Church of Jeebus

Welcome to the Church of Jeebus' myspace page! We are a spiritual place of praise and worship dedicated to worshiping our Lord and Savior Jeebus.
Visit our new church website ( churchofjeebus.blogspot.com ) to hear directly from our holy prophet of Jeebus, Pastor Billy!
Praise Jeebus!
THE STORY OF JEEBUS
The Story of Jeebus is the most holy and inspirational text in all the world! Read this sacred scripture and let Jeebus come alive inside of you.
THE BEGINNING
In the Beginning there was space, there was gas, and there was dust. The space and dust swirled together in beautiful shapes. Over eons and eons God majestically formed through the midst of the space and dust by random mutation of quintessence. God was invincible, invisible, immaterial, omnivorous, omnipotent, and omniscient, but He mostly dwelt in Heaven, which was a very special and nice place. Next, God created light in the universe. Although, there were no stars yet, but alas – behold God can do anything He wants! So, He created light. God enjoyed the light and He watched the dust and gas swirl around and make beautiful shapes. He thought the swirling gas and dust were really far out. However, eventually looking at the swirls got a little bit old. So God created beer, and the beer was good. God made many different kinds of beer and He drank it all the time. Eventually, however God got tired of beer and made drugs to smoke and other drugs to hallucinate with, and they were good. God could do all the drugs He wanted without any negative consequences because He was invincible. He watched the swirls of gas and dust make really cool shapes, and He just sat around in Heaven chilling out.
God was really holy, but God was lonely and getting a little bored. God also wanted a female companion to have sexual relations with and to bear him offspring through quintessential fertilization. He created a beautiful female god and named her Fembo. Fembo was so wonderful to God. She always pleased him in every way. Fembo even realized how much it would mean to God if he could have sexual relations with multiple women.
“God,” she said, “why don’t you create for yourself numerous concubines to please your omnipotence.”
“I thank you, my beautiful Fembo, and I hope you will join me and my concubines in Heavenly copulations.”
So God created many female concubines, and he dwelt in paradise. He created them so they would not get pregnant, for Fembo was the only deity with a vagina worthy of bearing the Son. Soon Fembo came to God at told him she would be bearing him a child. God used his x-ray vision to look into Fembo’s womb and he saw that she was going to bear him a daughter. God, did not want this so He quickly finagled with her uterus and turned His offspring into a son.
While God was patiently waiting for His first son He created some things in the universe out of the gas and dust. He created the earth, and the sun, and the moon. He created billions of galaxies each with billions of stars in them. God went a little overboard in creating so much. He realized that he wanted to create beings that were made in His and Fembo’s image, but He didn’t want them to have all the power that He had. So God created man and woman. He placed them on a planet in the Milky Way galaxy orbiting the sun called Earth. He realized he had to make things interesting for these inferior and sub-optimal beings so He created animals, and plants, and bacteria, and rocks, and rivers, and oceans, and mountains, and grass, and weeds, and shrubs, and dinosaurs, and flowers, and plains, and lakes, and everything else we see here as well, God created it all.
THE BIRTH OF JEEBUS!!
As He was finishing His creation, God heard Fembo going into labor. She was screaming and writhing in pain. She asked God to make the pain stop, and He did because He remembered how wonderful she was for always cooking and cleaning for him, and for letting him create all those concubines. So God gave her some of the drugs he had created and this soothed the pain of Fembo. She bore him a son. God looked at his one and only son and decided to name him Jeebus.“Behold my son, the one and only, Jeebus, who shall be a greater god than me some day! Let every man on earth worship Him, or face my wrath!”
God looked upon all of His creation and saw that it was decent enough. God wanted people to die so that He could filter out the bad ones and send them to Hell. He had not sent Jeebus to the world yet, so at this time He decided himself who got to get into Heaven. God worked on making Heaven a really cool place. It was a place where people could have all the sex, drugs, beer, games, friends, music, and entertainment that they wanted, and no matter how much fun they had they would never be harmed by it. God wanted only cool and mellow souls in Heaven. This meant that He had to create Hell for all the souls He did not want to hang out with for eternity. As God looked upon His creation He decided to create two subdivisions of Hell for people to go to.
The first subdivision was for people who were angry or violent offenders of existence. This is where murderers, rapists, child molesters, and other such characters go when they die. These were lost souls who had no hope of living the good afterlife in Heaven because they were assholes. God created Satan to rule over this area of Hell. Satan was big and red and had horns. He beat and tortured people in Hell for all eternity. He was really mean.
The other subdivision of Hell was for false believers. God created Jesus, Moses and Mohammed to rule separate factions in this area of Hell. These three leaders would spring up from the depths of Hell to deceive all of creation. They would form their own followings and teach their followers to be lame and not have any fun. They would also incite enmity for all other systems of belief. These three factions would fight brutal wars on earth, and wars between them would often break out in Hell. God made these three false prophets to test His creation. All three were false prophets, but one, Jesus, was the most successful emulating Jeebus and deceiving the world into believing that he was the son of God. But he was not! Do not be deceived by Jesus, or any of these prophets, for Jeebus is the one true God! Anyone who does not believe in Jeebus will suffer eternally for it!
God saw it fit to send Jeebus to earth to tell everyone about Him, and how if they followed Jeebus, they could go to heaven and have a good time forever and ever. So He pushed Jeebus back up into Fembo’s vagina and sent her to earth on the North American continent disguised as an Indian to let Jeebus out of her vagina there on earth. Soon after arriving on earth Fembo went behind a tree and let Jeebus out of Her holy vagina. Jeebus sprang out fully grown, and Fembo died in the process and went back to Heaven to be with God. A boy from the tribe saw this and went and told everyone. The village was alarmed that a man could spring from a woman’s vagina fully grown.
Jeebus told them all that He was the Son of God, and that they must worship Him to obtain the eternal rewards of paradise. He told them all about God and Heaven and Hell and everyone in the tribe believed and worshipped Him. Jeebus then healed the sick of the tribe, and then told them He must go and tell everyone else about how He was the Son of God and what they must do to get to Heaven. So He went all around the Americas telling everyone, and many believed and were saved, and some did not and they paid dearly for it when they died. Jeebus was very attractive. He was always getting many people to get on their knees and please Him. The details of His adventure on earth were all set down in stone by the prophets of the time.
However, God told Jeebus that He must die a painful death so that everyone can be saved. It wasn’t clear why He needed to do this since God should be able to just save everyone if He wants to, but God said so, so that settles it. So Jeebus went back to the tribe who saw Him come out of Fembo’s vagina and told them they must eat of His flesh and drink of His blood for their nourishment. So, all the tribe’s people took turns each taking a bite off of Jeebus and getting a good gulp of His blood. He then said He must die, but that He would return and take all the believers up into Heaven with Him. All the people then got on their knees to please Jeebus one last time. He then ordered the strongest men of the tribe to carry Him to the murky river and cast Him into the mouth of Sebastian the swamp crocodile. They did this and all watched as they fed Jeebus to Sebastian.
He suffered miserably for several minutes and all the tribe’s people wept for days, but because they believed they all saw Jeebus in Heaven after they died. Jeebus shall return one day to save us all! Be ready, for Jeebus is coming soon!