IF YOUR SMART YOU WONT EVEN BOTHER.
Look at me, as if I've got a reason to stare. This is MY fucking life. This is MY body that I have drug through birthdays, fights, middle school, boot camp, love, depression, alcohol, hand me downs, rain, snow, heat and cold. This is the body I tried to leave and the life I nearly threw away.
I am my own Satan, my own Jesus Christ. I put my self through hell, I sacrafice myself for my own well being. I am alive in every sense of the world, I am a walking corpse. FUCK YOU, Fuck your ideals, Fuck your judgement and Fuck whoever you think I could, would, and should be.
I am Jacob Chesley. I live for my family and friends. They are my true love. The way YOUR eyes scroll through THESE words, and the judgemental thoughts sprouting in your disgusting brain will not, WILL NOT, tie me down. If you are a genuine, kind, honest person; If you are fucked up and hate everyone, confused or knowledgable, I will hear you, I will listen to whatever ideas and wisdom you have to share. I will empathize your pain and share your happiness. I will love, I will fight, I will DIE for you. But only when you learn to dismiss whatever bullshit you might think of who i was, and most importantly who I am, and except me as your brother in arms, your friend, and an honest person. I am human, you are human, I LOVE YOU. I HATE the preposterous ideals and fake reasons that society inpails into us. True heart, true love excists, its dying, it's small, its spat upon, cursed, skapegoated, despised, feared, envied, hated, admired, convincing, dismissed, and even faked, but it exists. Only YOU and I can save it. We can start a new promise and future built with peace, love, happiness and insight, metaphorically our family will bare our seed, our will forever, but only if we create it. We will inherit the earth. shake en bake t dog.
Why the fuck is life so confusing? I realize it has potential to be boring if we all know everything, but do we have to know NOTHING? Is it really essential that we all aimlessly mope around breathing in this toxic confusion gas? Why the hell cant I find a girl, beautiful/cute sweet nice spunky fun truly inquisitive girl, who makes me stay up all night thinking of her? The one that can possibly return all of my love and happiness with a bit more in return. A cycle where everytime we each give more and more until we truly do fade into one person, one mindset, one set of goals, questions thoughts, I wish you were out there, and I wish that when I meet you, or met you, I didnt totally fucking blow it. I hate games, I like you, but I cant show I like you, or you wont like me, and I want you to like me, but not to much cause I dont know if I am ready for another relationship, but I really like you so far, and i might could like you more. If I could just show I liked you maybe you would like me a little more, or maybe you will lose intresth. WHy is it so fucking hard, life feels like one of those original nintendo games, you know the ones that every level just gets fucking harder and harder, you cant win, nobody wins, its impossible to win
I mean its possible, but by the time you get to the highest level you ever have the pixely graphics are moving so fast you get lost in a whirlwind seisure like state. i hate how i can be happy, how one day the world is in my hands, i realize how fucked up the world is, BUT I DONT CARE, i am happy, i am me, i am jake. but the other days, those miserable fucking horrible days, where all i know is that i dont know, and i find myself destroying every relationship that means anything to me, i dont know why, i really dont even realize i am doing it, but i like it, and its sick, but i guess if somebody wont give me possitive attention, and least i know i can make them give me negative attention. why is misery so comforting? why is it so easy to lurk in the sad desolate corners of life and its so incredibly difficult to go out of the darkness and into the sun all i know is this world seems utterly monotanous and bitter, but i know that when i find the girl that can make all this desparity and turn it into pure hope and happiness, i will be content, and if i never do. well i guess i am fucked huh. i generally dont like reading poetry, and i hate when somebody asks you to read theirs, they put you on the spot right there on your own little stage curtains and all. its so fucking offensive, them waiting viciously on your critique, and i suppose the reason i never show my writing is because, well, I dont want to put you in an awkward spot because i hate it too. my mind spins at 7,000 rpm, and its picking up speed everyday. to be honest i really worry its like a time bomb, that soon i am just going to have to many random thoughts so many windows minimized on my desktop that my processor just overheats melts and ends in spiral of sparks. I really want to be happy, to live and be happy, and not have all of this raging war inside my head. i have a roomate, his names captain lechuck, hes really nice i gaurantee if you meet him you will love him, i'm not cool or funny, i dont think i'm original and i dont claim to be, i like to meet people who arnt in love with themselves. when i was in second grade i poured chocolate milk in a girls hair who was being mean. i like music, but who doesnt. sometimes i think really weird things, i cant help it, sorry. i really dont care if you dont like me, thats fine, but before you judge me what the hell have you done with your life thats so fantastic. i dont really understand why people think mypsace was cool before it was "popular" thats like saying telephones were cool before everyone got one, myspace is here to stay, get used to it. its the new white pages. i want to go to new york. i am really looking forward to death, but i really dont want to experience it for a long time. i have a verizon cell phone. i like chips and salsa, its considered a meal 30 percent of my days. i just guessed that, i suck at math. i think when i grow up i'm going to be the cool old guy that doesnt just bitch about the old days, but likes kids and gives free ice cream. but i wouldnt be terribly suprised if i was the grump who has 30 baseballs in his yard that hasnt been mowed in 3 years. i guess thats exagerating. i wonder if anybody will read this whole thing, if your still reading. . . . why? do you honestly give a shit about me, if you already care about me, you know me, if you dont, i'm not interesting. i think almost all art is the same, its not the peice that makes it interesting, its the person and the story, the life the artist is going through and their view thats represented. people who do stupid shit with no emotion and call it art are . . . well their just dumb. i live by myself in california, i guess what i mean by that is i dont have any family out here, i'm going to school so i'm not poor and miserable 8 years from now. sometimes i wish i knew more people out here, but i dont blame anybody for not wanting gto be my friend, does that mean somebody drank half of my orange juice, or is their still a half a glass left for me when i finish my breakfast? thats what i thought. and if you finished this, and realize it doesnt make any sense, your right, but your a random arangement of molecules and the only reason your thinking right now is the cluster of cells sparking in that big thing that holds your hats, so you dont make sense either, thats my philosophy of life. you can read it again but you wont get anything more from it.LIST OF THINGS I SEE THAT MAKE ME WANT TO SHOOT PEOPLE
- people who think regular nintendo is better then xbox 360,yeah it was fun, in 95, your fucking stupid, nobody thinks your cool because your vintage
-people who say they love music, and honestly dont own anything over 30 years old, all music has beauty, even country, it sounds like ass, but dont be so closed minded.
-people who get high because its cool, your dumb
- the sound of my alarm clock
-people who walk clear to the back of best buy and ask me where the cds are
-customers who refuse to listen to what i am trying to tell them
-retarded txt message chain mails, stop using my messages
-pretty much most of california in general-fashion in general, does nobody else see that shit on tv and think, if i saw somebody seriously walking around looking like that, i dont think i could restrain myself from throwing rocks, and its all designed by some horribly unnatractive middle aged bald gay guy from europe, and it costs 6 million dollars, wtf?
-people who give me advice and dont know anything about me or my life
- and finally, people who put lists of things they dont like in their myspaces, yeah i hate myself, whats new.
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