abner

I love long walks, cuddling, and bones I find near the garbage. I have a deep and lasting passion for trigonometry, quantum physics, and modern dance. I love to be spoons, better yet cups. I am remorseful over my lack of pants- not for the coverage really- it’s my lack of pockets that gets me down. I am in a constant quandary about what to do with my change and doodads, where will I put my hands when feeling awkward, where will I put my candies and croutons…it’s a real problem. I find myself pondering my effects on the environment and the political process. I love to be social. I am hypocritical, as I find my neighbors insufferable and nauseating. I sell illicit drugs to the furniture in my home; the couch is a first-rate customer, it smokes crack rock like coal locomotive. I’ll eat almost anything, except bananas, including synthetic materials: socks, shoes, undergarments of any sort or variety, rope, towels, books, legs of furniture around the home (all except the couch- my best costumer), rocks, pens, pencils, cigarette butts, stuffed animals, any and all garbage around the dumpster, small children, and woodland creatures. I am overweight; however I am reluctantly on a diet. I live a life of luxury- I collect change from around the house and invest in small ornamental figurines and large bulk food items. All my investments pay off; its easy living. I never lie except when I’m in trouble, trying to get out of work or chores, talking to individuals of authority, or talking about my past. I love to commit to both events and gatherings, and then neglect my obligations. I express the dead-beat that resides in us all. I love to collect; I’m a bit of a hoarder, clutter bug really… I accumulate things like acorns, coffee cups, books I will never read, cds I won’t even consider listening to, carpet samples, TV guides, watches, old newspapers, small plastic animal toys, pins, brooches, buttons, Christmas ornaments, tubes of lipstick, balls of hair, mason jars, wires and cables,…the list goes on. I am methodical and precise; I plan to plan… I work out time and distance, and schedule my day down to a fraction of a second. The first 15 minutes of my day are strategically and systematically designed to facilitate the remainder of the day. Disciplined and precise compliancy with my agenda will render the individual both happy and content.