Professor Malcom Williams.
World Literature 3256: William C. Carpenter - Beast, Mad Shrubber, or Amish Phonebook?
T.TH. 12:35-1:40
Fall, 2346
University of Des Moines
William C. Carpenter, or "19 Foot Bald Jesus" as he was known to friends and world dignitaries, was born in 1975. Named for San Guillome of Santiago (the patron saint of quality footwear), he had every appearance of being a man in his mid-nineties at birth. He astonished physicians by growing younger with each year that passed. The manner of his death is of some conjecture. It is known that he died in 2057. It is unknown whether he was the victim of a bizarre gardening accident or a nursery fire. A recording of his voice reciting Eliot's "Gerontion" was discovered on the telephone answering machine of a taxi company in Kuala Lampor in 2231, but was erased by a temporary employee who failed to recognize its historical worth.
The details of his black life and dubious death are written in certain books, and the foolish and curious may seek them out if they wish. It pains me to elaborate here: by comparison Lucretcia Borge was an angel in human form, Maybrick was a child whimpering over a skinned knee, and de Sade a weak and simpering fool. The world is well rid of him, if rid of him it truly is. However, I would like to set certain misconceptions about him to rest once and for all, as we begin this course and I present this letter to you in the hopes that it may help us to understand the man whom some have described with many big words such as impudent, mad, philanthropist, not that bad of a kisser, more pretentious than a 13 year old girl writing in her diary about her first trip to Paris, and a connoisseur of only the finest General Mills products; as well as the mystery of his complete ignorance of the King's English.
.. He was not found wandering the sewers of Budapest in the winter of 2012 unable to say anything more than "Powerful big rats gentlemen, powerful big." He was never exhibited in public houses to the curious, only briefly, in March, 2017 to selected gentlemen from the scientific and literary communities. He did not have a vestigial tail. He was not actually the pilot of the Vermont Zeppelin, but did disappear for good following the explosion. There is quite obviously no "...underground community beneath Lima inhabited by huge, intelligent lemurs." And if there were, any suggestion of Professor Carpenter's involvement in the mazy territorial negotiations between Lima's Above and Below can be considered a joke, and in poor taste at that. He was not afraid of street conjurers, Teletubbies, or mirrors.
After finishing the 15th installment of his 10,000 Important Questions Resolved For the Modern Gentleman series (which contained treatises on such vital subjects as "Is dancing, as usually conducted, compatible with a high standard of morality? “Was the purchase of Alaska by this government a wise descision? "Does the study of physical sciences mitigate against religious belief? “Why does one always run out of milk before one runs out of cereal? “Has our government the right to disenfranchise the polygamists of Utah? "What is another word for thesaurus? and "What is the composition of the Philosopher's Stone?"), in 2034, his tongue was removed at the request of his wife and he was absconded by the government to a private sanitarium. He was not admitted access to back issues of The Onion, old episodes of "Scrubs", or writing utensils for reasons that are clear to even the simplest of creatures.
He was the first person to be posthumously elected to the United States Senate. He served three terms before being narrowly defeated by a living candidate in 2072, whereupon he retired from public life.
Until recently his jawbone, pocket watch, and pen-knife were on display in the Smithsonian Institution. According to an old New Boise folk-tale, Carpenter will appear in a bathroom mirror to people in the final stages of delirium tremens and plead with them to mend their ways. In another version of the story, he can be induced (by threatening to spray the mirror with Cheese Whiz) to reveal winning lottery numbers.
The latter may simply be an illogical superstition such as the existence of thunder gods, Betty White, or universal health care; as the populations of the 20th and 21st centuries were mostly a superstitious and fearful lot.
He was never convicted of a capital crime for reasons that remain shrouded in mystery. Although they say he done 'em all in. They say he done it with an axe.
