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well, since im starting over in other areas of my life, i might as well start over here too. i've spent the last 9 yrs of my life shooting spoonfuls of heroin, while my music and relationships have suffered. i lost my lover, almost lost my arm, lost a few of my teeth, my laptop, an amp, a couple guitars, my nintendo wii, my 6 cd changer stereo, and so much more, not to mention 9 yrs of my life. i'm 27 now, and i used to think that i would die at 27 as a rock star of an overdose, but now im starting to think that this will be the year that i get my shit together and give my music the attention it deserves! so much of my identity was wrapped up in a piece of plastic and a balloon. there's ali, sitting on the side of a building nodding out in a glittery dress and kickass boots again. with pigtails tied up w/ tornaquettes. eating out of trash cans at the mall just to see the horrified, offended looks on pples faces again. (pple throw away great food!) gutter glitter trash, squatting down by the train tracks. i used to wonder how id make friends, how i could show the world that they need to quit bitching bcuz ive had it worse than all of them, without dope. i guess maybe im growing up a little cuz u know what? i like having an apartment! i like having positive pple in my life (although i dont have many)! i like the thought of being stronger than something thats killed so many of my loved ones, and almost killed me, twice! i like playing shows and having so many pple tell me that our music is better than most theyve heard in the last 15 yrs! so to all the pple who would rather party w me and contribute to my downfall and try to make me feel like im a piece of shit and lame for trying to better myself, u can fuck the fuck right off! not saying im perfect and i wont ever relapse, but if i do it will be bcuz I want to and not bcuz u think i suck if i dont. i still smoke weed and i will always love downers but im trying to adjust to feeling again. ive been taking 20-30 mg of methadone a day since i got out of the hospital for the arm thing. ive always known the tx system is FUCKED, but after hearing my outpatient tell me i need to get back on heroin so i can go into detox to get off the methadone, i am just appalled, and ive made it my mission to raise awareness about the plight and lack of options out there for the average junkie. LET COUPLES INTO DETOX! also, life is so short and i love my friends- here in portland and online- so ive decided that when i get out of inpatient in a few months, it's ROAD TRIP TIME! :) :) :) so if u love me and u want me to come to yr town, let me know!