Testing, Testing. One, two, three. Testing, testing. One, two, three. Maybe this is working. I don't know. If you can even hear me, I don't know. But if you can hear me, listen. And if you're listening then what you've found is the story of everything that went wrong. This is what you'd call the flight recorder of Flight 2086. The black box, people call it, even though it's orange, and on the iinside is a loop of wire that's the permanent record of all that's left. What you've found is the story of what happened. And go ahead. You can heat this wire to white-hot, and it will still tell you the exact same story. Testing, testing. One, two three. And if you're listening, you should know right off the bad the passengers are at home, safe. The passengers, they did what you'd call their deplaning in the New Hebrides Islands. Then, after it was just him and me back in the air, the pilot parachuted out over somewhere. Some kind of water. What you'd call an ocean.
I'm going to keep saying it, but it's true. I'm not a murderer. And I'm alone up here. The Flying Dutchman.
And if you're listening to this, you should know that I'm alone in the cockpit of Flight 2086 with a whole crowd of those little child-sized bottles of mostly dead vodka and gin lined up on the place you sit at against the front windows, the instrument panel. In the cabin, the little trays of everybody's Chicken Kiev or Beef Stroganoff entrées are half eaten with the air conditioner cleaning up any leftover food smell. Magazines are still open to where people were reading With all the seats empty, you could pretend everyone's just gone to the bathroom.
Out of the plastic stereo headsets you can hear a little hum of prerecorded music. Up here above the weather, it's just me in a Boeing 747-400 time capsule with two hundred leftover chocolate cake desserts and an upstairs pianobar which I can just walk up to on the spiral staircase and mix myself another little drink.
God forbid I should bore you with all the details, but I'm on autopilot up here until we run out of gas. Flame out, the pilot calls it. One engine at a time, each engine will flame out, he said. He wanted me to know just waht to expect. Then he went on to bore me with a lot of details about jet engines, the venturi effect, increasing lift by increasing camber with the flaps, and how after all four engines flame out the plane will turn into a 450,000 pound glider. Then since the autopilot will have it trimmed out to fly in a straight line, the glider will bein what the pilot calls a controlled descent.
That kind of decent, I tell him, would be nice for a change. You just don't know what I've been through this past half a year. Under his parachute, the pilot still had on his nothing special blah-coloured uniform that looked designed by an engineer. Except for this, he was really helpful. More helpful than I'd be with someone holding a pistol to my head and asking me about how much fuel was left and how far would it get us. He told me how I could get the plane back up to cruising altitude after he'd parachuted out over the ocean. And he told me all about the flight recorder.
The four engines are numbered one through four, left to right. The last part of the controlled descent will be a nosedive into the ground. This he calls the 'terminal phase' of the descent, where you're going thirty-two feet per second straight at the ground. This he calls terminal velocity, the speed where objects of equal mass all travel at the same speed. Then he slows everything down with a lot of details about Newtonian physics and the Tower of Pisa.
He says,"Don't quote me on any of this. It's been a long time since I've been tested."
He says the APU, the Auxiliary Power Unit, will keep generating electricity right up to the moment the plane hits the ground. You'll have air-conditioning and stereo music, he says, for as long as you can feel anything.
The last time I felt anything, I tell him, was a ways back. About half a year ago. Top priority for me is getting him off this plane so I can finall set down my gun. I've clenched this gun so long I've lost all feeling. What you forget when you're planning a hijack by yourself is somewhere along the line, you might need to neglect your hostages just long enough so you can use the bathroom. Before we touched down in Port Vila, I was running all over the cabin with my gun, trying to get the psasengers and crew fed. Did they need a fresh drink? Who needed a pillow? Which did they prefer, I was asking everybody, the chicken or the beef? Was that decaf or regular?
Food service is the only skill where I really excel. The problem was all this meal service and rushing around had to be one-handed, of course, since I had to keep ahold of the gun. When we were on the ground and the passengers and crew were deplaning. I stood at the forward cabin door adnd said, I'm sorry. I apologise for any inconvenience. Please have a safe and enjoyable trip and thank you for flying blahblah airlines. When it was just the pilot and me left on board, we took off again.
The pilot, just before he jumps, he tells me how when each engine fails, an alarm will announce Flame Out in Engine Number One or Three or whichever, over and over. After all the engines are gone, the only way to keep flying will be to keep the nose up. You just pull back on the steering wheel. The yoke, he calls it. To move what he calls the elevators in the tail. You'll lose speed, but keep altitude. It will look like you have a choice, speed or height, but either way you're still going to nose dive into the ground.
That's enough, I tell him, I'm not getting what you'd call a pilot's license. I just need to use the toilet like nobody's business. I just want him out that door.
Then we shlow to 175 knots. Not to bore you with the details, but we drop to under 10000 feet and pull open the forward cabin door. Then the pilot's gone, and even before I shut the cabin door, I stand at the edge of the doorway and take a leak after him.
Nothing in my life has ever felt that good.
