zoolander

Derek Paul Zoolander was born in 1987 in the trendy Coon Rapids ghetto of the twin cities. It was a difficult birth made even more so by the infant Derek's coarse hair and prominent cheekbones. His mother never fully recovered. "Pops" Zoolander quickly grew tired of the warm climate and gentle sea breezes of Miami. He wanted something more for his family, but he wasn't sure what. Coal mining had always been a hobby of his, and he felt it was time to make it his career. He was getting older and it was no secret that few were able to break into the mining biz after 40. Goodbye South Beach, hello coal mining country, where the future has no limits if you simply believe in your dreams.It was obvious from the start that Derek was a gifted child. His nickname amongst the female teachers at his preschool was "Zoo-longer" though many of them denied it later, in court. He was also creative with his hands, often making up "Harley," the family cat, to look like popular swimsuit models of the day. Mr. Zoolander's dream was to have Derek work side by side with him in the mines. Of course, that dream died an ugly death when Derek was chosen as the poster boy for "Stripple," a yeast based food staple popular in the finer coal mining communities. This drove an instant wedge between Derek and his father. In fact, "Pops" was often overheard saying to his son, "You're dead to me, Derek. You're as dead to me as your dead Mother." Which struck many as odd because Mrs. Zoolander had not yet expired.During a family vacation to Mt. Rushmore young Derek became enthralled by the giant faces carved into the sandstone and spent many hours digging in the dirt at the base of the mountain, trying to uncover the torsos. He vowed to read everything he could find about these great men, but soon grew bored and instead decided to become a male model.Derek was popular in high school though many described him as "weird," "scary," and "stupid." Because of his good looks Derek made of the cover of his high school yearbook four years in a row. By the nineties, Derek's modeling career was white hot. He became the first person ever to appear simultaneously on the covers of "Forbes," "Time," "The Economist" and "Blueboy."Derek went on to win "Best Male Model" at the VH1 Fashion Awards three years in a row; a feat compared to Michael Powell's long jump record and Antonio Sabato Jr.'s "night of a thousand crunches." As for the future, Derek has sworn he will be the first to runway-walk the Great Wall of China, and then the English Channel.Though it's now commonplace, Derek was the first model, male or female, to name his looks. "Blue Steel" is the most famous of them, though the much anticipated "Magnum" is expected to be a strong contender for the crown. Zoo's Zoo Industries