Mole

I am a miserable, drunk, bastard! Well, I am not currenlty drunk but that is only because I have no booze left in my house and the vanilla abstract I just downed failed to do much of anything other than make my breath smell like a fresh baked cupcake. Well, I could go out and buy some booze, but in addition to being a miserable, drunk, I am really lazy. I think a retarded bannana slug has more ambition than I do. I keep trying to talk my really smart cousin (he's a straigt A student at PENCO Tech) into testing that theory. However, cousin Chuckie insists that they don't do those types of experiments at PECO Tech. I say the hell with cousin Chuckie! Why test some horse shit of a big rigs stopping power when you can test me against a bannana slug? Well, I guess he does not care about winning the Nobel Prize. His loss. After reading this intro, you must be thinking, "I wonder if this guy is single?" As hard as it may seem, yes a perfectly miserable, drunk, lazy, thirty-three year old bastard can still be unattached.As for my likes, I don't like much of anything. Well, I do like going to bars, getting drunk and poking fun at other people. These things make me feel better about myself. Mind you, I don't actually make fun of people to their face. I make snide, soft spoken, mean spirited comments to the bar fly that just happens to be lucky enough to be sitting next to me. This tact has backfired at times because I have been known to say things like, "that chick's hair looks like something the cat just hocked up!" Most people would see humor in a comment like that, however, boyfriends and husbands don't! And you see, that is where trouble lies. Johnny Boyfriend gets very angry and threatens me. I like to think of me as a tough, street wise, martial arts expert. The reality is that I am a complete and total pussy and Glass Joe of Super Punch Out fame takes a better punch than I dp. So, most of the time, if I am threatened by Johnny Boyfriend or Husband, I high tail out of the bar. I don't ever go back either. Lucky for me, I live in Philadelphia and we are blessed we many bars!I am currently thinking of changing my homebase. I love bars and the delicous demon rum they serve, however, I think one of these days I am bound to take a good old fashioned beat down. That is why I am thinking about changing my homebase to some shady, smoke filled coffee house. Not a Starbucks where all those souless yuppie lemming pukes flock to. I want a place that is filled with anarchists, radicals, free thinkers and conspiracy theorists. A place that if the Beats were alive, they would spend their days and nights hashing out new ideas. A place where I can wear my flannel shirt, torn jeans and tattered baseball hat and still get served. The first problem is, I am not sure Philadelphia has such a place. My second problem is that once the regulars of my shagra-la of a coffee house figure out that I am actually not a free thinking visionary but a souless yuppie lemming puke they would send me back to the Starbucks where I actually belong. As you can see, it's a bit of a catch 22.