David Ord profile picture

David Ord

About Me

A while ago, after many years as a corporate lickspittle, I decided to give up my job and wander the earth having adventures. Like Caine from Kung Fu but a bit chubbier and a lot less Chinese.To date I've only got as far as Surrey, which is perhaps not that impressive, although Redhill is certainly the sort of place where you can have adventures. Just not the kind you'd want.As well as writing I also play bass, and I'd like to share with you the only bass player joke I know.Q: "How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?" A: "None. The keyboard player can do it with his left hand."Sad but true, which explains why we're such miserable bastards, although as I'm from Northern Ireland I've got a head start when it comes to misanthropy.

My Interests

I'd like to meet:

Jonathan Ross, so I can kick him in the bollocks for being an insufferable twat with stupid hair and a face like a dromedary. Chris Moyles, Piers Morgan and the appalling Digby Jones for similar reasons (the twattishness rather than the appearance, although Morgan, Moyles and Jones are of course also hideously ugly in their own way.)David Attenborough, who should by rights be King of the World by now, Michael Palin, who's next in line to the throne, Shami Chakrabarti because I admire her more than any other living human being, and Susan Sarandon, with whom I've been in love ever since I got over Charlotte Rampling. Oh, hi Soozie. Ow.

My Blog

Good Luck, America

This is an exciting and nerve-wracking day for America, and for the whole world. In not too many hours we will know if we can use the phrase "President Obama", and Americans will be able to once again...
Posted by on Tue, 04 Nov 2008 14:18:00 GMT

Creating A Monster

I've just spent a week in Ireland, trying to persuade my mother to allow a measure of helpful technology into her life. She's eighty-seven, and physically a little frail, although she still lives alon...
Posted by on Thu, 20 Sep 2007 00:41:00 GMT

Creak Slam Yak Squeal Chortle Guffaw Bellow

One thing is certain about Irish hotels; they're not havens of peace and quiet. Unless you're prepared to do a lot of painstaking research and / or spend a lot of money I wouldn't advise staying in an...
Posted by on Mon, 13 Aug 2007 06:30:00 GMT

Ego Failure

So, Paris Hilton is once again at large, and the world can breathe more easily now that the young lady has managed to get through her prison ordeal without succumbing to the tantalisingly unspecific "...
Posted by on Wed, 27 Jun 2007 01:57:00 GMT

The Secret World of Hidden Stuff

I've always had a thing about the quantity and variety of Hidden Stuff. What I mean is this: we're all aware of the limitations of our senses. Obviously some of us are more limited than others, and I'...
Posted by on Fri, 08 Jun 2007 07:19:00 GMT

It's Not Big And It's Not Clever

I've reached the age of extremely fucking old, but I confess that I'm baffled. After yet another comedy club experience rendered stressed and nervy because of a couple of attention-seeking middle-clas...
Posted by on Wed, 30 May 2007 16:51:00 GMT

Undercover Cameron

The strangely moist and thoroughly unlikeable David Cameron, leader of Her Majesty's Opposition and potentially the next elected Prime Minister, went undercover in Birmingham last week. Old-Etonian Ca...
Posted by on Fri, 25 May 2007 11:36:00 GMT

I'll Use Paypal

You probably think that on-line shopping is a breeze. If you're an old person, as I am, you might remember when, if you wanted to buy something, you had to actually leave the house and go to a shop. N...
Posted by on Tue, 22 May 2007 17:04:00 GMT

Here's Your Pig's Bladder

Chubby humourist Bll Bryson's on an anti-litter campaign here in the U.K. at the moment. Seemingly irritated by an American daring to point out to them that they're a bunch of slobs, a few people on t...
Posted by on Mon, 21 May 2007 00:55:00 GMT