Chico profile picture

Chico

I'll teach your grandmother to suck eggs!

About Me

You know how sometimes when you're taking a crap and a really big one comes out and it splashes you and the water hits your ass and it feels really gross but then you end up not having to wipe as much when you're done? That's me in metaphor. You figure it out.
Me = complete adoration for my wife.

My Interests



You're looking at a 3-year-old's first time ever flying a kite. Pretty awesome, huh?

This is probably how every almost-4-year-old should sleep at their Gramma's house.

Just like a real ninja!
This is another potato picture from Hannah. I preferred the other one for the blog, but this one's awesome as well. Note: I asked her to take these potato pictures, in case you were wondering why she took all these pictures of ugly vegetables. She's not abnormally preoccupied with photographing potatoes. I feel she takes a normal amount of potato pictures.

More produce-themed pictures, documenting the Great Produce War of 2007.

I'd like to meet:

My future daughter. I can't wait to see her burst out of her mother, wet and screaming. I'm sooo looking forward to meeting her, that sometimes I sit and talk to my testicles for hours. I know she can hear me - she's in there somewhere.

Music:

Bayside and Muse and The Format. And The Audition.
Music I Don't Like: that new song by Maroon 5, because it sounds like total ass. And when I say that it sounds like ass, I mean that if you found the foulest, most wretched asshole possible, and slapped a pair of lips on it, and it started singing a song of ass, this Maroon 5 song is what it would sound like.

Movies:

I love that movie where that guy (I forgot his name) does this thing, and he's somewhere that kinda looks like this place I saw in another movie, but it's not, and then this lady sees him (I don't remember her name) and she's all like, "Hey! Blah blah blah!" or something like that, and then she shoots him or something, and then he dies, but not really, and then that lady adopts this kid (I think his name was Brian), but he's not a normal kid, he sees things or whatever, and then he sees that guy, 'cause he's not dead, remember? And the kid's like, "What?" and the guy's all like, "Ha! I am going to eat you now!" and then he tries to eat the kid, but the kid's a robot, and the guy ends up breaking a tooth, getting a nasty infection, and dying after it travels up his cranial nerve and gives him encephalitis. Yeah dude, that movie rocks. I also like movies where there's only two characters, and all they do is sit in one setting for two hours, 36 minutes, and 53.8 seconds, and every five minutes they each say one word, and it's all in French, with no subtitles.

Television:

The Office and Grey's Anatomy. And other stuff.

Books:

Nothing; I need to go to the Library.

Heroes:

The Escapist.

My Blog

B Like Boy

We're driving, and his face is quizzical in the rear view mirror, as if he's been puzzling over something and just can't figure it out."Daddy," he asks from his car seat, "why do girls have vaginas?" ...
Posted by Chico on Sat, 22 Sep 2007 01:16:00 PST

My New Dentist

I went to the dentist last week, for the first time in about 7 years. I barely remember my last dentist, except that his last name was Dung . . . I think. Maybe it was Dong. Either way, he had a very ...
Posted by Chico on Sat, 25 Aug 2007 02:25:00 PST

This Is Really How I Talk To My Child

"Daddy, this is the saimin I eat, yeah?""Yes, you eat chicken-flavored saimin.""Do other people eat this too?""Do other people eat chicken-flavored saimin? Yeah, absolutely. Everyone eats chicken-flav...
Posted by Chico on Sat, 28 Jul 2007 02:56:00 PST

Orange Death

It is as I feared: the carrots are preparing for epic conflict.They have caught wind of the death plans of the potatoes. At night, I can hear their infernal war machines, clanking away in the darkness...
Posted by Chico on Thu, 26 Jul 2007 11:29:00 PST

"Homogeneous" Does Not Mean "A Smart Gay Man"

I have nothing against transvestites/transgender individuals. Really, I don't. If you honestly feel like God shafted you in the gender selection process, and you really hate your penis/vagina/both, an...
Posted by Chico on Sun, 17 Jun 2007 01:03:00 PST

The Secret Angst of Potatoes

The potatoes are revolting. Literally.They mutter angry obscenities under their breath, they shoot nasty glances at the other produce  the nectarines were terrified, and begged me to eat them, to end...
Posted by Chico on Sun, 17 Jun 2007 01:14:00 PST

My Broken Left Turn Signal

Our left turn signal is broken. Instead of doing a leisurely, normal 2-clicks-per-second "click-click," it does this insane, 537-clicks-per-half-second "clicka-clicka-clicka." Typing it out does not ...
Posted by Chico on Tue, 03 Apr 2007 01:17:00 PST

Crimson Tide

"Well, at least I'll lose some weight," I thought, as I knelt on our new white toilet rug and projectile vomited my frozen Zippy's No-Bean Chili into the toilet at 11 at night. I was right. I lost abo...
Posted by Chico on Fri, 15 Jun 2007 02:14:00 PST

Cool Things to Hate This Week 11/04/04

I've been noticing a lot of dumb things this past week, and no, I'm not referring to the election. Fuck the election, I'm just glad it's over. I hate having my television shows constantly interrupted ...
Posted by Chico on Mon, 01 Jan 1900 12:00:00 PST

Cool Thing to Hate This Week - 4/08/06

This week, I'm hating satellite TV commercials. I don't have anything against satellite TV itself, but the commercials they're making are trying to convince me that "there's nothing worse than paying ...
Posted by Chico on Sat, 08 Apr 2006 03:32:00 PST