Mum's going to trade all of her clothes in for a hamper of chocolate body parts.
Generalisations are always amusing. As are shopping lists that include nipple cream and arctic burp head.
I live in a house in Harrow and it's a nice house. One of my favourite pastimes is texting the house across the road to tell them to turn their bathroom light off/turn Chris's light off/turn Ry's light off. Sometimes we text Ry telling him to walk into the driveway and smash his head on the pavement. Sometimes we text Ry to remind him he is a chav. Lotte buys rye bread and we call it chav bread.
We are hilarious.
I like links.
I didn't put the carrot penis on the snowman or the willy on the house cake.
I lost a particular radio station completely when I moved to this house, which is only a few yards round the corner. Natalie would probably believe it to be hidden under Lotte's mountain (along with everything else). She would also probably tell us we've lost bin jenga. I would tell her honey is being really noisy in my wine.
I like links.
I used to work for Dot-Mobile. I was 'sacked' three times. The last time was permanent. I have never worked in Carphone Warehouse.
Or The Links.
I can smell hair dye, but it's actually washing powder.
It's all in the mind.
I like to wear other people's underwear in the street when they have gone to work.
I also like to take pineapples to formal occassions. People pretend they don't notice. I think it embarrasses them.
I stick vegetables to walls.
And potatoes to toilet seats.
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When I was 14 I used to draw pictures of decapitated bunnies.
This was not because I wanted to cut the heads off rabbits.
I have a notebook and I take it everywhere with me. It is a very Important notebook. It holds all the Important things in it. When the best phrases are spoken, and the best things happen, they are transferred into the book.
I recently dropped this notebook into a pond (along with myself).
Slightly more recently some rain fell into my bag where my book was resting.
It would be adequate to say my book is now a bit soggy.
But all the Important things are still there.
I guess there are some things that are sensible enough to know when they shouldn't be washed away.
