Tortoise - ProfilesArchive

About Me

I am miserable, intolerant, sarcastic and obsessive compulsive. And I like to bake cakes. Which I'm quite good at. Don't be fooled by my smiley photos either. They are CGI'd.In reality, I work in a normal office with normal people. A bit like Rosemary, the telephone operator. Remember? Hong Kong Phooey.....In a former life, I trained at the Poor School, where I learnt many amazing swear words, which I still use often. I also learnt that I will never make any money from acting, nor will I ever get to marry Clive Owen.Since then, I have become obsessed with olives and making sure everything is straight.

My Interests

Cheese, goats, goat's cheese.

I'd like to meet:

Jake and Maggie, Marilyn Monroe, Princess Margaret, anyone with a cure for eczema which doesn't involve drinking muddly water flavoured tiger's poo. Calvin Harris's anorak. Gethin Jones doing the salsa in a dark alley. James Martin in my kithen (without the jewellery, if possible). The voice of Schwartz, The Face of Eurpoean Vodafone, and Miss Colwyn Bay 1983. In a caravan in Wales. With boogie boards.

Music:

Fratelli's, Mika, Calvin Harris, Mr H, Kate Nash, Otis Redding, The Hoosiers, Scouting for Girls, Eric Clapton, anything that's not R&B really. Oh......and George Michael....

Movies:

Some Like it Hot, Casblanca, Donnie Darko, Shaun of the Dead, The Commitments.

Television:

No one ADMITS to watching telly, do they?

Books:

ANYTHING. Really. I'll read anything.

Heroes:

Hong Kong Phooey, Batfink, Chorlton the Happiness Dragon, Mighty Mouse.....many many more. Shame they never actually come rescue me though.

My Blog

Make it stop

Well, there's only 3 days to go until I can leave this place and maybe have some decent sleep. Although, judging by the sickness that is creeping up on me I may be awake with a snotty nose and evil sw...
Posted by Tortoise on Wed, 19 Dec 2007 02:01:00 PST

sartorially speaking...

Tortoise needs a hair cut. And colour. Ginger interspersed with grey is so "art teacher". TG says bob, but Tortoise says if it's Beckham, it's banned. So, until decisions are made, one remains looking...
Posted by Tortoise on Mon, 10 Dec 2007 02:11:00 PST

Birthday blues

Another year older, another year stupider, and another fresh round of wrinkles that no amount of Liz Earle smoothing line serum is going to rectify. Why are hangovers so hideous, the older you get? I'...
Posted by Tortoise on Sun, 30 Sep 2007 10:11:00 PST

Rip Van Winkle

Can anyone tell me why I'm so flicking cold? I appear to have fallen asleep and, in true Rip Van Winkle style, woken up in November. I mean - I know Friday night was hectic but - please - I know...
Posted by Tortoise on Thu, 23 Aug 2007 05:26:00 PST

Pygmys and Pikeys

So on sunday the morrish gang went to the fair. Much fun was had, stroking goats, sniggering at euphemisms, stroking BABY goats, smirking goats, all kinds of goats. And some alpaca things, which...
Posted by Tortoise on Tue, 24 Jul 2007 06:46:00 PST

Yowsers

Melting Tortoise flesh! Damn this multi tasking that my foolish employers think I am so darned good at. Try opening the front door with a sticky key whilst holding a handbag/milk/industry papers/a boo...
Posted by Tortoise on Wed, 18 Jul 2007 01:41:00 PST

Golden Baldies

There's nothing wrong with thinking Bruce Willis still got it. If it's good enough for Lindsay Lohan...no, wait....we don't know where she's been. Anyways, just cos he's bald and old and from the back...
Posted by Tortoise on Thu, 05 Jul 2007 05:46:00 PST

Sick

I am sick. Not mentally sick, no more than usual, but physically, regurgitatively, projectile-type sick. Non alcohol related, might I add. But it has enabled me to watch a handwashing obsessed child o...
Posted by Tortoise on Mon, 25 Jun 2007 03:53:00 PST

Kiss my hairy greek arse

Ah the Tortoise is a happy bunny today. Saturday's Wembley gig was AMAZING (see what I did there...?!) and restored my FAITH in the man they call Yog. It was certainly worth the 25-year wait (although...
Posted by Tortoise on Mon, 11 Jun 2007 04:06:00 PST

All Horror-ed Out

Frantic double bill of slasher flicks last night culminated in a truly paranoid bus journey home for Tortoise (the man next to me was wearing a hat and had stubble, which are the most obvious signs of...
Posted by Tortoise on Wed, 06 Jun 2007 09:08:00 PST