I'm a collection of characteristics both physical and mental that make me completely unique. No one else is exactly like me and I must realize that not everyone who crosses my path will be interested in what I have to offer... but my strength comes from the beliefs that someone, somewhere can and will accept as well as appreciate me for what I am. We must realize that others exist primarily in our own minds and what we interpret them to be and in many cases the qualities they posess are qualities we bestow upon them. So when someone does not live up to what we expect them to be, perhaps we should not only question them, but also our own expectations.
I cannot put into words the man that I want. Perfection is in a morning smile and a kiss goodnight. Taking my hand when I'm weak and raising my spirits when I cry. I am strong. 26 years have come to show me one thing; I dont need anyone to tell me, "I love you," to be happy. But, that doesnt mean that I don't want it. I believe in the one great, life-filling, and can't live without love. I won't settle for middle-of-the-road feelings. I would give all of this up for love. I would live poor, homeless, and blind; if I knew the one I loved was next to me through it all. Childish one night stands and internet boytoys are not real. My heart and the blood that runs through it are.
After a while you learn the difference, subtle difference, between holding a hand and chaining a soul. You learn that love doesn't mean learning and company doesn't mean security. You begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises. You accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child. You learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. You'll learn that you really can endure that you really are strong and you really do have worth.
Have you ever sat back and wondered if you were doing the right thing? Have you ever wished you could go back and change certain parts of your life? Have you ever sat back and wondered who I was? Sit back... open your mind and you're heart... I'm laying mine out on the line for all to see. I just want to throw my hands back and shout to the world, "Here I am, take me as I am or leave it be."
I'm only human. You see these pictures and think everything is perfect and that I live this peachy life where I have no fears and shed no tears. Think again.
I'm the girl who will give you everything. I'm the girl who puts my heart and soul into everything I do. I am scared, I'm confident and oh so gullable. I expect honesty from everyone I come into contact with because I guarantee thats all you'll get from me. I'm guarded at times for fear of being hurt. Of being used and not appreciated. I tend to love those around me unconditionally. I second guess myself constantly... wondering if the things being told to me are truth and then ask myself why I even worry because they would never lie to me.
They lie to me, it hurts. I'm the girl that wears the smile but has the broken heart. I fear letting you in because my heart has enough scars and doesn't have room for another. Yet I always make room for you. I tally it up and add another one to the score.
My son is my life. He's the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. He will always occupy every moment in between. I adore his smiles and adore his laughter. I fear anything happening to him and the thought of him not being okay takes what little piece of heart I have left and shatters it. Rips it up and throws it away. His innocence amazes me. To look at things through his eyes has been a huge eye opening experience for me. I know his love for me is unconditional and I know he knows how much he means to me. He's the center of my world. He is my universe.
There's very few people in this world who have taken the time to get to know who I was. The girl behind the smile. I can honestly count those people on one hand. It amazes me how many people can say they love you but deep down you question it. I know of two people who will always love me. No matter where I go in life, no matter what choices I make in life. Its that unconditional love I talked about before and knowing this has touched my heart in a way neither of them can understand. One is two young to understand but as he matures and I see him grow and have children of his own, he'll understand. The other is a person I've never met but knows everything about me. They've listened to my hopes, my dreams, my insecurities and my fears and yet they're still here even though I push them away.