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GRAVE INTENT, LIVE @ CLUB TEXAS IN AUBURN MAINE, JUNE 12TH, 2009GRAVE INTENT @ THE WIZZARD LOUNGE, HICKORY NC, MARCH 28TH, 2008
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From Aroostook County originally but moved to Central Maine about 5 years ago. I had all these big plans for my life…getting out of “Da Countyâ€â€¦and on to bigger and better things. Well, if you put “hope†in one hand and “shit†in the other can you guess which one fills up first? Yep you guessed it….*LOL* After failed relationships, broken friendships, betrayals, heartbreak and disappointments, a few periods of unemployment and just a long string of just dumb and bad luck I feel….â€gratefulâ€â€¦.yep…grateful…I have my health, my 4 wonderful kids and a roof over my head. There have been times in the past few years that I really put myself out there for other people and ended up almost losing everything but in the end it really showed me who I really needed to have in my life…and that is a very select few. I’m sick to death of bullshit and people who just take and take and take but when I needed someone…a friend…and shoulder to lean on…where the hell were you all? No where to be found….So I have learned some very hard lessons in some very hard ways…but they were lessons well thought and now ingrained in my entire outlook on life in general. But to those of you who have been there…and you know who you are…I love you all with all my heart and Let me say here and now and in front of the world and am very grateful for all the love and support for lending a ear, listening to me sod like a idiot, for seeing me threw many a heartbreak, picking me up when I fell down and could not get up alone, for just listening to me bitch and giving me advice and giving me encouragement and hope. When I was at my lowest…at my loneliest…and at my worst…you were there…I am so very grateful for you.
And for my kids…Amanda, Brandon, Cory and Destiny…you are my heart, my blood, my soul and my every reason for going on, for striving always for something better and to just make it threw. If it was not for all of you I would have given up a long time ago and gone on a very different path. You are everything to me I love you all with words that cannot even be spoken, only felt by a mother. To Erica, my stepdaughter, I am so sorry for all you have gone threw and suffered that you never should have had to. Just know no matter what happened between me and your dad, you are and always will be Dessey’s big sister, and family and you always have a place to go and people who love you.
TO my Parents, you are my Hero’s…your love and strength always shined threw. Threw all your own trials and hardships your love was never wavering. Someday I can only hope in my heart of hearts to have what you have. The love you share is not found anywhere else in the entire universe and is the rarest of all gems. When I look at all you have gone threw yourselves over the years and still managed to stay strong in your love for one another and for your family. You are my heart and my strength. I think this time I have found that as well. I have recently found someone else I am very grateful for finding their way into my life.
AS FOR LOVE…Everything happens for a reason…Lessons to be learned and life has a way of testing our resolve our dedication, our strength and our will. After years of fearing happiness and relationship after relationship filled with lies, deceit, emotional and physical abuse, being cheated on, played, hurt in so many different ways I have put my heart out there again and am scared shitless. This is probably one of the most hardest things for me to do. And because of these experiences I seem to have a different view on relationships then most people. I mean people say they want true love, honesty, loyalty and trust, but very few people really seem to know that those words mean or use them because they sound good at the time. I take the seriously and don’t want nothing less in my life and I give nothing less. To try and love and trust again is hard for me. Happiness has always been followed by pain and that is a hard cycle to break. But I am taking a chance on embracing it again. To you, and you know who you are….I am very grateful for you…things do happen for a reason, and may not be in the way one may want but in ways that show us how to grow and evolve. They are not always easy to manage but where there is a will, there is a way and I believe we are well on our way to finding ours. As you have told me many times, if you want something just “make it happenâ€. Time may not be on our side and many “variablesԠmay be in our way but someday, and hopefully soon, it will all come together for us. I believe in you and in your dreams. I only hope you believe in me and in mine just as much. I do love you, saying that I am trusting that those 3 words mean to you what the do to me, which is everything. We started this with the same goals in mind and in heart, lets not forget what we started out with and keep that strong and moving forward where ever that leads us.
As for what I do…well that is loaded. I “had†been in the metal health field working with folks with developmental disabilities and metal illness for the past 9 years. But due to the vindictiveness of others I have not been able to do what I do best, which is helping people. By speaking up for what I felt was right it rattled too may feathers to make a long story short and lost my job because of it but I would not change that because I believed in what I did and it ended up opening new doors to things I never considered or thought possible. I lost my job last September and have been unemployed ever since. But this period of unemployment has given me the opportunities to explore new ventures and revisit old ambitions. That is where this band promotion comes in. I started out trying to help someone very dear to my heart follow their dreams and along the way It helped me realize my own or at least put me on my way to realizing them and making them a reality. My dreams are simple really but sometimes the simplest of things are the hardest to obtain and maintain. It’s funny how that works. Several years ago before I got into the metal health field I ran a nightclub in Northern Maine and tried to open my own place shortly there after but was outbid on the venue. Ever since I moved down there I have looked at several buildings and wanted to open a place. If all goes to plan, shared goals are kept and with a lot of planning, hard work and luck, within the next few years we will be on our way to making that happen.
So that is me in a nuttshell…and that shell…well I have kept myself nicely tucked away for a long time. I don’t want to go back….
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