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Jerry Seinfeld
Jerry Seinfeld is a struggling stand up comedian who draws his stand-up acts from his crazy every day situations. Jerry has trouble keeping a girlfriend, because he pays too much attention to the little things. For example, he once dumped a girl for eating her peas with a fork one at a time. Aside from being whiney, Jerry is the lovable main character of the show.

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Hello, my name is Matt O'Hara and I am an alcoholic! Six months sober and not for the better! It may be true that I get screwed over by stoopid bitches all the time but I drink for the fun of it. But not anymore. So anyway, my name is Matt and I call people Chuck. I like Pearl Jam, I don't like the person reading this. Let me start off by saying alcoholic people suck! I mean suck bad! Ok, so I came into this world on October 23rd, 1990, so that means I was conceived about nine months prior. All of my hot skanky, anorexic, Jewish, Swedish, whorish, and pregnant friends call me Mattais because its very clever and very funny! People also seem to call me Nice guy alot, its because of my sexy physique and my nice guy attitude. Its also very funny. Everything that is funny seems to make sense to me! My hair completes me and you all know it. Like Tyler Tomlinson, part of WGEM's wicked new team said "you can get any bitch you want" and I said "fucking right!" I sorta hate it when people mistake me for animated characters like those from Dragon Ball Z. I enjoy watching movies, playing dodgeball, doing keg-stands, rolling gangster, listening to Pearl Jam, laughing at Brian Pepper's small errection, thinking about what happened to Kurt Cobain, thinking about beating Scott Stapp and Billy Corgan with a giant fish (or a rather large salami), and taking long walk on the beach with myself eating taffy all by myself with myself. I hang out with my super duper cool friends and play pool everyday and eat taffy. I have a French cleaning lady that doesn't show up for work and has ELEVEN kids all of whoms names start with the letter "J." I have alot of friends. Brittney is the best friend you will ever find. Who cares if her friends think im a stalker or weird but she is my bestest most coolest wiched friend. There's Shayna, who is great. . . I guess. She is kinda funny sometimes when she actaully talks! She knows alot about strawberry flavored condoms and vibrating rings and weed, which I have no knowledge on. There's Alissa the skanky girl whom has filled my head full of more lies then my parents did about Santa Claus. Sorry, I love that girl! Not, she told Tony M. that I was gay but whatever, she had pink hair. There's Brittney who I mentioned already but I'm gonna talk about again. She is my best girl friend who is not my "girlfriend". She's sooper cool and she likes Green Day too, I always wished for a friend who likes Green Day! I still don't know whats best Brain Stew, Poprocks & Coke, Good Riddance, Welcome To Paradise, or Longview. Maybe Good Riddance because its sorta sad and depressing. I like songs like that. Tim Monetti is my hero. He's so freaking awesome. Then there's B-Rax who thinks I hate him but really he's actually AMAZING. I love hanging out with him and giving him rides places so he can yell "brown power" out the window, but if I have to hear him say Pearl Jam sucks one more time, it's over. Josh Klauser is good friend of mine and he makes boring days at Sears, fun. I mean REALLY FUN! There's Nathan Elder, who used to be my friend but that all stopped because he's a jewish bitch. He likes being reminded that I dated Shayna so he's gonna wet his panties every time I see him. There's Humke who is a pretty much the coolest person I know ,who has always been that way and will always be that way. I used to be so close to that dude but now I never see him and he's bald. There's Sam Scott who is cool and stuff. I can't say anything else because his mommy gets upset. She's still upset because he told her that I bought that hatchet! And I didn't, and Anthony McPhearson is my witness! He's a cool kid too. Leah Larson is no longer my friend because she said I raped her which might be the reason Cassie isn't my friend. Who knows, she doesn't like me because she thinks I'm mean, even though her boyfriend Big Jake cheated on her and she knew it. Forgiveness is easy for losers. Ginny Helmer and Ashley Cobb are awesome, and they are fighting over my hand in marriage. Mike McCready rocks at guitar! Brooke Gramke is cool also, I'm saying this because I have a "crush" on her, or is it Ashley? I don't remember and I don't care! Montel is full of shit, don't watch his show. Jenna has red hair but she is not a fire crotch. I might know this for a fact but I will not say. Sara Mendillo is my favorite cousin and a great person. I still have the cart sign which sucks because we didn't have time to do anything with it because I see her once or twice a year. Tyler Tomlinson is my brother and he rules. All the girls are gonna love me after they see his name in here because he's a celebrity. Will Scott is also my brother but he still hates me because I stole his skateboard and I put an Elton John sticker on it which he has yet to find. Okay now back to me and my sooper dooper life. I'm tiny in the pants and do not wank off. Sometimes I play with my furry pussy that I named Onyx. He's big and fat but shaved. I used to have a skinny shaved pussy named Chester(RIP) but he died. What can I say, I guess I like my pussy shaved! I don't like people who don't talk. If you don't have anything to say or you're just very boring than leave me the Fuck alone! Having boring people as friends are about as useless as having a Jewish Nazi! Did I mention that I'm racist? No I'm kidding, I'm just a comedian! I don't cut myself...often, and I like to light inanement objects on fire. I wear tight ass jeans that are tight on the ass and I play guitar sometimes. I like emo chicks especially Sam's girlfriend. Hehe, she's not emo she's amazing. Ok I guess that doesn't make her un-emo. Whatever, fuck your mother. In 7th grade I had an affair with my math teacher who was