Here's a few Housisms for you:
"The only thing I hate more than a thief is a crippled thief."
"Hey, you can't yell at a guy in a wheelchair."
"You guys are still thinking like doctors when you should be thinking like plumbers. Come on, I wanna see some butt crack."
"My life is just one horror after another."
Cuddy: "Is that Vicodin?" House: "Breath mint. Thought you were going to kiss me."
"You've never seen an after school special? Dawson's Creek? How do you get to thirty and not know about condoms?"
"If we were to care about every person suffering on this planet, life would shut down."
"If you called to see the design of my prison tats, they're still at R&D."
"When I lead the big patient rebellion, Voldemort here is the first to go."
"Thanks. I was running short on platitudes. You can leave now."
"I told you never to call me when I'm on trial."
Tritter: "Merry Christmas." House: "Happy go to hell."
"I thought I'd get your theories, mock them, then embrace my own. The usual."
"Can we forget my vices and get back to my virtues."
"This thing won me second place in the clinic's weekly 'Weirdest thing pulled out of an orifice' contest."
"If I'm in a buttload of pain, I need a buttload of pills."
"Good thing you failed to become a mom because you suck at it!"
"Party of Five! Powerful stuff. The OC of its day."
Cameron:"You okay?" House:"Hurt my shoulder playing fantasy football."
"Okay, fine. I'll father your child. But first you gotta write me a Vicodin prescription. Just so I can get through the foreplay."
"There are reports out of South Africa about a pill that'd temporarily revive someone in a vegetative state. We've all seen Awakenings. It made me cry. I wanna cry."
"Everything's conditional. You just can't always anticipate the conditions."
"Quick, what's the status? I gotta get back to our sleeper before he goes looking for the orgasmatron."
"Deep inside, Wilson believes that if he cares enough, he'll never have to die."
"Is Salma Hayek from Mexico or Spain?"
"Kids these days. Got no respect for other people's property."
"It's probably her mom. I bet she's huge. She is from the Midwest. Since when do you eat beets?"
"You get married at twenty, you're going to be shocked who you're living with at thirty."
"Sorry. I already met this month's quota of useless tests for stubborn idiots."
"Twenty-year olds fall in and out of love more often than they change their oil filters. Which they should do more often."
Foreman: "I had a date last night. She screamed too. You think we should spend a hundred thousand dollars testing her?" House: "Of course not. This isn't a veterinary hospital. Zing!"
"Go up his rear and get a smear. Which reminds me, kinda feel like a bagel."
House: "After that look, I'm feeling a little frisky and looks like you're up." Cuddy: "I'm ovulating. Let's go." House: "The frisky, it went away."
"Take this four times a day. And stay off airplanes. They're flying cesspools."
"Somehow I just can't imagine you taking a Jell-O shot."
"I try to kill him, you're mad. I don't kill him, you're mad."
"I'm a cripple, remember? Accommodations must be made."
"Is this an intervention? You're a little late, since I'm not using drugs anymore. I am, however, still hooked on phonics."
"The kid is having nightmares. Only happen at night. It's right there in the name."
"She was being metaphorical. She was trying to sound like me. I have no idea what you meant, but I could smell what the Rock was cooking."
"Why don't I have high-def in my office? I'm a department head."
Cuddy: "Why did you." House: "Why does a dog lick its workplace-acceptable euphemism for testicles?"
"Oh, I stuck that primo! How rad am I?"
Cameron: "You're lucky he didn't die." House: "I'm lucky? He's the one who didn't die."