Born into the richest and most powerful family in British Columbia, then-named Nicaulus Dreuvidicus Ivanison spent the first dozen years of his life in the tender care of a large staff of hairy, large-breasted servants who pampered him and catered to his every need and ephemeral desire (being the imaginative yet feisty and spoiled child he was, Nicaulus once proclaimed that for one week no one could use the letter "W," under penalty of having to change his diaper; 13 was such a difficult age for him). Destined to lead the family's massive drug and transexual prostitution empire when he reached the age of manhood, Nicaulus' impulsive, romantic heart proved to be his undoing. Perchancing one day to glance out the balcony window of his palace room onto the filthy and diseased squalor that inhabited the streets, Nicaulus' eye was caught by the most beautiful woman he had ever seen (his taste in the opposite sex was quite keen despite having only known women who possessed robust beards and odd-numbered amounts of nipples up to that point). At that moment, Nicaulus spurned his family and peers by actually leaving the estates and setting foot outside the palace walls in order to meet what would surely become the love of his life. Unfortunately, what Nicaulus had seen was merely his reflection in a large mirror in the shop of a street vendor. Unable to return to the only life he had known, Nicaulus vainly attempted to exert his authority amongst the downtrodden villagers his family had spent generations tormenting economically and sexually. Suffice it to say, that was not a fun day for the pampered prince, and his virginity was forcibly stolen from him a dozen times over in the next half hour.
Eventually he moved to America and changed his name to Nick. At times he still misses the carefree innocence he enjoyed as a pampered child, but also realizes that none of that stuff probably happened, anyway. Go fig.
www.nicholasivins.com
