The two men stood out front the convenience store. They'd just sold what appeasred to be marijuana to some local teens. And while the blonde wiry one danced around to music only he could hear, the shorter chubby one leaned casually against the wall smoking a cigarette. As the new people approached the duo the lanky blonde one stepped up to the plate and began to speak... a lot."Hey. I'm Jay and this is my hetero life mate Silent Bob." The short one nodded. "Me and lunchbox here was both born in Leonardo, New Jersey. We known eachother since before we could even walk. I've always had to be the take charge type cause this tuby bitch here never has anything to offer to the conversation just a bunch of faggot gestures and shit." Silent Bob simply shrugged."Mostly we's just been hangin out outside the Quickstop our whole lives. We done some shit. Like this guy we know, Holden McNeil, wanted to use our likenesses for a comic. It was called Bluntman and Chronic. Thought it would be pretty sweet but it turns out chicks don't give up the pussy for dudes who were in comic books. Go figure." Silent Bob rolled his eyes and shook his head. His seemed to say, 'please excuse my idiot friend.'Silent Bob nudged Jay on the shoulder and pointed up to the sky. Jay nodded. "Ohh yeah. Almost forgot about that shit. We met God once. Serious, no drugs needed or nothin. See, we headed out to Illinois cause in all those John Hughes flicks there are always hot honey's and whimpy dudes crawlin all over this town, Shermer. So we figure we can be the big dogs in that yard and be gettin mad pussy! But when we get there, we find out there is no Shermer in Illinois." Jay shook his head, obviously still disappointed about that one."Anyway, day before we was about to head back to Jersey we meet this chick, Bethany. She was pretty hot. I would fucked her." Jay looked off into the distance thinking about how he never did get to screw Bethany. "Oh yeah. So it turns out this chick was like the last living relative of Jesus. The Jesus, not the dude who comes by to collect the recyclables every week."So we end up with her and this black dude, the thirteenth apostle, Rufus. Gotta stop these two Angels from entering this church. It was all confusing." Silent Bob cut in and began to speak. "To sum up what my dim friend here is trying to say, if the two were to succeed, they would be allowed back into heaven, reversing a direct command of God, and precipitating the end of existence."Everyone looked at Silent Bob strangely for a moment then shook it off as Jay continued. "Yeah, what this tubby fuck said. So we was tryin to stop Armageddon and all that. But it wasn't workin. We were gettin opur asses kicked!" Silent Bob nodded in agreement remembering that fateful day. "It turned out ok though cause, what do ya know, God showed up. Like, God God. She was pretty hot too." Thunder sounded briefly above their heads. "Sorry bout that! Of course god ended up savin us and the whole world, but you probably already guessed that much."Nothin real eventful happened after that. 'Cept we went to Hollywood. Let me start that one back at the beggining too." Bob had to hand it to him, Jay was skimming through things pretty well and not straying off subject. It had to have been a first."We was hangin out front the Quick Stop like we always did, when that faggot clerk, Randal, called the cops on us. We didn't get arrested that time, but we couldn't hang out at the Quick Stop anymore. That sucked. So we headed over to hang with Brodie and found out that Miramax was makin a Bluntman and Chronic movie. Apparently we were supposed to get money for that. So we went to see Holden right away. That shit owed us money. But when we get there he tells us that he sold his half of the rights to Banky. But we also found out that a bunch of motherfuckers are bashin us on the fuckin internet! It was decided right then and there we couldn't let those Miramax fucks make that movie. And we headed to Hollywood."We had to hitchhike for a while and I almost went down on this hairy bushed nun all cause this dude told us it was in the Unwritten Book of the Road. She kicked us outta the car but eventually we got to a Moobies and thats where we met Justice." Jay looked off dreamily. Silent Bob looked down just in time to see that Jay was pitching a tent, so to speak. Bob tok his hat off and hung it on Jay's.... joystick."Oh yeah. So we caught a ride with her and these hot bitches she was friends with. Turned out they were jewel thieves, but we didn't find that out til later. In the meantime they had us believin they needed the two of us to break into this lab and steal this