On the current GSHO payrole:
My name is Fanny Felch and I am rotten and proud of it! I am the co-founder of Gay Scene Head Office. Together with my partner in grime, Hilda Hardcore, we have regulated and menstruated over London's gay scene keeping it real, keeping it cool, and keeping it c*nted! GSHO officiates with a well lubricated iron fist and keeps London's girls and boys up to date with weekly Newsletters which you can find in QX magazine(www.qxmagazine.com), educating and entertaining our followers with regular doses of scandal and gossip on the gay grapevine.
Since August 2003 we opened our beef curtains and established our office as the first ever organisation focussing on centralising gay scene governance. What we say goes! And what we don't say no one gives a shi*t about but they still follow our leadership because at the end of the day no one messes with Felch and Hardcore. I am an often vilified celebrity because of my buck teeth and balding head and until my recent extreme makeover I hadn't gotten my legs up since 1962. In my bestselling autobiography 'Sex and The Pity' I told the world about my humble upbringing. As a child I lived on Felch Farm with my parents Cruella and Quasimodo. I was forced to sleep with pigs and eat offal which resulted in a chronic medical condition scientifically referred to as 'shitting the bed'.
Eventually Cruella threw me out, concerned that I ought to go and seek my fortune in London before I was to old to achieve and she needed my room for her bit on the side - she'd been shagging the goat herder since I was in soiled napppies. I fondly remember my mother's parting words ..."Go on, sod off you fat twat and find someone else's bed to shit in you dirty bastard" - God bless her.
My subsequent shot at the big time was blighted by a series of missed opportunites; as a stuggling actor I so very nearly got to be the next James Bond - if it wasn't for my calipers and prominent hunchback. After that I tried many jobs but none lasted. I got sacked from eveything I turned my hand to. I was arrested many times for shoplifting at car boot sales, shirtlifting at Selfridges and finally got locked up for cottaging without a hard-on!
But I didn't mind being arrested. Quite liked it actually. Betwixt you and I it was the only time I ever feld a bit of sexual chemistry. I'd get strip searched, get told to bend over and got a good luck at the long arm of the law I can tell ya! On the 'inside' I met Hilda Hardcore who was doing time for soliciting. Upon our release we found that London's beloved gay scene was in a shambles and we deciced to set about sorting it out and Gay Scene Head Office was born. And as Hilda keeps reminding me ... I was the afterbirth!
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