Díre McCain

WARNING LABEL:
Not to be confused with Bizarro Dire McCain, who is in fact a corpulent, mulleted, slightly creepy looking man, who frequents various online forums and chat rooms relating to audio equipment, electronics, RC aviation, Toyota Supras, and porn, among other things.
A five-dimensional creature who fell through a Lorentzian traversable wormhole into a three-dimensional universe, landing on what was, at the time, the second rock from the Sun. After a nebulous sojourn in the Zone of Avoidance, while trapped in a self-induced state of suspended animation, was unwittingly converted into a transportable energy pattern, and ultimately rematerialized on twentieth-first century Earth. “Suffers from” Aboulomania, Planomania, Eleutheromania, Habromania, Hydrodipsomania, a severe case of Logomania, and innocuous Daddy Issues. Possesses a ridiculous number of utterly useless skills, including the mythical mantic Seventh Sense – which, of course, is merely another of myriad delusional beliefs. Subsists on sincerity, empathy, tolerance, love, and Skippy Natural Super Chunk Peanut Butter.
Despite my unrelenting pleas, THE DEMONS refuse to grant me a divorce, so for the time being, we have reached a reasonable compromise.
After years of passive resistance, I’ve learned to embrace my neuroses.
All celebrity, fashion, and beauty magazines should be incinerated.
Misdirection of ugly emotions should be avoided at all costs.
Moodiness is utterly repellent.
Jealousy, self-pity, self-absorption, self-interest, self-importance, pettiness, and greed are equally repellent.
Brightly lit, high-ceilinged places can induce panic attacks.
Listening to the same song 37 times in a row can be delightfully gratifying.
Ingesting lysergic acid diethylamide habitually during adolescence can permanently derange the mind.
What do you see?
External criticism and discouragement can frustrate and debilitate, but only self-doubt can annihilate.
The clouds have always been far kinder to my head than the ground has ever been to my feet.
Political correctitude is simply another form of censorship, and its impact on society has been negative, if anything.
Weddings are a criminal waste of money, and marriage is nothing more than a flimsy legal contract. Having said that...
A baby is not a doodad that comes with a lifetime money back guarantee.  What’s more, it will inevitably mutate into an adult.
How many people actually take this into consideration before procreating?
By and large, men make better friends than women.
Recipe for a Bipolar Musical Cocktail:
One Part Swans
One Part Harpers Bizarre
(R.I.P. Beagle)
There is no such thing as “a bowl of cereal”, one must scarf down the entire box.
One of the great beauties of life is the ability to experience the entire gamut of human emotions, even those which seem unendurable.
Sign of a true friend:
When you tell him there was a neon red Anatolian Hieroglyphic message on your ceiling last night, his response is: “What did it say?”
The most effective treatment for a severe case of arrogance is a swift, sharp backhand to the sufferer’s face.
Never assume that everyone is a pacifist. Failing to consider the possible consequences of one’s words or actions may result in assault and battery or worse yet, homicide.
If human beings made a concerted, conscious effort to treat each and every person they encountered with an equal amount of civility, consideration, and respect – regardless of gender, age, race, religion, sexual orientation, background, socioeconomic status, etc – planet Earth would be a much more harmonious place.
The mainstream is like a rapacious empire. It invades and usurps then rapes and pillages until nearly every trace of purity, substance, and value has been depleted. Then it tosses back the defiled remains to the rightful owners and moves on to the next conquest.
Anyone who claims that they USED TO BE a Punk, Punker, Punk Rocker, or any variation thereof is a bit suspicious.
It’s akin to saying: “I USED TO BE a progressive individualist who advocated freedom of choice and expression!”
The logical response would be: “So what the hell are you NOW?”
Such a person not only reeks of poseurdom, but clearly missed the plot.
How does a man inform a woman that she has pastry icing on the seat of her pants without her concluding that he’s been checking out her tuchis?
There is nothing more damaging to the spirit than being forced to feign respect for someone you detest, especially when your livelihood depends on it.
Congenital insubordination can be an occupational hazard.
It’s easy to be an armchair adviser, and just as easy to have a change of heart once you’ve been directly or indirectly subjected to whatever it is you’re opining about.
If the solar system carrying our planet moves in an independent astronomical orbit, is it possible that this greater celestial motion can produce a cycle that affects life and consciousness on a grand scale?
Strip Clubs or Brothels?
One must question the intelligence of those who shell out their hard earned money to gawk desirously at the mouthwatering grub rather than feast on it.
Oprah Winfrey is a pathological megalomaniac who is subliminally indoctrinating the women of America.  One day, she will press a giant red button prompting her gullible acolytes to viciously castrate and exterminate MANkind.
I COULDN'T HAVE SAID IT BETTER MYSELF:
“I do not speak the minds of others except to speak my own mind better.”
~ Michel de Montaigne
”Only dumb girls are fake lesbians for men.”
~ John Waters
”Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under.”
~ H. L. Mencken
”Those who think ahead of their time are sure to be misunderstood.”
~ Swami Vivekananda
”It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.”
~ Mark Twain
”I prefer to be true to myself, even at the hazard of incurring the ridicule of others, rather than to be false, and incur my own abhorrence.”
~ Frederick Douglass
”When lip service to some mysterious deity permits bestiality on Wednesday and absolution on Sunday, cash me out.”
~ Francis Albert
”All in all, I find that women behave just as despicably as men do, and I try to illustrate the reasons for this – namely that we have been led astray by our upbringing and by the society we live in.”
~ Rainer Werner Fassbinder
”I have never understood the female capacity to avoid a direct answer to any question.”
~ Spock
“I know a lot of people think I’m dumb. Well, at least I ain’t no educated fool.”
~ Leon Spinks
”What can I do to make it better? What can I do to make it worse?”
~Willie Nelson
”It’s all bullshit anyway.”
~ Earl Lestz
”Surprise me.”
~ Bob Hope, when asked whether he wanted to be buried
   or cremated
”JESUS, MARY, AND JOSEPH!!!! WHY DON’T YOU GET OUT AND CARRY THE GOD DAMN THING!!!!”
~ My Irish Newarkian daddy when the vehicle in front of him
   is moving too slowly
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