monkey. So we did. While we were doin that they were robbin the diamond place nextdoor. They set a bomb to blow up their van and I thought my Justice was dead. So I held close to that damn monkey cause in a way it was like it was a part of her." Silent Bob shook his head. Jay could be a little mellowdramatic at times."The ape was named Suzanne. She was ok. This fat-ass loved the hell out of that monkey." Silent Bob looked off dreamily for a moment missing his furry friend. "Back to the story. This crazy ass wildlife marshal was on our trail. He way wanted to bust us for stealin Suzanne. I kinda wanted to give her back but It woulda been fucked up to send her somewhere where they was gonna be doin tests on her and all that."Side note. We lost the monkey. She got picked up by these 'Critters of Hollywood' fucks. But we eventually hitched a ride to Hollywood. After a lot of runnin around we finally got past this perved out security guard. When we were runnin through the set of Scream 4 we found Suzanne. She'd been cast as the masked killer."So after we grabbed the ape we had to run from more security dudes. But ya know where we fuckin ended up? In the dressin room of Dawson and Pie Fucker. They were supposed to be playin us in the movie. So we took their costumes and ended up out on the set. We met Mark Hamill, dude was playin a character named Cocknocker! What the fuck is that?!?"Anyway, thats when Justice came back into my life. Turns out she wasn't dead. Thats when she told us about her profession. Then the other hot chicks showed up and it was massive chick fight all over! No titties popped out though, so it was hardly worth watching. While the bitches were all fighting we found Banky and fat fuck here busts out with all this legal crap sayin that if we didn't get our money we could sue. So Banky gave us our cut. Justice ended up in Jail but I told her I'd wait for her."So since we were rich and still hadn't solved the getting thrashed on the net thing, we bought some plane tickets and just beat the hell out of all those little mighty duck fucks who insulted us. Vengeance, and a whole lot of money, was ours. After that we headed back to Leonardo."Restraining order aside, we couldn't go back to hangin in front of Quick Stop. It burned to the ground. And those two faggot clerks, Dante and Randal, got a job at Moobies. So we decided to just hang out there. Didn't get to do it long though. We got a van, finally, and got pulled over for intent to cause mischief. We were drivin around with deployed airbags. They found a couple ounces of weed on us and threw us into rehab where we stayed for six months."When we got out we went back to Moobies and back to dealin. But we stayed clean. For the most part. So this one night, Randal pays for this donkey show at the restaurant. Supposed to be a present for Dante or some shit. Long story short, we get busted and spend the night in jail. But we ended up makin a business deal with the those two fucks. They were bitchin and cryin about Quick Stop and wanted to re-open it. But they didn't have the cash. So lunchbox and I loaned 'em $50,000 under the condition that we could hang out there whenever we wanted and they couldn't call the cops on us."Now, you're probably wonderin why we're back here in L.A. Things just got too boring in Jersey. And boredom is the first step back to relapse. So we thought we'd give the west coast a serious go. The convenient store walls just aren't as comfortable as the one's back home, but Silent Bob found this place. The Hyperion. We can't figure out if it's a hotel or some sort of gay brothel. We see a lot of dudes goin in and out and they usually got chains and some kinky weird shit. But it's cool. Takes all kinds. And for some reason everyone who leaves there are more than happy to buy a little weed on their way out. Things might work here." Jay and Silent Bob both shrugged as a pale, sickly looking man exited the Hyperion looking scared. He approached them and bought an eighth of weed then left.The road movie plot sees convenience store clerks Jay (Jason Mewes) and Silent Bob (writer-director Smith) rush across the country in an eleventh-hour attempt to stop the cult cartoon based on them from being developed into a full-length feature. Appearances by Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Chris Rock, Carrie Fisher, and others do not rescue this from becoming an underachieving high-schooler flick with Jay offering foul-mouthed commentary while Bob remains, well, silent. Against Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, the freshness of Chasing Amy and Dogma seem distant indeed.
JAY AND SILENT BOB lyrics
