We all have to make peace with God before we leave this earth. I thank God every morning on my drive to work. It may not be much, but it is MY way, you know. I will meet my maker one day, and we can have that conversation then. I have learned over the years to be a better person, and teach my children the same. So far, I may not have much, but I have wonderful children. They know how far I've come, with no rewards. They are the only rewards that I have been given in life...I think because of them I am a rich woman. So I will start this section with a quote from my favorite cousin, Mark..."I think that if everyone thought that they only had a very short time left on this earth, people would forgive and let family back into their life. The way people live their life would change."
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is LOVE. ~1 Corinthians 13~
About me...I am a 44 year old, light skinned Hispanic female with long brown curly hair and gray eyes. Sounds hot, huh? Well, I'm NOT!!! Yes, I can do wonders with make-up and my hair is "TO DIE FOR". But this Chicana is "Old and Phat" and Phat gurlz need loving, too!!! ANYWAYS, I was born and raised in the small Hispanic community known as Decoto (Union City). I lived on Whipple Road with my parents, my siblings, and my grandmother. By the time I was 3 years old, I knew exactly who I was gonna marry. When I was 16 he was shot in the head leaving a bar on 5th street. Alex was all of 22 years old, I loved him and I will miss him FOREVER. Since then, marriage is an institution that I choose not to participate in. My parents sent me to private schools to keep me out of trouble. I begged my mom to let me go to Logan with the homies. She said "Awe Hell Naw"...a decision, I'm certain, has made me the woman I am today. I graduated from Moreau Catholic High School, Hayward, in '82. My favorite memories are of a teacher named Toni. She got me to do things that no self respecting Latina would be caught dead doing. But I wont lie to you when I say that the "Senior Retreat" with the white folk was the most spiritual experience of my life. I will always love her for taking a special interest in this home girl with "mad attitude". Toni will always be my hero :o)
So my father died on Easter Sunday when I was 22 (1987), and my mother died 3 years later almost to the day, when I was 25 (1990). I have no contact with my real family, no contact with my extended family, except my baby's daddy, my children and my sisters kids. For the most part, they are all I need, but sometimes I crave how life used to be. Since then I have not had any real contact with my homies, or with a hand full of girls that I call my friends. I decided early on not to introduce them to my world. Most of them came from good families, and not from "my side of the tracks". That decision is one that I have many regrets about. I cant even tell you when everything changed...When the town took over, when everything got ugly. I can pin point the major changes sometime after I moved back home in 1986, but remember the horrors drugs brought into the home as early as 1978, the first time the police kicked in our doors.
When my mother died, my life on THE ROAD ended. Since then my life has never ever been just about me, really. I have spent the greater part of my life watching after or taking care of others. My life has not been fair. I used to think I ended up with the wrong family by accident. Never really fitting in. I act like my mother, but resemble my father, which would have been OK if I were a boy. My dads friend "Wheaties" used to call me "little Lupe" because I look like my fathers mother. I cant remember how old I was before I realized my grandmother looked like Mr. MaGoo. My sister was beautiful, my brothers were unbelievably handsome, and I looked like Mr. F*cking MaGoo. My retarded cousins used to call me Buella, how pretty is that?...F*CKEN IDIOTS!!! My brother used to call me "Dally". I don't know if I ever asked him why nor do I think I want to know. I was born on his birthday. He was so pissed off that when I was an infant, he was found holding a pillow over my face, or so the story goes...
I have had so many people that I love die, that I thought God was playing a joke on me, and it wasn't funny anymore. There has been this black cloud following me around for so many years, that, I swear to GOD, if the sun ever comes out, I will move to Seattle where it never stops raining. I spend my nights laying in bed, wondering where everything went wrong, and what I could have done to change it. Laughter is good medicine. So is alcohol!!! I live for the day when my world has peace...
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