I am me. I am different. I am who you perceive me to be. It is really difficult to talk about who I am because every person perceives me in a different way. I wouldn't say that I am shy, but when it comes to relationships, I tend to proceed slowly and carefully. I am not in search of notches in my belt but lets face it.. who doesn't want to get some now and then? I would like to say all kinds of great things about me that would paint a desirable picture of myself but you will just have to get to know me and then you can fill in the blanks yourself..Really, I just want the chance to prove that money can't buy happiness!I once visited the Virgin Islands.....they are now called "The Islands"I have the greatest Poker Face ever. I once won the 1982 World Series of Poker despite the fact that I held only a Joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, a Monopoly Get-Out-Of-Jail card, and a green number 4 UNO card.I once sold my soul to the devil in exchange for my rugged good looks and unparalleled strength. I then beat up the devil and took back my soul. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. We now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.When I was in middle school, my English teacher assigned an essay: "What is courage?" I received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only my name at the top.I refer to myself in the fourth person.
I can divide by zero.
I can slam a revolving door.
When I exercise, the machine gets stronger.
I am not hung like a horse... horses are hung like me.
I always have sex on the first date. Always.But, in my eyes:I am 5'11 with brown hair, a winning personality and the rugged good looks one might expect on a movie star. I am smart, sometimes funny, sometimes a moron. I can't say I am well known for the great decisions I make - but then again, neither is the President.As Hugh Gallagher says: I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear.I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy.I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis, I'm a blackbelt in Karate and I love a good glass of wine!But I have gone to college.
