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They called him "Purt Near Perkins," for unless the booger lied, He'd purt near done most everything that he had ever tried. He'd purt near been a preacher and he'd purt near roped a bear; He'd met up with Comanches once and purt near lost his hair. He'd purt near wed an heiress who had money by the keg, He'd purt near had the measles, and he'd purt near broke his leg. He'd purt near been a trail boss, and accordin' to his claim, He'd purt near shot Bill Hickock-- which had purt near won him fame! He'd purt near rode some broncs upon which no one else had stuck In fact he was the feller Who had purt near drowned the duck! Now mostly all the cowboys On the Lazy S B spread, They took his talkin' with a grin And let him fight his head. But one named Tom Maginnis Sorter told it to him rough: "You're ridin' with an outfit now Where 'purt near' ain't enough! We tie our lasso ropes to the horn, An' what we ketch we hold, And 'purt near' is one alibi We never do unfold! In fact, right now I'll tell you that no word I ever hear Sounds quite so plain damn useless As that little pair: 'purt near'!" That's how ol' Tom Maginnis Laid it out upon the line, And like a heap of preachin' talk, It sounded mighty fine. But one day Tom Maginnis, While a-ridin' off alone, He lamed his horse And had to ketch some neighbor nester's roan To ride back to the ranch on. But somewhere along the way A bunch of nesters held him up, And there was hell to pay! Tom claimed he hadn't stole the horse-- Just borrowed it to ride. Them nesters hated cowboys, And they told him that he lied. The cussed him for a horsethief And they'd caught him with the goods. They set right out to hang him In a nearby patch of woods. They had pore Tom surrounded, With their guns all fixed to shoot. It looked like this pore cowboy Sure had heard his last owl hoot! They tied a rope around his neck And throwed it o'er a limb And Tom Maginnis purt near knowed This was the last of him. Then suddenly a shot rang out From somewhere up the hill! Them nesters dropped the rope an' ran, Like nesters sometimes will When bullets start to whizzin'. Tom's heart lept up with hope To see ol' Purt Near Perkins Ridin' towards him at a lope. "Looks like I purt near Got here just in time," ol' Perkins said, "To see them nesters hang you!" Tom's face got kinder red. "You purt near did!" he purt near grinned. "They purt near had me strung! You're lookin' at a cowboy That has pert near just been hung! And also one that's changed his mind-- For no word ever said, Can sound as sweet as 'purt near', When a man's been purt near dead!"