SukiCharlie

Buried at PhotoCasket.com
Buried at PhotoCasket.com
Buried at PhotoCasket.com
Buried at PhotoCasket.com
Well, here I am at the hardest category to fill out. It's easy to tell you what I like and don't like, but defining mySelf to you is a lot harder. I'm not sure what to put in or leave out, so I've decided just to say everything right out front and if you think that you don't want to be friends with somebody like me, then we didn't waste each other's time. If you need a friend like me, I'm here. I am 43 years old, 5'7" tall, and I currently weigh 83 pounds. I have a physical disability- when I was 19 years old I was brutally attacked and beaten, and the left side of my jaw was destroyed. It was wired shut for 3 months. 6 weeks later, on my way home from work, I was raped at knifepoint in the parking lot behind my building. 33 stitches later, I was back home, alone, halfway through suicide (I'd already swallowed a handful of pills and I was in the process of opening my left wrist), when I heard a noise at the bathroom door and I saw my cat's paws waving in the space under the door. It made me smile, and right at that second I realized that if I was still smiling it wasn't time to go yet. So...here I am, 24 years later, a little worse for wear and tear, but more or less whole, at least in mind and spirit. My face is very lopsided- I wear my hair long so that no one will notice, but I am nowhere near bag-over-my-head ugly. I still struggle with the aftermath of these things on a daily basis- I deal with Post Traumatic Stress, agorophobia (I REALLY don't like to leave the safety of my house if I don't have to), anorexia (because it hurts too much to eat), insomnia (I sleep an average of 3 hours out of every 40- that helps explain why my TV list is so long!), vertigo (I go through every day feeling as if I'd just stepped off an extremely nasty amusement park ride- but on the bright side, I get all the "benefits" of taking the ride without having to stand in line or buy tickets), endless dental problems, migraines, and, last but not least, everybody's favorite- Chronic Pain. I haven't really spoken out about any of these things very often- I've been so ashamed and embarassed for years that I couldn't stand to let people know the truth about either the "incidents" or the physical, mental and spiritual chaos that followed- it's always been easier just to let the people I cared about slide out of my life because they wouldn't want to be around if they knew the truth, anyway. It's humiliating to admit to people that I'm anorexic, agorophobic, scared, sick, and that I "let" someone beat and rape me. I feel like hiding in a corner when people look at me as if I am lazy when I admit that I can't work anymore- I was a forklift operator, making really good money, until kidney problems permanently sidelined me in July 2005- certain people can't seem to understand that if I wanted to be a "welfare case" and live off the government, I probably wouldn't have worked for 23 years (and actually gotten used to having money in my pocket) first. In the last few years I have come to see that I'm not the one who needs to feel ashamed- the people who preyed on and deeply hurt someone who was a fraction of their size are the people who need to be ashamed. I used to feel as if I was all alone with this, but as I got involved with my local Compassion Club and started talking to people about health issues and the emotional aftermath, I found out that I had more in common with more people than I had ever dreamed. I now believe that being open about things usually kept so hidden and private is necessary because it is the only way to take back control over a horrible situation, and I hope I can help somebody else along the way not to be lost and forgotten, the way I almost was. I use marijuana extensively for pain control, and I have absolutely no patience with people who want to give me a hard time about using- (usually those are the same people who have a beer in their left hand, a cigarette stuck in their face, and their free hand is reaching for the chocolate while they are ragging on me). Ouch! (I fell off my soapbox and bumped my head, but I'll be OK.) Personalitywise, I am generally a quiet, sweet person, but I also am probably the most stubborn person you are ever going to meet- I wouldn't be alive, otherwise. I currently exist on a government disability pension of $667 Canadian/month (not really anyone's business, I know, but things are never going to change if someone doesn't make the things that need to be changed, known- I'm not looking for handouts, just saying some things that need to be said), and I am sharing a 1-bedroom apartment with 2 other people (Yaay! Three cheers for Poverteee!!) I know what your next question is, too- "Hey, Stupid, if you're so into weed, why aren't you a millionaire (or at least a thousandaire)?" The answer to that is I actually do have a bit of a moral code (surprise!), and, for me, using my disability as an excuse to deal drugs is not a justifiable rationalization (however, if it works for you, I offer no criticism- in fact, I'm jealous). I am trying to be a good girl here and do everything right and legally- I am in the final steps of my application to the Canadian government for my Marijuana Exemption Card so that I can legally possess and grow my own. It's not about profit, it's about standing up and being heard. Some of you may be wondering why I have added so many US marijuana groups in my friendspace- I strongly believe that legalization for medical reasons is not a Canadian issue or an American issue- it is a NORTH American issue. I hold dual citizenships- American and Canadian- and I will be wanting to come back home someday. In the meantime, I want to make contacts in the community and do what I can to help. I've come through my share of hard times, and I've lived to tell the tale. In fact, I have a distinct advantage over most people- the most horrible things that are going to happen to me in my life have probably already happened, and if there is more shit hanging in my future waiting to fall on my head, I know for a fact that I can get through it, because I've done it before. When all is said and done, I think I turned out to be a pretty nice person who has a lot to offer as a friend, and I definitely believe that I am worth getting to know.Myspace Graphics
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