country for which he kills; one man, under none, invincible, with torture and pain for terrorists. If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12". Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys. When Jack Bauer used Herbal Essences, the shampoo had an orgasm. My husband doesn't wish he was Jack Bauer. He wishes I was Jack Bauer. There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths. The "Smoothie" was invented when Jack Bauer needed information from a banana. When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, "You're in good hands with Jack Bauer". When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal. Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him. Jack Bauer often stands in front of his microwave and yells "WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME" while waiting for his Top Ramen to cook. Jack Bauer was actually named after the verb of the same name; i.e. to Jack Bauer someone's ass. Oh, and James Roday. And my new boyfriend Kyle Schmid. And my future husband Tony Romo. (Well, one of my future husbands.)