Mike Schmidt, Mantrain Conductor

About Me

I made up a fake interest. If you get caught with a cocktail napkin that has lipstick on it, and your wife is about to throw you out, point her to this page and tell her that the only explanation that you can think of is that you must have been one of my newest victims.It's a farfetched scenario and a remote risk, I'll admit, but I do what I can. I was going to help orphans in Darfur or something, but a lot of people do that, and that leaves people whose infidelity is exposed in a similar fashion to a 1940's era film character with no one to whom to turn. So that's my charitable cause, if you really need me to, I can fly to your town and give an uncomfortable apology to your wife or husband about the trouble my shenanigans have caused. I will even promise to change. There's even a second, back-up plan, where I confess that my first story was a sham and that you and I are, in actuality, spies for the United States Government and that your spouse accidentally intercepted a secret coded message. I will then whisk you away to Bangkok, on National Security Concerns, so please do bring a tie and some restraint(s).

My Interests

I'd like to meet:

You. As cheesy as that sounds, I mean it in that exact cheesy way. I bet a lot of people put, "you," and then have some long stupid thing to say about how they are different and they don't mean it cheesy, even though we all know they do. I mean, seriously, you have to be either a total idiot or sleazebag to put that. Let's be serious, you all know that I am both. Thusly, I dispense with the formalities and commence the vapidities. I hereby invoke the power of Castle Greyskull to nominate "vapidities" for real word status.

My Blog

Dogs

Dogs always take up too much room on the bed by positioning themselves inefficiently. If you try to get them to play Tetris so they learn how to fit shapes together, your wife will accuse y...
Posted by on Sat, 11 Oct 2008 16:00:00 GMT

Loud Whistlers

I don't know exactly how much time it takes to teach yourself how to do that ear raping shrill trill, but apparently, it takes all the time everyone else uses to learn everything. Thin...
Posted by on Thu, 09 Oct 2008 02:04:00 GMT

That’s Entertainment

It has come to my attention that there are only two forms of entertainment, sitting around wishing you were that guy, and sitting around being glad you're not that guy. Sometimes those fee...
Posted by on Wed, 08 Oct 2008 07:33:00 GMT

Grandmama

I like hanging out with my grandma, because, while she is typically quite skeptical of this futuristic world she gradually found herself in, she will believe anything bad that anyone says about Democr...
Posted by on Wed, 08 Oct 2008 00:18:00 GMT

"We’ll Do it Live", Bill O’Reilly Video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IAaHime9aaM
Posted by on Mon, 12 May 2008 09:50:00 GMT

Hear me on Comedy Palooza Radio, honkeys!

http://www.talkzone.com/archive.asp?aid=11740 Lovely hosts, considerate yet passionate lovers, vampire hunters? Who is to say what Fred and Sheila are or aren't? Me. And I say t...
Posted by on Thu, 01 May 2008 09:30:00 GMT

April Fools Tricks for YOU!

Here are April Fool’s jokes that you can play with little or no preparation. "Hey Scott," you say, "I heard that they have a unicorn for adoption at the local humane society. Just k...
Posted by on Tue, 01 Apr 2008 07:08:00 GMT

Fun for Today

I am going to finish writing a sketch about mail order brides on the Home Shopping Network today. I hope that I can keep myself from ending the sketch in an orgy of violence, but I am usually pr...
Posted by on Wed, 26 Mar 2008 07:08:00 GMT

The Spring Breakingest

Man, I just realized I forgot to go on wild spring break during my college days. Now I’ll never get to climb a mountain in an ad for herpes medicine. Who knew that sores on your peni...
Posted by on Thu, 20 Mar 2008 08:32:00 GMT

I apologize for the previous post. (Tapa Bar)

True stories are seldom funny. I guess you had to be there. Moving on, I am going to open a tapas restaurant. I’m going to call it, "Dry Humpers." If anyone here has ever been ...
Posted by on Wed, 19 Mar 2008 13:15:00 GMT