If Sir Isaac Newton was right, this wouldn't be a problem for the pilot on his way down. So now I'm flying west on autopilot at mach 0.83 or 455 miles per hour, true airspeed, and at this speed and latitude the sun is stuck in one place all the time. Time is stopped. I'm flying above the clouds, at a cruising altitude of 39,000 feet, over the Pacific Ocean, flying toward disaster, toward Australia, toward the end of my story. Straight line southwest until all four engines flame out.
Testing, testing. One, two, three.
One more time, you're listening to the flight recorder of Flight 2086. And at this altitude, listen, and at this speed, with the plane empty, the pilot says there are six or maybe seven hours of fuel left. So I'll try to make this quick. The flight recorder will record my every word in the cockpit. And my story won't get bashed into a zillion bloody shreds and then burned with a thousand tons of burning jet. And after the plane wrecks, people will hunt down the flight recorder. And my story will survive.
Testing, testing. One, two, three.
It was just before the pilot jumped, with the cabin door pulled inside and the military ships shadowing us, with the invisible radar tracking us, in the open doorway with the engines shrieking and the air howling past, the pilot satood there in his parachute and yelled,
'So why do you want to die so bad?'
And I yelled back, I don't, just be sure to listen to the tape.
"Then remember," he yelled. "You only have a few hours. And remember," he yelled, "you don't know exactly when the fuel will run out. There's always the chance you could die right in the middle of your life story."
And I yelled, so what else is new? Tell me something I don't know.
And the pilot jumped.
I took a leak, then I pushed the cabin door back into place. In the cockpit, I push the throttle forward and pull the yoke back until we fly high enough. All that's left to do is press the button and the autopilot takes charge. That brings us back to right here.
So if you're listening to this, the indestructible black box of Flight 2086, you can go look and see where this plane ended its terminal descent and what's left. You'll know I'm not a pilot after you see the mess and the crater. If you're listening to this, you know that there's a good chance I'm dead.
And I have a few hours to tell my story here. So I figure there's maybe a chance I'll get this story right.
Testing, testing. One, two three.
The sky is blue and righteous in every direction. The sun is total and burning and just right there in front. We're on top of the clouds, and this is a beautiful day forever. So let's us take it from the top, Let me start at the start. Flight 2086, here's what really happened. Take one.
And
Just for the record, how I feel right now is very terrific.
And
Action.
My life has been rated:
See what your rating is!
Created by Bart King
Disorder Rating
Paranoid Personality Disorder : High
Schizoid Personality Disorder : Low
Schizotypal Personality Disorder : Very High
Antisocial Personality Disorder : High
Borderline Personality Disorder : Low
Histrionic Personality Disorder : High
Narcissistic Personality Disorder : High
Avoidant Personality Disorder : High
Dependent Personality Disorder : High
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder : Moderate
-- Take the Personality Disorder Test --
-- Personality Disorder Info --
Advanced Global Personality Test Results
Extraversion |||||||||||||| 56%
Stability |||||||||| 40%
Orderliness |||||||||| 36%
Accommodation |||||||||||||||| 63%
Interdependence |||||||||||||||| 70%
Intellectual |||||||||||||||| 70%
Mystical |||||||||||| 50%
Artistic |||||||||||| 43%
Religious |||||||||| 36%
Hedonism |||||||||||||||| 70%
Materialism |||||||||||| 50%
Narcissism |||||||||||| 50%
Adventurousness |||||||||||||||| 70%
Work ethic |||||||||||| 50%
Self absorbed |||||||||||| 43%
Conflict seeking |||||||||||||||| 63%
Need to dominate |||||||||||||| 56%
Romantic |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Avoidant |||||| 23%
Anti-authority |||||||||||| 50%
Wealth |||||||||||| 50%
Dependency |||||||||||||||| 63%
Change averse |||||||||| 36%
Cautiousness |||||||||||||||| 70%
Individuality |||||||||||||| 56%
Sexuality |||||||||||| 50%
Peter pan complex |||||||||||||| 56%
Physical security |||||||||||||||| 70%
Physical Fitness |||||||||| 37%
Histrionic |||||||||||| 43%
Paranoia |||||||||||||||| 63%
Vanity |||||||||||| 50%
Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||| 70%
Female cliche |||||||||||| 43%
!
Stability results were low which suggests you are very worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.
Orderliness results were medium which suggests you are moderately organized, hard working, and reliable while still remaining flexible, efficient, and fun.
Extraversion results were moderately low which suggests you are reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive.
trait snapshot: introverted, irritable, feels invisible, observer, depressed, does not enjoy leadership, reveals little about self, dislikes large parties, feels undesirable, does not like to stand out, submissive, suspicious, emotionally sensitive, not a thrill seeker, solitude loving, likes silence, fragile, second guesses self, negative, unadventurous, fearful, weird, focuses on people's hidden motives, paranoid, phobic, dependent, cautious, avoidant, semi intellectual
