144795124 - ProfilesArchive

About Me

I need a sous chef, a maid, and someone to follow me around, writing down all the clever things I say.

I think I could whoop 90% of the population if I had to. And I may have to.

I don't know how to drive a car or ride a bicycle. I am retarded in all modes of transportation, including walking. I'm just not good at being ambulatory in general. I wander into walls and that sort of thing. It's because I'm too busy creating a master plan to worry about the distance between point A and B. And I won't tell you what the master plan is, unless you are the person following me around, recording all the clever things I say. I'll have to tell you, otherwise, I'll probably forget.

I like to tell stories. I'd prefer to tell them in person, but since that is currently impossible, I write them down. My husband collected them all in one place. The Others . Read stuff by other folks that you'll like. Or not. I don't know what you like. MyGen Profile Generator

My Interests

I'd like to meet:

People planning for the apocalypse (zombie or otherwise). Story tellers. Banjo players. Deep sea divers. Other pretend archaeologists. Someone with a metal detector and a shovel. Indian people that desire to prepare me great feasts, and possibly anoint me with precious oils. Internationally known wildlife photographers. Arm wrestling midgets. Always with the midgets. Why do you always bring this up? Shut up! You're making a scene and it's embarrassing me...

My Blog

You're making my brain hurt

I had the following conversation with a woman today. I did not make it up, and I haven't embellished. Lady (pointing to a poster by the door): "Who is that up there on the FBI's most wanted fugitive p...
Posted by on Mon, 29 Jun 2009 10:46:00 GMT

Sweet potato pie and shut my mouth

I have met some charming motherfuckin' yankees, I'll allow. Perfectly lovely people that I'd be glad to drink a cold beer with. But some of you bastards are sorry, and I intend to tell you about...I w...
Posted by on Wed, 10 Jun 2009 18:08:00 GMT

Attention OCD sufferers...I'm a freak

I've always been what I would describe as mildly obsessive-compulsive. I have to check the alarm four times before I go to sleep. Once to make sure that I set it for the correct time. Once to make sur...
Posted by on Wed, 03 Jun 2009 11:28:00 GMT

I'll beat up a scientist. I am NOT scared.

Dear Scientists of the World, I really think you're going about this the wrong way. By this, I mean science. I see that you are making advancements in wireless technology, sand paper product...
Posted by on Mon, 01 Jun 2009 20:03:00 GMT

What the hell kinda?

When did the cent sign disappear? Did we vote on it? What the fuck? I like the cent sign. I want it back. It's a very nice symbol. Way better than that # bullshit automated phone systems love so ...
Posted by on Mon, 01 Jun 2009 19:29:00 GMT

Names have been changed to protect fellow escapees...

...and I haven't written an ending because I forgot I started this story. Not gonna stop me from posting though.... Uncle Mervis was married to my mama's step-sister Janine, one of a large clan t...
Posted by on Wed, 27 May 2009 19:40:00 GMT

Slovenly Whore...Feel-good Poem of the Year

Slovenly Whore I can see that you dyed your hair at home your roots are starting to show. Your nails could use the attention of a professional. Cracked cuticles, chipped polish ...
Posted by on Sat, 23 May 2009 17:30:00 GMT

Dirty rotten rip-off

I wanted to tell you a story, but I'm trying to save those for my book, which is apparently never going to end, because I think everything needs to go in the book. At the current rate, I'll wrap up a ...
Posted by on Sat, 16 May 2009 19:00:00 GMT

Editing books...I fucking hate it.

I'd much prefer to hand it to someone else and let them correct all the nasty spellings and awkward turns of phrase. Editing is like ceaseless masturbation with no foreseeable climax. What the fuck am...
Posted by on Tue, 21 Apr 2009 06:51:00 GMT

Things I learned at gunschool

Yesterday, I attended concealed handgun license school, because I live in Texas, and we're allowed to carry guns. I found the class quite educational, and I'd like to share some of the things I learne...
Posted by on Sun, 29 Mar 2009 08:59:00 GMT