Steve Rivas - ProfilesArchive

About Me

I was voted America's Funniest Contest Boycotter 2008! I often wonder why it's not Unihorn? I think that if you're going to buy an electric car, spend the extra money and get a cordless. I grew up in Iowa. I drive a Dodge Stealth with no muffler on it. My life is full of irony. I rented the movie Cinderella man and it had to be back by midnight. I believe every zoo is a petting zoo, if you're fast enough. If not, it's a biting zoo. I was born in a 65 Chevy on the way to the hospital. Annoying, it would be, I think, to have a friend, who structured sentences, like Yoda. I went to a college. I am testing a theory that any pie is a pie chart of how much pie you have left. I have A.D. something something (Abreviation Deficit Disorder). I used to drive a train. I hate to work, but I absolutely refuse to take it off my resume, because I'm honest. I like my browns hashed. I went to a different college. I entered an amateur male stripper contest but was disqualified for wearing 3 socks. I worked in a cubicle. I told two girls I just got out of the Priesthood, and they bought it. I had my own business. I went through Taco Bell drive-thru naked (twice). I think Bonsai Tree Lumberjack would be an easy/fun job. I went broke. I started doing comedy. I get encouraged to do the same stuff I used to get fired/dumped/arrested/sued/grounded/expelled for. And no, I will never grow up and/or change for you. The end.

My Interests

I'd like to meet:

People that: only brush their teeth on the inside, because you don't care what other people think. Don't bring a swimsuit to a pool party, on purpose. Go to Petco and try out the chew toys. Learned to throw your voice so you could ruin a mime's career. Are part of a complete breakfast when paired with juice, toast and milk. Talk into your cell phone like it's a paper cup and a string, intentionally. Wish your dog had a thumb so he could call you. Find a dry spot and laugh at the stupid faces people make when they run to their car in the rain. Know how to sell a used For Sale sign. Get crazy and not label your freezer bags. Catch yourself staring at people cause they're so damn paranoid. Hate answering questions by applause at a comedy show. Walk into a restaurant, put on a clip-on tie and kick people out for no reason.

My Blog

Good Bye Old Friend.

I sold my Van today and I'm a little sad. It's been with me over ten years, 240k miles, lived in four cities, been to Mexico, Canada and all over the US. Out lasted 6 cars, 4 serious relationships a...
Posted by on Fri, 30 Jan 2009 10:26:00 GMT

"Hey, Who Ate My Mummy?" or "The Passion Part 2" starring Brendan Fraser

Ancient Egyptians mummified their dead for 3000 years and they last forever, so there should be millions of mummies right? But only a few remain.&n...
Posted by on Wed, 03 Dec 2008 20:55:00 GMT

Quarky Physic-al Comedy, Its a smash!

I've spent all my money on prepaid hadrons and I just found out that I have to wait until next June to accelerate them because some Swiss mook can't solder. That sucks.&nbs...
Posted by on Tue, 18 Nov 2008 16:04:00 GMT

Word Count to Your MOther (Use of upper case "O" intentional)

I thought NaNoWriMo was National No Writing Month. It sounded pretty easy, one of those everyone-who-competes-is-a-winner sort of deals. Like Special Olympics or Little League or Ar...
Posted by on Fri, 14 Nov 2008 13:15:00 GMT

7 Reasons Why You Shouldnt Work in a Bar.

1.) 80's Cover Bands: When four bald guys with day jobs play the songs that four bald guys with day jobs used to play 20 years ago, it's called a cover band. It's karaoke...
Posted by on Tue, 11 Nov 2008 15:26:00 GMT

Man who catch fly with chopsticks accomplish anything, except buy beer with no ID.

I was bartending and rejected a kid trying to buy a beer because he "forgot" his ID but assured me that he was 25. Really? Has this excuse ev...
Posted by on Mon, 10 Nov 2008 21:25:00 GMT

Seasonal Irony or I Know Why the Stanhope Sings.

I got boo'd at a Halloween show. I made a joke about John McCain's age just to see if the old guys sitting with their backs to me were listening. They were, and they didn't thin...
Posted by on Fri, 31 Oct 2008 03:01:00 GMT

Am I thinking about this too much?

I sometimes misspell the word "subconsciously", But I don't know why. Am I trying to tell myself something?
Posted by on Fri, 17 Oct 2008 20:44:00 GMT

A sad poem.

The Steakhouse EulogyA poem by: Steve Rivas A free, five pound steak, if you eat it all.They'll take your picture and put it up on the wall.But if you decide to quit?Yo...
Posted by on Tue, 30 Sep 2008 16:19:00 GMT

Farm Management (Audits and Accounting)

You should always count your chickens before they hatch. Those lil sons a bitches wont hold still for countin purposes. They got no respect for proper inventory management. Ther...
Posted by on Sun, 28 Sep 2008 16:51:00 GMT