in fact a nun and since then I have gone to public school, this year its QHS. Its a nice school but I wish I still went to a catholic school where i had old memories of putting it in that Sister every night! My recent ex girlfriend had sex with a dead guy and the one before that killed herself after I broke up with her for sucking Brian Peppers' dick! I love him too. He's my stoopid child molester step-brother who likes little boys and little girls, black and white! But sometimes he likes my girlfriends too. To bad really. He had a Myspace account but it got shut down because Brian stuck hisself into a vaccum cleaner and put a picture of it on his account. Yeah we all know he's funny but "band people" are out for my head right now because they think it's a crime to be a child molester. Fucking hippies! But right now my life is freaking perfect. I have a mom and a dad (ok they're dead so maybe not so perfect), Brian Peppers the evil child molester step brother, beautiful friends, uhgly friends, a shaved pussy, a brother in law named Chip, and a nice horsey named Lori! She goes NAYYYYY! I have recently passed my driver's test which is kinda cool but those teachers are NUTS for passing me! I'm like mentally retarted and stuff. I drive like a man with no arms! But the man with the big arms would have a big something else, which I don't. This fall I have gotten some new hobbies including laughing at retards, running from gangsters, racial jokes, darts (my favorite sport!), and my personal favorite, American Idol judge. Yes I love the show and I can say whatever I wish about anyone. This past year we had a wookie named Chewie, an ogre named Shrek, a beatboxer guy, a weird rock/country star named Phil Stacey, and Sanjaya! He's amazing. Phil is best though, nothing makes me happier then when he sings Tobacco Road. Yay for Phil, he got sixth place. Too bad. Now we will talk about Pearl Jam. I love them, I love the songs, I love the CDs, I love the videos, I love Eddie Vedder, I love Mike McCready, I dig Stone Gossard (he's useless lets all admit it), I dig Jeff Ament (bass sucks), I even love the name, PEARL JAM!!! Every time I hear it makes me wanna drink. Well I am an alcoholic so what else is new. But anyways, I am so super happy with life right now that I don't care about anything. School, friends, family, Nickleback, Cat Pigg, they are all obstacles in my way from complete happiness. If your name is Alissa and you are reading this, I don't like you very much! You lie too much!! I have a horse named Lori, she's nice but if you're reading this don't tell your dad about her. Shite will go down in a hot tub! I think Larry , the big man, is the greatest, every time he hugs me I smell like his Obsession! Thanks for reading my about me, I hate you and I want you too die! I RULE! GO ME!
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Name: Mattais O'Hara
Birthdate: October 23rd, 1990
Birthplace: Gurnee, Illinois
Current Location: Quincy, Illinois
Eye Color: brown and white with a little black
Hair Color: blackish-brown, with some grey
Height: 5'8 on a good day
Weight: 130 lbs or less
Piercings: scrotum
Tatoos: none (I lied on the one above)
Boyfriend/Girlfriend: read my relationship status you dumb fuck!
Overused Phraze: Yo, chill yo bones!
FAVORITES
Food: anything eatable
Candy: tic tacs or taffy
Number: 48
Color: green
Animal: horsey
Drink: um either coffee or Pepsi
Alcohol Drink: Busch NA
Bagel: what's that?
Letter: J
Body Part on Opposite sex: inner thigh
This or That
Pepsi or Coke: Pepsi
McDonalds or BurgerKing: McDonalds, just for their breakfast
Strawberry or Watermelon: watermelon just because my slaves grow them
Hot tea or Ice tea: iced
Chocolate or Vanilla chocolate, i love dark things!
Hot Chocolate or Coffee: coffee
Kiss or Hug: the third option, in which you use your mouth
Dog or Cat: horse
Rap or Punk: punk, did I have to say that?
Summer or Winter: summer
Scary Movies or Funny Movies: funny scary movies, like Passions of the Christ or Shrek
Love or Money: money ;)
YOUR...
Bedtime: whenever I pass out or when the bitch knocks me unconscious
Most Missed Memory: beating those gypsies
Best phyiscal feature: inner left toe on the right foot
First Thought Waking Up: where'd that bitch go?
Goal for this year: happiness and to conceive a black child
Best Friends: Lori and Larry Allen
Weakness: alcohol and death
Fears: getting swollowed by "you know who's" vagina
Heritage: Irish
Longest relationship: I don't know but I fucking hate Nickleback
HAVE YOU...
Ever Drank: o yeah! I need to survive
Ever Smoked: only pie sticks!
Pot: no, I lied about the pie sticks!
Ever been Drunk: yes but not from alcohol
Ever been beaten up: yes, my step father is abusive
Ever beaten someone up: yes, by my step father
Ever Shoplifted: at least 6 to 20 times a week
Ever Skinny Dipped: yes in the shower
Ever Kissed Opposite sex: no, cooties!!
Been Dumped Lately: no but I dunked a basketball
IN A GUY/GIRL
Favorite Eye Color: black, from the bruses
Favorite Hair Color: none
Short or Long: bald
Height: shorter than me
Style: I like girls
Looks or Personality: personality, but the looks better be good!
Hot or Cute both
Drugs and Alcohol: drugs would be cool
Muscular or Really Skinny: in between
RANDOMS
Number of Regrets in the Past: none, everything happens for a reason
What country do you want to Visit: Ireland or Swaziland
How do you want to Die: beaten to death by a hooker with no arms
Been to the Mall Lately: I live in the mall
Do you like Thunderstorms: sure
Get along with your Parents: they're dead, thanks for asking
Health Freak: nope, just a freak
Do you think your Attractive: no
Believe in Yourself: no
Want to go to College: well if I say no my step father will beat me
Do you Smoke: no
Do you Drink: yes, to survive
Shower Daily: yes
Been in Love: yes, with Alexandria Melching and with Pearl Jam
Do you Sing: all the time
Want to get Married: yes
Do you want Children: yes, I love the little fuckers
Have your future kids names planned out: no thats creepy
Age you wanna lose your Virginity: whenever my step dad decides to rape me
Hate anyone: the person reading this!
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