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I'm a thinker, learner, teacher, and observer. I don't depend on others to make me happy because you never truly know when they could turn their backs on you. I've only got one life to live and I'm not going to waste the time I have trying to impress others. Friendship, love, fun and happiness are the things I live for. Fuck expectations and have a good time.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.
There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
Save a tree. Eat a beaver.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Don't steal. The government hates competition.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
When at the movies...
- Throw popcorn in the air and yell, "It's snowing!"
- Sit front row, the minute the movie starts run out screaming.
- Pass around a collection plate and see if anyone contributes.
- Pour water in hand, make sneeze noise, throw water on back of person's neck.
- Bring a book and a bright light. Start reading the book with the light on. When someone asks you to turn out the light, yell, "Shh, I'm trying to read!"
- Get up frequently and leave the room while singing "Let's all go to the Lobby"
- Play musical chairs, getting up frequently and moving right next to someone sitting by themself.
- Laugh hysterically during the sad parts in the movie, cry during the funny ones.
- Chew on your arm until someone notices.
When at a swimming pool...
- Stand on top of the high board and say you won't come down until your demands are met.
- Ask people if they have seen your pet shark.
- Take a really long time when you are on top of the high dive and then act as though you were pushed off.
- When in line, ask strangers if they think invisible people get a discount.
- Play Marco-Polo by yourself.
- Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters lately.
When in an elevator...
- Call the psychic hotline on your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
- Announce in a demonic voice: “I must find a more suitable host body.”
- Ask, “did you hear that cable snapping sound?”
- Bring a chair along.
- Challenge people to games of hide-and-seek.
- Collapse on the floor when the elevator goes up, then get up and look embarrassed.
- Say out loud, "I've just been treated for tapeworms."
- Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: “Got enough air in there?”
- Draw a volleyball on the wall of the elevator and insist you have been trapped in there for 3 months. Formally introduce everyone to the volleyball!
- Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, “That’s mine!”
- Say to random passenger, "Can you believe they only gave me three years for killing my own sister?!"
- Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
- Guard the button panel so no one can touch it. Growl and bite at anyone’s fingers who attept to cross you.
- Hold the elevator door open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, “Hi John, how’s your day been?”
- Introduce yourself as Ochenga-Wangaa The great chief and begin telling stories of your native island.
- Lick gummy bears and stick them to things (the walls, the buttons, the passengers, etc.)
- Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
- Meow occasionally.
- Move your desk in to the elevator, and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
- Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock.
- Say, while holding a paper with DANGER: OUT OF ORDER written on it, “I wonder why this was glued on the door when I came in.”
- Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
- Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce “I’ve got new socks on!”
- Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: “Wanna see wha in muh mouf?”
- Tell the passengers not to worry. The bomb won't go off for at least another two minutes.
- When the doors open, pretend you did it with your mind.
- Walk on with a cooler that says “human head” on the side.
- Wear a puppet on your hand and make it talk to other passengers.
- When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
-Walk in circles. Change directions when you hit a passenger.
- Say to a passenger, "My psychiatrist says that flying helps offset my desire to mutilate small, defenseless, woodland creatures."
- Mention, "If I go unconscious just stick your finger down my throat - that'll wake me up."
Icons.
Love and savor, bitches.
s
Like A Stone